I realize the older I get that the broken places of my life and the broken places of others lives stick out and we are bound to cut each other up. Our brokenness and hurts don’t just affect us, they lead us, they guide us, they cause us to make decisions that then brake and hurt others. We have recently found ourselves once again in a church situation where the sharp shards of all of our broken places are evident and people are getting cut.
Recently some of our closest friends in the world, people we call family, were fired from the mission’s team they have been working on for the past three years. This team was building a church and the team leader, who is the senior pastor, decided that our friends could no longer be a part of the team. The missions organization they are with said that even though they love our friends and would welcome them on any number of other teams, they need to support the team leader in Prague on this decision and in order to stay with the mission our friends need to honor that and leave Prague. It has been devastating for Bryan and me and for so many others who have been blessed by our dear friends.
Honestly though, I can understand the decision. Our friends are passionate, insightful people. They are authentic people who aren’t afraid to speak their minds. They value speaking truth, challenging one another and being challenged themselves. They are creative and artistic, intense, spontaneous, radically generous and intentionally communal. They love people well and people love them for it. They are deeply attractive. I can completely understand how a leader would have a difficult time “reigning them in”. I can completely understand how a leader could even feel threatened by them. I can completely understand how their gifts and the things I love them for could wound and hurt a leader. I can understand how their being gone would make life easier for the leader. But, I cannot at all understand how their being gone could benefit the church as a whole.
Honestly, I am not angry with the pastor. I can understand the decision, but I don’t agree with his decision.
This decision really makes me sad. It makes me sad that it was a decision made only with the council of outsiders and no one in the church or who would consider the church home was consulted on it. It makes me sad that so many people in the church are upset about it and some (us included) aren’t sure if we can stay there after this. It makes me sad that one person in the church has that much power to wound so many people. It makes me sad how sudden this has been, and how it came at a time when our friends truly thought that some reconciliation and growth was happening in their relationship with this leader. I am sad for the church and for all that they will miss out on by loosing this wonderful family.
I fully believe that this change is going to be good for my friends in the long run. It will result in them being freed up to openly be the people God made them to be and pursue the purposes he’s placed on their hearts, which will be good not only for them but for the Kingdom of God at large. But, I’m sad for how it all came about.
Honestly, though, the whole thing has mostly just made me feel apathetic about church again. Something like this would have made me angry a few years ago. I used to be incredibly passionate about church and how church “could” be and “should” be. Now I’ve just sort of resigned myself to the fact that this is just how it is. We are just broken people rubbing up against other broken people. Like it or not church is an institution and that means that it makes decisions like an institution – it hires and fires people, it makes choices based on its own survival and numbers, it prioritizes and marginalizes. It’s just how it is. I shrug my shoulders and think to myself about the wider global church (not just this local church)…
Of course the church acts like the world.
Of course the church is fake and it’s easy for the broken hearted to remain broken hearted and unknown.
Of course the church marginalizes women.
Of course the church isn’t a place where prostitutes, gypsies, and homeless feel welcomed and provided for.
Of course the church isn’t a place where the hungry are fed, the naked clothed and the sick made well.
Of course the church segregates age groups and separates the children from the adults.
Of course the church gives the same sermons over and over again just in different ways.
Of course the church makes everything about knowledge instead of about love.
Of course the church doesn’t put into practice the upside down radical kingdom of Jesus.
Of course the church waters down the gospel.
Of course the church treats each other like dirt at times instead of taking care of each other.
Of course the church acts like a business instead of a family.
Of course the church cares more about numbers than disciples.
Of course the church fires someone even when the person is blessing and supporting many of the churches members.
Of course the church judges instead of redeems, separates instead of unities, constricts people instead of breathing freedom.
Of course the church doesn’t act like Jesus… She may be the bride of Christ, but she’s also kind of a bitch sometimes.
I shrug my shoulders and say, “Is it really worth it?” What’s the point? Is it worth finding another church when the problems in the church are epidemic? How bad would it really be if we just stopped going to church for a while? How much of the problems in the church are really my own fault? Do I just make excuses instead of trying to change things? Or am I apathetic because I’ve tried to change things, but failed? Maybe it’s ok for church to be an institution and to function in these broken ways, because like it or not we are still broken? Maybe what I think of as church isn’t church at all and I need to change my paradigm?
Lord, change my heart. Work in me to displace my apathy with hope, to soften what anger I may have into faith, and to replace my sadness with love. Show me what error may be in MY ways, and MY thoughts, and lead me into the way everlasting. Amen.
Stay tuned for more of my current thoughts on church and church attendance later this week…
Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman
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Beth Stedman. wife. mommy. daughter. friend. homemaker. sinner. believer. writer. cook. dreamer. artist. yogi. photographer. 
Boo hoo
Joanna, I’m not exactly sure how to take this comment, my friend…
Speak my sister! We need your voice.
O GRACIOUS Father, we humbly beseech thee for thy holy Catholic Church; that thou wouldst be pleased to fill it with all truth, in all peace. Where it is corrupt, purify it; where it is in error, direct it; where in anything it is amiss, reform it. Where it is right, establish it; where it is in want, provide for it; where it is divided, reunite it; for the sake of him who died and rose again, and ever liveth to make intercession for us, Jesus Christ, thy Son, our Lord. Amen.
Amen.
As a long-time pastor (30+ years) I share your pain and frustration. I’ve been deeply w0unded by those in the church. And I have deeply wounded others. But one truth stands tall. “I will build my church and the gates of hell will not prevail against it.” This simple, fifteen word declaration gives me hope when I’m tempted to quit the church. (And I feel this temptation often, usually on Mondays!) Hang in there, Bethany. Christ IS building His church – a church made up of you, me, the team leader there and millions of other broken people. He has NOT left us as orphans.
