Archive for December, 2010

A Prayer for Solstice, A Prayer for Advent

December 21st, 2010

Today is the shortest day of the year. Today is the longest night of the year. Just typing the words makes my bones hurt and my heart heavy.

Today I feel like I have a number of people in my life who are experiencing a stripping down, a confussion, a “dark night of the soul”. Light feels missing, guidance feels lacking, and darkness feels eminent. The darkening reality of the physical world seems to fit well with the confusion and darkness of the soul.

We need light to break through.

And so today I celebrate Winter Solstice by remembering that light is coming back into the world. From this day forth light will slowly, but steadily, grow. Each day will bring more of its warmth; each day will bring more of its clarity. Today marks the turning of the tides.

And so today I pray this for my friends and for myself…

Lord, hold the darkness at bay.
Say unto the night, “This far shall thou come and NO farther.”
Speak life, and light unto our hearts.
Father, light the path before us, we don’t need to know the whole way,
but give us light to see the next step.
Spirit, break through the cold, the dark, the heavy, and lighten the load.
We moan for light. We moan for grace. We moan for You, Lord, Jesus.
Come, light of the world. Come.
Amen.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Reasons for Going to Church

December 9th, 2010

So, what really is the point of going to church? Why go to church? I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve come up with some reasons for church that I’ve been told, taught, or truly believe myself. I thought I’d share each of them with you along with my thoughts/analysis of them. I’d really love to hear what you think of these and if you go to church please do share why in the comments – as I process through all this for myself I am truly interested to hear other people’s thoughts and reasons for church attendance.

Ok, so let’s just jump in and talk about each of these one at a time…

Fellowship

This is one of the most common reasons I hear given for church. But, my questions is: How much true fellowship really happens at church? Personally I never felt like much did. At the church where we’ve been going I do have some close friends who I do genuinely “fellowship” with, but it doesn’t usually happen AT church. At church we say a quick hello and that’s about it, when we really “fellowship” is when we meet outside of church and sit down and have a real conversation and I don’t see why that can’t keep happening even if I’m not going to church on Sunday regularly or at all.

Teaching

Many would say we go to church to be taught and to learn more about Jesus, the Bible, and how to walk with God. Ok, I can understand how originally when not everyone had a copy of scripture (not to mention most being illiterate) it would be important to have one person who could tell everyone else what scripture said and what that meant for their lives, but that’s not the case now. If pure knowledge is what I’m after than I can pick up a Bible and read it for myself. I can pick up any number of commentaries and read what a vast majority of other people say about any number of scriptural topics or passages. I can listen to lectures and sermons on line, or read them – in fact I can listen to or read sermons not only from all over the world, but also from a variety of time periods. If knowledge is what I’m after than there are probably a lot of better, more thorough, ways to do that than to listen to a sermon by one man.

If when I say teaching I mean that I am after encouragement, accountability, reminders to faith and godliness, than I still don’t think a sermon is the best way to get that. In this case what I’m really after is discipleship and a 45 minute sermon by someone I rarely talk to isn’t really discipleship. A better means for getting the encouragement, reminders and accountability that we are after would be to place ourselves under the mentorship of someone who is a little farther along the path of faith than we are.

To worship and praise God

Ok, to me, this does seem like a good reason to go to church, but… Personally I don’t feel like I do much worshiping and praising of God most Sundays at church. Some of it’s due to the fact that I have a young child who is very loud and energetic and needs my constant attention. Some of it is due to the fact that how I personally best connect with and worship God doesn’t fit all that well in most churches. My favorite times of praise and worship have almost all happened outside of church settings – times like long prayer walks through the woods by myself, praying and spontaneously singing songs of praise with a small group of close friends, meditating on God’s word as I do yoga, writing liturgies (like this one for example) and praying them together with others. Nature, creativity, and movement/physicality have often been a deep part of my experiences of worship, but these aren’t often things that I experience during a Sunday church service.

On the other hand though, I do believe that there is value in worshiping God even in ways that don’t necessarily speak my heart language. I do believe that there is value in proclaiming and singing along with others about our great God, even if I’m not feeling it at the moment, even if I’m distracted by my son, even if I don’t really like a particular song, or other method of praise. I believe that I don’t’ have to FEEL like I’m worshiping or praising in order to be worshiping and praising God. So, to me this is a legitimate reason to go to church – to praise and worship God. But, that being said I also believe that I can praise and worship God outside of church, for God is not as concerned with the location of my worship as the state of my heart (John 4:21-24).

