Accepting Myself and My Social Awkwardness
There are some people in the world who are social butterflies. They fly gracefully and beautifully from group to group and topic to topic. They engage with people and ask questions. They make people feel connected and enable them to open up. People walk away from them feeling more themselves.
Then there’s me…the total opposite of a social butterfly. In fact, I would call myself a social slug – slow, dense and leaving a messy trail behind.
Seriously, social situations are really not my strength. This isn’t, of course, a new revelation about myself. I’ve known that socializing and meeting people isn’t a strength of mine for a long time, but last night I was reminded once again about the truth of this.
I lay in bed last night thinking back over the evening…I wish that I wasn’t so socially awkward. I wish that I could leave a social event and not regret the things that I said or didn’t say, did or didn’t do. I wish that I could be quicker on my feet socially and be able to come up with good questions to draw people out and make them feel connected. I wish that I didn’t just say whatever pops in my head some times. I wish I could feel comfortable around other people, comfortable in my own skin….but, I don’t….I’m not.
I’ve been trying lately to learn to accept myself at least a little more. Trying to recognize that some things aren’t my strengths and that’s ok. Trying to recognize that there are other things that I can do at least fairly well. I have always had a problem with beating myself up over things, being really hard on myself, carrying around guilt about things that I coulda, shoulda, woulda done. Lately, though, I have really been trying to accept that I am God’s loved child…that He accepts me... and I can rest in that…that He delights in me... and I can breath in that. But, last night I failed miserably – not just socially but in my response to my own failure and awkwardness.
Lord, teach me to grieve for the things that I do that hurt you and hurt others, but teach me to relax about my silly little social failures. Teach me to allow myself to accept your love, your acceptance, your grace.
Rejoicing in the journey - Bethany Stedman