Archive for October, 2011

Liturgy of Blessing for Sage Eleanor

October 29th, 2011

When my son was born my husband and I wrote a liturgy capturing things we hoped and prayed for him. It was our way of blessing him and claiming certain qualities that we wanted for his life. We have prayed it with him on each of his birthdays, each time making minor adjustments to it to capture our prayers for that current year. It has been a really beautiful and powerful experience. As soon as I found out I was pregnant with Sage I knew I wanted to do the same for her. So, we started talking, praying, dreaming and, of course, writing. And we again ended up with a liturgy of blessing that captures so much of our heart for this child.

Last weekend we prayed through this liturgy with a small group of people and today I wanted to share it with all of you.

Blessing for Sage Eleanor Stedman

Celebrant:
“The blessing of Christ comes to you in this child.
His blessing is mercy and kindness and joy.
Blessing comes to home and to family.”

Celebrants together:
Joy come to you through this child.

Mother and father together:
Joy come to all through this gift.

Mother:
Begotten through love she is birthed into loving arms.
Shaped in darkness she comes forth in light.
Formed in secret she is fully known.

Celebrant:
May She smile with the light of the sun.

Celebrant:
May She dance to the song of the stars.

Celebrant:
May She move with the grace of the moon.

Father:
She is light, joy, and wisdom.

Celebrant:
Light shines on the righteous
and joy on the upright in heart. Psalm 97:11

Grandmother:
God’s light shine on you, child.

Father and Mother:
We bless you, sweet daughter.

Father:
I bless you, my daughter, may you laugh joyfully with the sun.
As the warmth of the sun Brings health, growth, energy, and delight to all those who bath in it’s rays,
may you bring healing to the hurting,
inspire growth in the floundering,
lend energy to the weak,
and bring delight to all those who meet you.

Mother:
May your judgement be unclouded, your intuition vivid, your contemplations enlightened.

Celebrant:
Joy of salvation be upon you.

Celebrant:
With joy you will draw water
from the wells of salvation. Isaiah 12:3

Father and mother:
We bless you, loved child.

Mother:
I bless you, my daughter, May you dance lightly with the stars.
As a stars light only reaches it’s full potential when combined with the light of others,
may you always surround yourself with others who shine of light and love and equality.

Father:
May you be open and inviting towards all you meet, welcoming all into your heart with a gentle and contagious joy.

Celebrant:
The light of Gods presence be upon you.

Celebrant:
Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you,
who walk in the light of your presence, LORD.
They rejoice in your name all day long;
they celebrate your righteousness. Psalm 89:15-16

Father and mother:
We bless you, precious gift.

Father:
I bless you, my daughter, may you sing wisely with the moon.
As the light of the full moon is luminous, reflective, and far seeing,
may you be luminous with a subtle yet radiant beauty,
insightful and keen to pick up on things that are missed by others,
and far seeing in your ability to comprehend and understand that which is beyond comprehension.

Mother:
May you be wise beyond your years and joyful beyond your circumstances.

Celebrant:
Wisdom of heaven be upon you.

Celebrant:
The law of the LORD is perfect,
refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes. Psalm 19:7-8

Father and mother:
We ask that Gods blessing be upon this child and His loving arms always around her.

Grandfather:
How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
They feast on the abundance of your house;
you give them drink from your river of delights.
For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light.
Continue your love to those who know you,
your righteousness to the upright in heart.
May the foot of the proud not come against [this little one],
nor the hand of the wicked drive [her] away. Psalm 36:7-11

Father and Mother together:
We lift up this child to you, Lord.
We recognize that she is your gift to us and that we are only stewards of her.

Grandparents:
“The blessing of Christ comes to you in this child.
His blessing is mercy and kindness and joy.
Blessing comes to home and to family.”

Father and mother:
We lift up this child to you, Lord.
And give her the name Sage Eleanor Stedman
And pray that she would live up to the meanings and significances of her name.

Father:
Sage means wise, prophet, and aromatic herb. We ask that God fill this child with wisdom. That she would be prophetic, and insightful. We also ask that she would be a sweet fragrance going up to the throne of grace. That she would be an aromatic blessing of joy and comfort for all who come in contact with her.

