A Reset Button
When I was younger so much younger than today, I never needed anybody's help in anyway. But, now these days are gone I'm not so self assured...
Its nap time. Thad's asleep and Sage is is also drifting in and out of consciousness. As I sit here with images from the morning dancing around in my head I'm wishing I had a reset button. I wish i could change this morning, I wish I could change almost all of the ways I've interacted with my son in the past twenty four hours. But, I can't.
...But, every now and then I feel so insecure, I know that I just need you like I've never done before...
As I sit here I kept thinking about these two prayers I wrote when Thad was little. I just read them again and this sentence jumped out and almost screamed at me, "I need you to show me what is really required of me so that I don’t heap unneeded guilt upon my own shoulders or the shoulders of those around me." I realized as I read these prayers how desperately I need God to infiltrate my parenting, especially in this area of guilt and the expectations I place upon myself.
Help me if you can I'm feeling down, and I do appreciate you being round.
This morning there was a moment when I hid in the bed room and cried for a minute, when I thought to myself, "I need someone to talk me off a cliff..." I almost called a friend, but it was six thirty in the morning and even though my day had started two hours earlier I knew not everyone else's had, and besides the courage it would take to make that phone call and admit I needed help - not I had needED help, but I need help, right then and there, before sunrise kind of help...well... that's not the kind of thing you're really suppose to ask someone for. So, I sent up a desperate prayer, "Lord, help me."
Help me get my feet back off the ground, won't you please, please help me.
And slowly, quietly help came, not in the way I'd wanted but in a gentle shifting, it came.
Something sunk in for me in a new way today - the power of the present moment. I was sitting here regretting my actions of the morning, a little upset with myself that I hadn't worked up the courage to call for help, and I realized afresh that what I was dwelling on was futile and emotionally detrimental to my health. I can't push a reset button. I can't change the parent I was in the past...but, I don't have to let that influence, and even dictate, the rest of the day or the parent I'll be in the future. I can choose to dwell on my feelings of guilt, to hold up an image of myself as "the worse mom ever", or I can choose to reset my attitude and focus. I can't start over, but I can start anew from this moment.
Most days I'm not who I want to be or where I want to be, but I'm realizing (slowly) that I don't need to be. I am me, here and now, the best me I have ever been, and I am becoming.
...But, now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.
Rejoicing in the journey - Bethany Stedman