The Sacraments

Personally, this seems like a very good reason to go to church. There are a number of sacraments, but the two nearly all Christians agreed are sacraments are baptism and Holy Communion, or the Eucharist. Communion in particular seems like a very good reason to attend church regularly. I can understand someone saying, I go to church so that I can partake of the body and blood of Christ along with his people. But, if this is my primary reason for going to church than wouldn’t it make sense that I go to a church where I can participate in the Eucharist every Sunday? Most of the churches that I’ve been in only practice the sacrament of communion about once a month. I like the idea of taking communion every week and this being a primary reason for church attendance resonates with me. Maybe we should be looking at orthodox churches, or other branches of Christianity that place more emphasis on the Eucharist?

Meeting new people and making friends

Ok, this seems like one of the most shallow/unspiritual reasons for going to church, but this one actually makes a lot of sense to me and seems entirely legitimate. Church can be a good place to meet new people, in fact many of our current friends are people that we’ve met in one church or another. I feel like church isn’t always the best place for truly connecting with people, but it can be a very good place for initial introductions. Those initial introductions can then turn into small groups, or more intimate dinners, or other activities together and eventually friendships are formed. I worry sometimes that if we stop going to church we will eventually run out of friends. It sounds funny to say and I know it’s sort of an overly dramatic worry, but it’s there in my head. I mean we live in an expat community where people are constantly leaving, if we aren’t making new friends regularly will we eventually isolate ourselves?

Motivation

Ok, let me explain this one… as I’ve reflected about a lot of the above reasons for church I’ve realized that pretty much all of them can happen outside of church and many of them might actually be better accomplished outside of established religious institutions. BUT, when I’m really honest about it how often am I really going to seek out knowledge and research a scripture passage through commentaries and all the truly great teaching available at my fingertips online? How often am I really going to take time to sing, pray and general proclaim God’s praises? How often am I truly going to seek out a mentor and put myself under their instruction? How often am I truly going to pursue growth in my spiritual life? Sometimes the answer to these questions might genuinely be often, but regularly the answer is not so often and in the second case going to church can be a real help. When we don’t have the motivation to seek spiritual growth on our own, church can provide us with a stepping stone or starting place for that growth.

To serve

To me this seems like a very good reason to go to church. But the ways that most people serve in the church seem entirely shallow and at times un-necessary to me. Most churches provide a lot of ways for people to serve those who are truly needy, but most of the time those ways happen outside of the Sunday service and I can get involved in those things whether or not I go to the Sunday service. Ways to serve during a Sunday service are usually relegated to primarily three options – children’s ministry (glorified babysitting), “hospitality”, and playing or singing on the worship team. So, what’s an introvert who can’t sing or play an instrument to do, well, children’s ministry, of course. Although I don’t mind being in the nursery with my child (and in a way prefer that to leaving him in there without me) I do have some issues with children’s ministry conceptually (I’ll save that for another post) and don’t feel like going to church just so that I can “serve” in the nursery is really a good reason for me personally to go to church.

Culture

Churches have cultures. By going to a particular church you are participating in a particular culture and if you have kids you are raising them to understand and fit into a certain culture. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to be part of “church culture” and doesn’t want to raise my child in it, but then there’s also a big part of me that does want to participate in church culture and raise my child in it. Because it’s familiar and comfortable for me – it’s all I’ve ever known. It’s the culture I’m most accustomed to. So, one reason for going to church would be to participate in a culture I’m familiar with and to instill that culture in my child.

I’m not going to address guilt/obligation and fear (fear of disapproval, fear of hell, etc.) although they are often my own personal reasons for going to church they are clearly not good reasons for going to church. Ultimately the fact that these are the things that sometimes motivate me to go to church just shows my lack of faith in God’s good grace and reveal the dark corners of my own doubts. I don’t want to focus on those things. I want to focus on and claim God’s grace. I want to focus on and claim God’s love which drives out all fear. So, I’m not going to get into those reasons more than this little mention.