Mother:
Eleanor means light, or one who is bright, or God is my light. We ask That Gods light would fill and radiate out of this beautiful little girl. May she be a shining beacon of light amidst a world that can at times seem dark and disheartening. Eleanor also has another meaning. In Greek it can mean pity. You are not a pity, my daughter, and it is not a pity that you have entered our family. But, we do claim this as part of your name in a very specific manor. We pray that you would take pity, compassion, on all those who live in the darkness of hurt, anger, and discouragement, and that you would bring light and joy into their pain.

Celebrants together:
Welcome, Sage Eleanor Stedman,
child of love.
We welcome you with open arms and hearts of love.

(Open prayers for baby – whoever wants to can pray as they feel led)

Father:
Gods favor be upon you, daughter.

Celebrants together:
Gods favor be upon us all.
Amen.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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A Reset Button

October 22nd, 2011

When I was younger so much younger than today, I never needed anybody’s help in anyway. But, now these days are gone I’m not so self assured…

Its nap time. Thad’s asleep and Sage is is also drifting in and out of consciousness. As I sit here with images from the morning dancing around in my head I’m wishing I had a reset button. I wish i could change this morning, I wish I could change almost all of the ways I’ve interacted with my son in the past twenty four hours. But, I can’t.

…But, every now and then I feel so insecure, I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before…

As I sit here I kept thinking about these two prayers I wrote when Thad was little. I just read them again and this sentence jumped out and almost screamed at me, “I need you to show me what is really required of me so that I don’t heap unneeded guilt upon my own shoulders or the shoulders of those around me.” I realized as I read these prayers how desperately I need God to infiltrate my parenting, especially in this area of guilt and the expectations I place upon myself.

Help me if you can I’m feeling down, and I do appreciate you being round.

This morning there was a moment when I hid in the bed room and cried for a minute, when I thought to myself, “I need someone to talk me off a cliff…” I almost called a friend, but it was six thirty in the morning and even though my day had started two hours earlier I knew not everyone else’s had, and besides the courage it would take to make that phone call and admit I needed help – not I had needED help, but I need help, right then and there, before sunrise kind of help…well… that’s not the kind of thing you’re really suppose to ask someone for. So, I sent up a desperate prayer, “Lord, help me.”

Help me get my feet back off the ground, won’t you please, please help me.

And slowly, quietly help came, not in the way I’d wanted but in a gentle shifting, it came.

Something sunk in for me in a new way today – the power of the present moment. I was sitting here regretting my actions of the morning, a little upset with myself that I hadn’t worked up the courage to call for help, and I realized afresh that what I was dwelling on was futile and emotionally detrimental to my health. I can’t push a reset button. I can’t change the parent I was in the past…but, I don’t have to let that influence, and even dictate, the rest of the day or the parent I’ll be in the future. I can choose to dwell on my feelings of guilt, to hold up an image of myself as “the worse mom ever”, or I can choose to reset my attitude and focus. I can’t start over, but I can start anew from this moment.

Most days I’m not who I want to be or where I want to be, but I’m realizing (slowly) that I don’t need to be. I am me, here and now, the best me I have ever been, and I am becoming.

…But, now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Keeping The Toddler Busy: A New Plan

October 17th, 2011

Yesterday we move out of my parents house and into an apartment where we’ll stay till the end of November. We’ve been dreading being in an apartment with a toddler and baby and no yard or space. Bryan and I are used to living in small spaces and we tend to live a pretty minimalistic lifestyle, but we’ve learned lately that there are some things that make life with an active toddler more manageable. One of those things is space. So, since we won’t have space in the coming weeks I’ve realized I’m going to need some other coping mechanisms to keep my sanity – since I won’t be able to just let him run around in the backyard.

I’ve also realized lately that both my son and I do WAY better when we have some clear structure and routine in our lives. We both like knowing what to expect. I think also with all the change we’ve had lately – a new sibling and living somewhere new every couple of months for the past year and now moving again two more times before the end of the year – more structure would help both Thaddeus and I to feel a bit more secure.

In addition to that I’ve noticed Thaddeus is really wanting and needing some more mental stimulation. He’s started to really take notice of letters. He can sing the ABC’s without missing any letters and whenever he sees the alphabet written somewhere he gets excited and says “ABC!” He loves to count and can count to ten now as well, but I’m not sure if he totally has a concept of what the numbers mean. He doesn’t recognize written numbers, but seems interested in them. I think he would really enjoy and benefit from some more active, focused learning.

So, in light of all those thoughts I’ve decided to put together a more structured schedule for us over the next few weeks and see how it goes. It’s nothing by the clock, more of a rough focus for each day with one daily structured activity and two daily outings of some sort. Here’s what I’ve come up with for this week (of course this is subject to change).