Boo hoo. I am grieving too. Thank you for articulating the struggle so well.
Hi Beth,
Wow. Your title had me. And lots of honest questions I can so relate to. And a prayer I need to mutter more often than I do.
Thank you,
Vina
Vina recently posted..Dearest Reader…
Hey Beth,
I am very very interested in God’s guidance on this journey. I am controversial and don’t fit into a box very well, but I am not revolutionary. That was a big problem for me as a Korean girl and a Christian woman under the leadership. I have spent about 10 years how to respect and honor the leadership and be who I am at the same time. Well, it is an ongoing process. I ended up leaving the churches or ministries because I did not want to divide or cause troubles. But I can’t just keep leaving. I want to plug into the body of Christ. Your post must be something for the people who have been wounded by churches. Thank you for sharing…
Jihyun recently posted..The final decision on our Thanksgiving meal
Vina, I can’t take credit for the title actually, it came entirely from my husband.
Gary, thank you for your comment. You bring a great perspective as someone who’s been pastoring for quiet a long time – seriously, 30+ years, wow! I’m sure you definitely have seen your fair share of brokenness in that time. But you are right, Christ is building his church and he has not left us as orphans. I need to be reminded of those things over and over again. Thank you!
Beth, thanks for your comment. Anyone who knows me will note the typo (“quiet” instead of “quite”) is ironic. When referring to me, “quiet” and “pastoring ” don’t belong in the same paragraph! I would encourage you to stay in the church there. Christ expresses Himself there, in THAT body, in ways you won’t find anywhere else. And you bring an expression of HIM that folks won’t get anywhere else. With M&J leaving F C, it is vital that others with a passion for authenticity and love remain. With your permission I’d like to keep a copy of “Bride-Bitch” blog for my records. Ilike to keep thought provoking articles like that for future reflection and teaching.
You will no doubt see more sin and brokenness in the church in years to come. Just when you think you’ve seen it all, something will rattle you again.
However, I join the ranks of those who’ve encouraged you to hang in there.
Henri Nouwen has written some insightful things about the church: holy and faultless, while at the same time full of sinful, confused, and anguished people.
One of my favorites Nouwen pieces on the Church is: ” Over the centuries, the Church has done enough to make any critical person want to leave it. Its history of violent crusades, pogroms, power struggles, oppression, excommunications, executions, manipulations of people and ideas, and constantly recurring divisions is there for everyone to see and be appalled by.
Can we believe that this is the same Church that carries in its center the Word of God and the sacraments of God’s healing love? Can we trust that in the midst of all its human brokenness the Church presents the broken body of Christ to the world as food for eternal life? Can we acknowledge that where sin is abundant, grace is superabundant, and that where promises are broken over and over again God’s promise stands unshaken? To believe is to answer yes to these questions.”
Jesus Christ and His Church are the world’s only hope.
Gary, haha, I didn’t even notice my typo – sorry about that
That’s for your encouragement and challenge to stay in the church here – we are still very much wrestling with what our place is here but I appreciate your insight and we will definitely hold it in our hearts as we pray through how God would have us interact with his body.
And of course feel free to keep a copy of my blog. No problem.
Shelley, thank you for your insight and for sharing that quote from Nouwen – he has always been a favorite of mine, but I haven’t read much of his stuff on church – guess I should look for it
It’s a great quote and really captures a lot of the tension I feel looking at the church. The church is truly a paradox, isn’t it? Broken, yet beautiful. Dirty, yet clothed in white. Divided, yet one body in Christ. Often famished, but holding out the bread of life.
sometimes (like now) it’s hard to answer yes to the questions Nouwen proposes…but I want to be able to answer yes…pray for us, friend.
[...] starting to feel slightly more connected at our new church and was making some new friends there, and then this happened… and now I find myself wondering yet again if there really is any value in going to church? When [...]
Obviously through the years I have had a love-hate relationship with the church as you have witnessed with me… but the time I spent living in AZ was by far the worst for my faith and I haven’t been able to step foot into a church since then and I have no trust in so-called church workers now… we are just all broken and some people just shatter us more and more….
what you have experienced in prague is so sad, but sadly happens so often… the church can be such an UNGODLY place. People act so above eachother, as if they are better then everyone, as if they won’t hurt anyone by the decisions they make, as if the lives they ruin by hurting people wont matter…. its sad
better to be religious by yourself I think and stay away from church I suppose…
Kudos to you, Beth!!!
Oh, Sandra, your comment made me so sad. I’m so sorry that your time in AZ was so filled with hurt from churches. It breaks my heart, partly because I can relate and partly because something in me knows it’s not suppose to be like this.
I agree with you that the church can be an ungodly place filled with self-absorbed and proud people. But, I also know from experience that at times the church can be a really beautiful place filled with the spirit of God. In fact I’m not sure it’s so black and white or easy to label churches godly/good or ungodly/bad. I think all churches have a mix. We are both broken people who hurt each other and redeemed people who carry the spirit of God within us – and we are all both every second of the day. It makes for a very mixed bag when it comes to church and relationships, doesn’t it?
Honestly, though even as I question church attendance I can’t come to the same conclusion that you do at the end of your comment “better to be religious by yourself”. I have been hurt by church, but in my life it has only been in community, in relationship with other believers, that I find healing. That community might not be made up of people from my church or even from my geographical location, but with them I find comfort and understanding – I find someone to lead me to God when I can’t quiet make it on my own.
I don’t think that church was really meant to look the way it does now, but I also know deep in my heart and soul that we were not meant to journey alone.