So, those are the reasons for church that’s I’ve been able to come up with and my thoughts on each one.

How about you? Do you go to church? If so, why?

Rejoicing in the journey-
Bethany Stedman

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Why Go to Church?

December 8th, 2010

How bad is it if we just stop going to church all together for a season?

I mean in the past year we’ve made it to church about once or twice a month anyway, is that really enough to say that we go to a particular church? I mean I’m quite certain that the majority of the people at our current church don’t really think of us as “part” of the church, and maybe they shouldn’t with as sporadic as our attendance has been. Honestly, I think it took over a year of attendance for ME to start thinking of us as “part” of the church and even then we often wondered if it was really the right place for us.

It wasn’t always like this. The church we were at before this we only ever missed when we were out of town or very sick. I wanted to be there. I felt welcomed and involved there. I felt like it was a place where I could truly bring my gifts and my ideas and my questions and I loved that. Sure there were some Sundays when I dragged my feet getting out the door, but I felt like if I wasn’t there people would miss me and wonder about me and I always knew that in the end I would be glad I’d gone.

Lately it hasn’t been like that. Some of it is because we are at a different church and I’ve never felt like there was really a place for me at this new church or like my voice would be valued there. Not that we didn’t have friends there, in fact we do have a few wonderful friends at our current church, friends who I love and who love us well. But, I never felt much connection with the church leadership as a whole, or the church structure, style, and at times world view. I did however feel like it was the best place for us in this season especially since many of the people who we thought of as family went there.

Some of our irregular attendance was due to nothing more than a change in life situation. Having a child gave me a whole new outlook on church. Honestly, going to church with a child is often more headache than it’s worth. I’d heard people say things about how difficult it was to go to church with children, but I never fully understood this until having a child myself. Getting out the door is always difficult with a child and for some reason seems more difficult when we are going to church. Once we got to church there was the struggle to keep our son contained and quiet until it was time for him to go to the nursery. Then there is the nursery time…Often for me, since I didn’t want to leave my son in the nursery, church ended up feeling like a glorified play date.

By the time all this is done the value of going to church could be redeemed by a quality time connecting with friends, but I’ve always felt sort of awkward by the after church socializing time. Usually I feel unsure who to talk to even when I have good friends there. Plus, by now it’s late and Thad is hungry and tired and generally out of sorts, so we rush home. What is the value in any of that? Most weeks it just feels easier and more rewarding to stay home, have a nice meal together as a family, and maybe read or watch a movie together.

But even with all this I was starting to feel more inspired to go to church. I was starting to feel like maybe it was worth it… for the relationship. I was starting to feel slightly more connected at our new church and was making some new friends there, and then this happened… and now I find myself wondering yet again if there really is any value in going to church? When church leaders put their own comfort above the needs of the church as a whole? When you have a young child and aren’t really able to enter into church fully? When you’re sometimes awkward and shy and have a difficult time connecting with people in church settings? When you don’t fit the typical Christian mold and have questions that you don’t feel would be welcomed there? When you have talents and gifts that don’t fit into the very few, very limited ways that people are asked to “serve” in the church (or the ways women are asked to serve in the church)? Am I being selfish? Does it really matter all that much, how bad would it be if we just stopped going? Is it worth looking for another church when the problems I have going to church will probably be an issue at any church? Am I giving up too soon? Do I need to stay and call the church to something more? Perhaps the value is simply in staying amidst the uncomfortable?

These are questions I’m struggling with right now…

What do you think? Do you go to church, if so what has your experience with church been? If you’re a mom how do you find value in going to church with young children?

More to come tomorrow…

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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December Synchroblog: Experiencing Advent with a Toddler?

December 6th, 2010

NOTE: this post is part of the December Synchroblog I participate in. I’ll post all of the other links as soon as I get them, so please check back later to read some other great thoughts on Advent from my blogging friends all around the world.

EDIT: All the links are added at the bottom of this post now – personally I can’t wait to read what all these wonderful bloggers have to say about Advent. So, grab a cup of tea and join me in checking them all out.

I have to be honest… I’m really struggling with Advent this year.