Number of the week: 1
Letter of the week: a
Word of the week: apple

Ideas for incorporating these into our lives: give him one whole apple for snack instead of apple slices and talk about how it is one apple and apple starts with a. When we play play dough make the letter and number of the week. Whenever there is 1 of anything point it out. When out and about point out words that start with ‘a’ and the number 1 when we see them. Make applesauce. Incorporate sign language by signing the word of the week whenever we talk about it.

Monday October 17:

Weekly Coloring Activity: color a cut out of the number and letter of the week & write out the word of the week to put on the fridge
Morning Outing: walk around the neighborhood
Planned Activity: colander sculptures
materials needed: colander and pipe cleaners
Afternoon Outing: library – get books about apples
Prep: freeze discovery ice block

Tuesday October 18:

Morning Outing: breakfast (w/ my sister and toddler?)
Planned Activity: edible finger paints
material: corn starch, sugar, water, food coloring, paper (or powdered milk, water, food coloring)
Afternoon Outing: park (w/ cousins?)

Wednesday October 19:

Morning Outing: (see planned activity)
Planned Activity: nature walk
materials: egg cartoon to collect things in
Afternoon Outing: go to the midwife’s and chiropractor

Thursday October 20:

Morning Outing: walk around neighborhood
Planned Activity: discovery ice block
materials: large block of ice with toys frozen in it, hammer, sponge, other utensils to hit, rub, and manipulate the ice
Afternoon Outing: play date with Melissa

Friday October 21:

Morning Outing: walk to bagel place for breakfast
Planned Activity: apple prints
materials: apples, left over edible finger paint, paper
Afternoon Outing: park (play date?)

Saturday and Sunday October 22 and 23: fun with family and sage’s blessing ceremony. Go to church with sage for the first time?

So, that’s the plan for the next week.

What do you think? Any suggestions for me? Have any of you ever done anything like this?

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Moving To Seattle

October 16th, 2011

It’s time. It’s official. I’ve hesitated to write about it because once I write about it then it’s really official. And honestly, I’ve sort of wanted to keep our options open, or at least not commit to anything. But, we’ve bought plan tickets, we are looking at houses to rent, I think I’m locked in now ;) so, here’s our plan for the future – or at least for the coming year (I really do have a hard time using definite statements about the future – guess I’ve seen so many people’s plans change and had my own change so much in the past few years that I just can’t commit to the future, cause really who knows what will happen)… But, here’s what we are planning…

We will be in Arizona through thanksgiving and will then fly up to Seattle November 30th at which point we will hopefully quickly move into our own place and plan on living in the Seattle area for a while.

When we first came back to the states I wrote about why I felt ready to move back and some questions I wanted to work through as we tried to decide where to live. I feel so disconnected from those posts now. I think i still feel some of the reasons why i wanted to come back to the states, but in the past few months I’ve also felt some reverse culture shock, some changing of hopes and expectations, and some “homesickness” for Prague. I still feel like this is where we are suppose to be and that it was still a good decision to leave Prague, but I don’t feel some of the raw hurt I felt towards Prague anymore, or some of the intense hope I felt about being back in the states.

I also feel like when it came down to it we didn’t really work through the questions I posted before. When it came down to it we didn’t have the luxury of making the decision with that kind of conscious self evaluation.

One thing Bryan and I really value is intentionality. We want to live intentionally, we don’t want to just go through the motions, or do things because that’s the way everyone else is doing them or because it’s what we always thought we’d do. We want to make decisions with open eyes, questioning ourselves. We don’t want to decide on something just because it’s the fall back option, or just because it’s easy, or just because we don’t have a better option. That being said, I’ve learned something as we’ve tried to decide where we will be living – there’s a place for choosing something because it’s easy, instead of ideal.

I feel like moving up to Seattle was the only really logical choice right now. It doesn’t feel ideal to me, but it feels like the obvious choice. Honestly, I’ve had a bit of a hard time with the decision, and have had to grieve over it.

Seattle never fully felt like home to me before and it still doesn’t.

