Listening to God Instead of Abandoning Ideas to Fear
Yesterday I went to mom’s group at our church. We talked about significance and how we are so very loved by God, so very accepted by him, so deeply approved of, so completely forgiven and made new.
Afterwards I threw out an idea for a yoga and worship night at church to the woman who runs the group. She was super sweet and very open to the idea, but despite that my own insecurities and shame and self-doubts worked havoc all over the conversation as soon as it was over. How quickly I forgot the message I had just heard. How easily I reject the complete love and acceptance of Christ.
Before I knew it my self talk was riddled with “Ideas like this never work out for you. You’ve tried things in the past and always failed. Who are you to think you could do this?” By the time I got home I was ready to throw out the whole idea, despite the fact that I have been praying about it for MONTHS, despite the fact that I’ve wanted to do something like this for YEARS, despite the fact that I really felt God prompting me to take a step towards making it happen. Ugh!
As I sat there with these feelings, trying to call to mind again the truths that I had heard just that morning, I began to write. This is what came.
I have this problem This thing that I do I expect perfection And when it cannot be true I give up I surrender I abandon the fight I think, “It’s not worth it If it cannot be right.” I begin in excitement And abandon in fear. I neglect Love And trade peace for a tear. I seek out approval But fear it cannot be found. So I bury my treasure deep in the ground. Covered in earth I forget I’m covered in ash. The mark of the cross Wrapped around like a sash. I feel it is hopeless This cycle: a trap. I forget the doors open And I lie on my back. Withdrawn, Immobile, Passive, Afraid, But, not today. No, not today. Today I will listen to words that are true. I’ll take just one step, And I’ll listen to You.
Rejoicing in the journey, Bethany