I want to enter into it and really make my day-to-day life reflect the unique season. I want to have more of a rhythm for our year that includes the rhythm of God’s story. But, I’m not exactly sure how. I have read lots of suggestions. I’ve even tried a lot of them in various past years. But, truth be told, I feel like most of it hasn’t worked well for me. I’m really bad with routines and no matter how hard I try I don’t stick to them… so each Advent I think, oh I’m going to do an advent calendar this year, or I’m going to do an advent wreath or I’m going to do the daily readings from the lectionary for each day of advent, but then I just don’t. Sunday comes and goes without me even realizing it and I forget to light the candles. A week goes by and I realize I’m five days behind on the advent calendar. I start out well with the lectionary, but eventually there’s a day that’s busy full of Christmas prep and party and I forget and then the next day I forget again. This was how it was before I had a kid, I can’t imagine how it would be now, when I can never finish anything and my brain is constantly scattered because of a demanding toddler.

In the past the best way for me to enter into Advent was just to think about, meditation on, pray through and write about the meaning behind the season. I liked the years when I took time to do that. Even though it was informal and I didn’t stick to a schedule or remember to do the advent calendar, I still feel like I entered into Advent during those years.

Lately though, I’m not sure how to do that with a young child. I feel like I don’t have the space or quiet in my life (or mind) to think, meditate or pray more than a quick, jumbled up prayer. Writing has also become a bit of a struggle for me since having a child. I get a little tunnel vision when I write and like to tune everything out and just type, but I can’t do that with a toddler tugging at my leg saying “up, up, maum, up” every few seconds.

Essentially I’m realizing that, as the mother of a toddler the way for me to enter into advent is no longer through the door of the contemplative.

A friend of mine is writing an advent series on her blog with scriptures, prayers, and other resources for reflection and I love what she is doing and definitely recommend you check it out, but as I skimmed her first post I couldn’t help but think, “this is a great tool for experiencing advent for the stage of life that my friend is at, but these tools just don’t fit with the stage in life I find myself in right now.” Case in point, I tried to do the liturgy she posted and was interrupted by my toddler or my husband 4 times before giving up. I later went back and tried to watch one of the videos she recommended while my son was sleeping I got literally 10 seconds into it and he woke up.

On top of realizing that this stage of life is not very condusive to the contemplative I’m also wrestling with wanting to find ways to enter into Advent not as an individual but as a family. I want to experience advent not as something I participate in my own “quiet time” (not sure I have one of those much anymore anyway), but I want to experience advent as a mommy WITH my son. I do not want to separate my spirituality from my mothering, I do not want to practice my spirituality apart from my son, but how do I commune with the divine with a 14 month old? Mother is not something I do it is something I am now. It is not a role that I sometimes play and can sometimes lay aside to pursue spirituality. Mother is what I am. How do I connect with God AS a mother, within my mothering? This is my big question lately, and the smaller aspect of it is how do I connect with Advent, with this small part of God’s big story, within my mothering? How do I engage with Advent with my 14 month old? I have ideas for when my child gets a little bigger, but what about now? Am I supposed to just leave him out of it and try to find moments to myself when I can engage with this season? If that’s the case I’m really not sure I can do that.

How do I experience Advent, or any church season, as the mother of a toddler? How do I experience God as the mother of a toddler? Honestly, I’m not really sure right now. Most of the ways that I have experienced God in the past and connected with his story just don’t work for me now in this stage. So, I find myself really wrestling with this question. Where is God amidst the motherhood? I believe that God is present so how do I find him within my new role as mother.

I don’t have answers, I don’t have it all figured out, I don’t know how to practice Advent as a mother, but I do believe that our spiritual life is a journey and we figure things out one step at a time along the way.

Advent itself is a journey – a journey of waiting. And so today I find myself entering into that journey, simply by presenting my questions before God and before all of you and waiting…waiting for him to speak into my mothering. Waiting for him to speak into my questions.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

What some friends of mine around the blogosphere are saying about Advent:

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The Bride of Christ…Kind of a Bitch

December 6th, 2010

I realize the older I get that the broken places of my life and the broken places of others lives stick out and we are bound to cut each other up. Our brokenness and hurts don’t just affect us, they lead us, they guide us, they cause us to make decisions that then brake and hurt others. We have recently found ourselves once again in a church situation where the sharp shards of all of our broken places are evident and people are getting cut.