But, today I’m feeling hopeful. Hopeful that Bryan and I can really reconnect with old friends up there and build a new community for ourselves as well. Hopeful that our children can develop closer relationships with their grandparents and aunt and uncle (and other extended family) up there. Hopeful that we can rediscover church up there. Hopeful that being there will benefit Bryan’s career and expand his skills. And over all hopeful that it will be a good place for us to be during this very unique stage of life that is dominated by young children.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, I have NO idea what the future will hold for us. I have no idea if we will be in Seattle for one year or fifty. Honestly, I’m trying not to think about it. What I do know is that it is the clear next step for us and I really want to make the best out of it that I can.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Sage’s Birth Story: Part Two

October 2nd, 2011

Now we come to the part of my labor which was not so light, where instead of feeling grounded and present I felt like I was falling apart at the seams. The contractions were very intense now, and close together. I felt like I was breaking, and couldn’t hold it together. I just wanted to cry. I needed far more support from Bryan and Shell than I had needed with my first labor. I tried to push with contractions, but still didn’t feel like anything was happening. At this point the physical pain seemed unbearable, but looking back (and I think I recognized this a little bit in the moment as well), even with as intense as the physical pain was the real struggle was with my psyche…it was emotional.

I felt weak, scared and tired. I didn’t feel like “one tough mamma.” Shell kept saying, “you’re so strong.” But, I didn’t believe her, I couldn’t believe her. I didn’t feel strong. I felt weak, in fact I felt all of the weaknesses and inadequacies that I’d wrestled with ever since becoming a mother two years ago come rushing over me. I felt like I couldn’t do it… and so I couldn’t. I didn’t really want to push her out. I was scared of feeling “that pain” again. I was scared of bleeding too much (as I had with Thaddeus). I was scared that she would be just as difficult as Thad was and scared that I wouldn’t be able to handle having two kids. I was scared that the pain was going to continue forever and just wanted it to be over, but I didn’t want to go through the only door that would make the pain stop.

Finally, I muttered out something about feeling discouraged. Shell decided to do an internal to see what was going on. I remember her putting her fingers against my coccyx on the inside and telling me that was where the baby needed to go, that I needed to push the baby into that space. I knew she was right and I tried to do what she was asking, but it was a half hearted attempt. As soon as she had touched that area I was flooded with the muscle memory of Thad’s birth, I remembered that spot and the pain it took to push Thad past it (Thad had gotten stuck at my coccyx since it hadn’t moved out of the way like it should have, Shell had to pull it out of the way and we are pretty sure I either broke or bruised it during that labor). The memory of that felt so tangible and I couldn’t bring myself to push past it.

It was at this point that Shell suggested we do something she called “the rotisserie” and took a moment to describe it to us. Basically the laboring women lays on her back for a contraction or two pushing her lower back into the floor then turns to lay on her side with her top leg bent and bottom leg relatively stretched out for a contraction or two and then on hands and knees for a contraction or two and then on the other side for a contraction or two and then back to her back for a contraction or two.

We did two rotations this way. I have never known pain like that. It was beyond intense, it was unbearable. I remember kind of hating Shell in that moment for making me do this. Normally I deal with contractions with a fair amount of movement so having to be in one position the whole contraction was excruciating and the fact that most of those positions were not comfortable positions for me made it extra hard.

During my last rotation Shell turned the water on in the bath and started filling it up, I can’t really explain the feeling I felt when I heard that tub turn on. On the one hand I was sort of ecstatic thinking that the end of the rotisserie must be soon and imagining how nice the water would feel. I spent almost all of my labor with Thad in the tub and felt such relief from that. Earlier in labor the tub had come up – I think my sister asked if I was going to use it – and I hesitated and didn’t really know how to answer. Shell said something about how it seemed I wanted to see which came first if I reached my breaking point or if the baby came. I remember thinking she was exactly right.

As I did that rotisserie and heard the tub filling up I knew I had reached my breaking point and it was time for the tub – really I felt like I had reached my breaking point long before this and was just so far past the breaking point as to be completely desperate by this time. I was also angry as the tub filled up though, because I just wanted to get in it right then, and Shell asked me to do another set on my back and on my side – I remember feeling really angry in that moment. I didn’t want to do any more. I wanted to get in the tub. I didn’t think I was capable of doing any more – I was already broken into pieces, there wasn’t any strength left. But, then I did it. When I thought that I was completely unable to, when I thought I had no strength left, when I thought I was already broken as far as I could be…I did it. I broke more. And even without strength I pressed through…screamed through, but made it.

When I finally got in the tub it was such a relief, but things were still moving pretty fast and intense. I remember the water felt like it was really cold to me, even though Shell and Bryan kept telling me that it was plenty warm. I shivered and turned on the hot anyway.

