I have always been future oriented. I tend to be a bit of a dreamer. I think about the future...my future...a lot. But ever since we got Bryan's melanoma diagnosis, well, I feel like I don't know how to dream anymore.
We have had seasons in the past where our future felt uncertain and unclear, but, for me, even during those unstable times, when the future was uncertain, there was a constant. There was one thing I knew I could count on and it made thinking about even the uncertain futures enjoyable.
That constant was Bryan.
Even when I had no idea what tomorrow would bring I knew he would be with me. I could face any uncertain future, because I would face it with Bryan. We could even talk about difficult futures freely and without fear because we knew we'd face whatever came together. We could dream about crazy schemes openly because we knew that if they ever came to be we would build that future together.
But when Bryan was diagnosed with melanoma all of the potential futures that stretched out before me shook and broke.
The truth is those futures still lay before me as potential paths, but now there were also a whole new set of potential futures. And for the first time Bryan wasn't a constant in all of my potential futures. There were potential futures in front of me in which I was alone. The thought was completely overwhelming for me.
When your future has some variables and some constants it's fun to dream, to move around the variables and play with desire to discover just the right potential future to pursue. But, when there are no constants, when all of your future is shifting variables, well, it's just not as fun.
But, truth be told my future has always been only shifting variables. I thought Bryan was a guaranteed constant in my future, but that was just a delusion. Bryan's melanoma diagnosis didn't really change my potential futures, it just burst my delusion. I never had a guarantee that the people I love would be a part of all of my potential futures. Honestly, none of us have that guarantee.
There is only one constant when it comes to my future, and the futures of all men and women, and that is the One living God, who walks with us into all potential outcomes, into all dreams and nightmares, and each of our coming days.
I have a difficult time dreaming now. The future looks too completely uncertain, too unpredictable, too difficult. And most of the time I just can't go there.
But, perhaps it's not up to me to dream my future into being. Perhaps all I can do, all I'm suppose to do, is just live into each day I've been given, accept it as a gift with the knowledge of the uncertainty of tomorrow and do the best with that one day that I can possible do.
Perhaps all I can really do is lean into the one True constant. And pray that the Spirit of the ever constant God would walk near me into all my future days.
Rejoicing in the journey, Bethany Stedman