Recently some of our closest friends in the world, people we call family, were fired from the mission’s team they have been working on for the past three years. This team was building a church and the team leader, who is the senior pastor, decided that our friends could no longer be a part of the team. The missions organization they are with said that even though they love our friends and would welcome them on any number of other teams, they need to support the team leader in Prague on this decision and in order to stay with the mission our friends need to honor that and leave Prague. It has been devastating for Bryan and me and for so many others who have been blessed by our dear friends.

Honestly though, I can understand the decision. Our friends are passionate, insightful people. They are authentic people who aren’t afraid to speak their minds. They value speaking truth, challenging one another and being challenged themselves. They are creative and artistic, intense, spontaneous, radically generous and intentionally communal. They love people well and people love them for it. They are deeply attractive. I can completely understand how a leader would have a difficult time “reigning them in”. I can completely understand how a leader could even feel threatened by them. I can completely understand how their gifts and the things I love them for could wound and hurt a leader. I can understand how their being gone would make life easier for the leader. But, I cannot at all understand how their being gone could benefit the church as a whole.

Honestly, I am not angry with the pastor. I can understand the decision, but I don’t agree with his decision.

This decision really makes me sad.  It makes me sad that it was a decision made only with the council of outsiders and no one in the church or who would consider the church home was consulted on it. It makes me sad that so many people in the church are upset about it and some (us included) aren’t sure if we can stay there after this. It makes me sad that one person in the church has that much power to wound so many people.  It makes me sad how sudden this has been, and how it came at a time when our friends truly thought that some reconciliation and growth was happening in their relationship with this leader. I am sad for the church and for all that they will miss out on by loosing this wonderful family.

I fully believe that this change is going to be good for my friends in the long run. It will result in them being freed up to openly be the people God made them to be and pursue the purposes he’s placed on their hearts, which will be good not only for them but for the Kingdom of God at large. But, I’m sad for how it all came about.

Honestly, though, the whole thing has mostly just made me feel apathetic about church again. Something like this would have made me angry a few years ago. I used to be incredibly passionate about church and how church “could” be and “should” be. Now I’ve just sort of resigned myself to the fact that this is just how it is. We are just broken people rubbing up against other broken people. Like it or not church is an institution and that means that it makes decisions like an institution – it hires and fires people, it makes choices based on its own survival and numbers, it prioritizes and marginalizes. It’s just how it is. I shrug my shoulders and think to myself about the wider global church (not just this local church)…

Of course the church acts like the world.
Of course the church is fake and it’s easy for the broken hearted to remain broken hearted and unknown.
Of course the church marginalizes women.
Of course the church isn’t a place where prostitutes, gypsies, and homeless feel welcomed and provided for.
Of course the church isn’t a place where the hungry are fed, the naked clothed and the sick made well.
Of course the church segregates age groups and separates the children from the adults.
Of course the church gives the same sermons over and over again just in different ways.
Of course the church makes everything about knowledge instead of about love.
Of course the church doesn’t put into practice the upside down radical kingdom of Jesus.
Of course the church waters down the gospel.
Of course the church treats each other like dirt at times instead of taking care of each other.
Of course the church acts like a business instead of a family.
Of course the church cares more about numbers than disciples.
Of course the church fires someone even when the person is blessing and supporting many of the churches members.
Of course the church judges instead of redeems, separates instead of unities, constricts people instead of breathing freedom.
Of course the church doesn’t act like Jesus… She may be the bride of Christ, but she’s also kind of a bitch sometimes.

I shrug my shoulders and say, “Is it really worth it?” What’s the point? Is it worth finding another church when the problems in the church are epidemic? How bad would it really be if we just stopped going to church for a while? How much of the problems in the church are really my own fault? Do I just make excuses instead of trying to change things? Or am I apathetic because I’ve tried to change things, but failed? Maybe it’s ok for church to be an institution and to function in these broken ways, because like it or not we are still broken? Maybe what I think of as church isn’t church at all and I need to change my paradigm?

Lord, change my heart. Work in me to displace my apathy with hope, to soften what anger I may have into faith, and to replace my sadness with love. Show me what error may be in MY ways, and MY thoughts, and lead me into the way everlasting. Amen.

Stay tuned for more of my current thoughts on church and church attendance later this week…

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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