By this point I really wanted it over. I pushed a bit in the tub, but quickly felt like I had to pooh. I got out and went to the toilet. I poohed a little and worked through a contraction on the toilet and then it hit… My bottom split open – or at least that’s what it felt like. I jumped off the toilet and cried out “she’s coming!” Bryan had just then gone to get me more water, so Shell hollered for him to come back and he was there a second later. It was then that I really started to push.

I reached up to feel the head as I had with Thaddeus. It felt so different, so smooth, I was a little freaked out at first. It wasn’t until later that I realized what I was feeling wasn’t exactly the head – it was the head still wrapped in the membranes since my waters hadn’t broken yet.

I squatted in a sort of half kneeling half squatting position and pushed, Shell and Bryan pushed in on my hips from either side. I pushed more. There was a popping feeling and sound as my waters broke. It was 3:22am. I pushed more and reached down (Shell said I actually pushed her hands out of the way, but I don’t totally remember that) what I do remember is Bryan and I together catching our beautiful little girl. She was born at 3:25am on labor day, September 5th. She had her hand up by her ear and her chin tilted up instead of tucked down, which explained some of why the pain had been so intense.

I laid her down on the floor in front of me and waited a minute or two till I was feeling like I was back in my body and ready to pick her up. I held her for a moment, but felt pretty shaky and laid her back down in front of me as Shell gave me a shot of pitocin (we had decided to do pitocin right away after the birth since we had some concerns about hemorrhaging). Shell also gave me a drink of Chinese herbs after the shot.

After the cord had stopped pulsating we cut the cord. I remember asking Shell about waiting till I delivered the placenta and having her tell me with a little bit of urgency in her voice that she wanted to get it cut and me laying down. She showed me the cord then and it had clearly stopped pulsating so Bryan went ahead and cut it. Shell then had me lay down with the baby on my chest/belly. Bryan and Shell both kept telling me to look at them and keep my eyes open, which I remember being really annoyed with because I thought I felt fine… just tired. I remember thinking, “It’s all over now so why can’t I just rest for a second?” I also remember feeling a lot of pressure from the placenta and feeling so relieved when it was delivered. Shell said something about it coming out a different way from normal, something about how placentas coming out that way are more commonly low laying in the uterus.

Bryan was asking me what song was playing on the playlist, it was A Thankful Heart, which was the first song that had played from the playlist back at the beginning of my labor. He kept telling me to keep my eyes open and I still felt annoyed. By this point I couldn’t stop shaking, which is not uncommon for women after birth. Shell gave me some oxygen and kept asking “are you with us? Bethany! Look at me.” I guess I must have looked much worse than I felt.

Shell checked me out and told us my bleeding was really light (a big relief), she also told us I didn’t need any stitches (of course that was also a relief). I think she checked my heart rate and blood pressure as well and all was normal. She told us that physically I was perfectly fine. Nothing was wrong with me. But, she and Bryan still seemed worried about me and wouldn’t let me close my eyes. For the next little bit they seemed to focus on keeping me from passing out. Bryan brought me a couple of spoonfuls of raw honey and that seemed to really help. Once I started to feel a bit better I really wanted to sit up since my back hurt and I still felt pressure while laying on it.

I sat up, leaning against the bathroom cabinets and held Sage. It was the first time I really truly looked at her. Bryan sat next to me and we both just stared at her. It was a really sweet moment for all of us and I was glad that we were able to enjoy that time for a little while. I nursed Sage a little, but she wasn’t all that interested. I remember Shell telling us that the song that had been playing when Sage was born was “Hey Jude” – I hadn’t even noticed.

After a bit, Shell took Sage to look her over and weight her. It was about then that Brie came in carrying Thaddeus. Thad cuddled up to me and together, with Bryan next to us, we all watched as Shell checked Sage out.

She weighed 5 pounds 15 ounces and was 18.5 inches long. Shell guessed by her reflexes and size that she was actually about 38.5 weeks gestation (we had already been speculating that my original estimated due date was wrong and this confirmed it). She was a tiny little one, but healthy and strong with the most beautiful rudy coloring.

After Shell was done I got cleaned up and crawled into bed with Sage. Shell took a short nap before checking us out again and heading home to get some rest. Bryan got Thad breakfast and played with him. And thus began our very long first day as a family of four.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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