Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. In an attempt at catharsis I wrote this:
The boy whines with feverish intensity, "my head, my throat, my stomach! It hurts!" "Carry me!" He demands as he contorts his body into a ball of flesh on the floor. I scoop him up and pace. Back and forth, back and forth Singing as I go. The girl's cries are constant and growing. Her demands unmet, she raises her complaint louder. I set down the boy and draw the girl onto my lap. She reaches for what she wants but before she can get it the boy is crawling on top of her to meet his own desires for closeness. "Hold me mommy! MOMMY!" With one arm still wrapped around the girl I gently push the boy off, "She needs mommy now." I draw a drained and sore breast out from the fold of my shirt. And she drinks. Hungrily. Thirstily. Soaking in more from me then I feel I have to give. "Mommy! Put sister down! Hold me!" His earnest demands interrupt her feeding. She bites down as she pulls her head back to look at him. Is she challenging him? They stare at one another. Both wanting my all. Nether one completely satisfied. She sucks my body dry while he eats away at my tired soul.
The rest and peace I once had devoured so quickly by their simple presence beside me.
Today as I awoke I was still feeling the emotional drain of yesterday. My body tense with the anticipation of another day like the one before. Weary from a night of tears and pacing the floor I feel as if the day stretching before me is more than I can take.
And then the boy looks up at me with wide eyes so full of wonder, excitement and trust.
And the girl flashes a smile, the smile that could light up even the darkest of caverns.
And I am devoured in a new way. Devoured in love.
Rejoicing in the journey,