Why the Silence

Ok, so clearly I haven’t been very good about blogging lately. There is a small part of me that feels sad by that and wants to change it, but honestly the vast majority of what I feel towards my blog right now is complete indifference. In many ways I don’t really mind that I haven’t written in almost a month. But, this morning I decided I owed it to myself and those few people who continue to check this blog (even with its irregular writing), to process through why I am feeling so indifferent towards it. When I really think about it there are quite a few things in my life that I normally love, but have lately been feeling very indifferent towards. The two most surprising and difficult being writing on the blog and spending time with friends. I think in general I have felt this growing feeling of withdrawal - an extreme drawing inward, that started almost right away when I got pregnant and has ebbed and flowed, but slowly increased until now. At 36 weeks pregnant with just a few weeks to go I feel like I should be wanting to spend time with friends while I can since soon I won’t be as free to do that, but honestly I’d rather just stay home with my husband and relax or read childbirth books. I feel like I should want to write often on the blog and enjoy the freedom of schedule that I currently have to do whatever I enjoy (which has so often in the past been writing). But, that’s not what I want; instead I have basically no desire to write here or anywhere else. This is all so strange for me, and this sort of recluse hermit-like feeling was not something I expected to feel during pregnancy. I guess it’s just one more thing on the long (and growing) list of pregnancy surprises.

But, I realized this morning that there is something else besides that feeling that is keeping me from writing and that is the previous style and topic range of this blog. Granted, it is my personal blog and I have written about a decently wide range of topics before, but generally I have stuck mostly to writing about my thoughts on church, spirituality, and God (with some occasional thoughts on yoga, art, relationships and living in Prague). Well, honestly those aren’t the types of thoughts I’m having lately. Those aren’t the topics filling my brain. Instead my thoughts are CONSUMED with pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood (mostly childbirth right now). And honestly, I’m not sure how to write about my childbirth thoughts here on this blog, it feels like they wouldn’t fit – plus I think I might scare some of you off with some of my “bohemian/hippie” ideas. And so the blog silence continues.

I write all this I guess to just help me process through it myself and also to let you all know that I am still alive, but it might continue to be a while before I really come back to blog land. And I guess to warn you that there’s a chance that when I do come back I may write about slightly different topics then those that have previously filled these blog pages – there might be a little less theology and a little more practical parenting thoughts. I don’t know yet, I guess we’ll just have to see what happens when inspiration once again strikes and I find myself once again pounding away at the keyboard filling the page with words.

Rejoicing in the journey - Bethany