Our pediatrician recommended blood tests and an MRI to try and determine the cause and extent of the issue. So far the blood work has all come back normal and we have yet to do the MRI. We’ve also seen a neurologist and been referred to a geneticist. As we’ve learned a little more though, it seems likely that we will never know a cause or, in advance, how it might effect her. It also seems likely that she will have some developmental delays of some sort. They could be mild delays or severe delays, they may show up right away or not for a while, and at this point it seems we have no way of knowing.

I honestly feel weird writing about it, since I don’t feel like we really know anything. All we really know is that she’s measuring at 2.4 deviations and that there’s a good chance she will have some developmental delays, although there’s also a chance she could grow up without any noticeable delays at all. We just don’t know.

In some ways I’ve been really thankful that we found this out right in the middle of a move, when there’s lots to do and not much opportunity to stop and think. The little research I’ve been able to do has made me realize that maybe its better for my psyche if I don’t do any at all. It’s hard to feel so helpless, though, and to live with this constant unknown.

I love my little girl so much. We bonded so much more quickly than I did with my son. I look at her and my heart melts. I can’t imagine my life without her and have already sort of forgotten what life was like before she was born. I want her to have a wonderful and full life. I don’t want her quality of life to be diminished because of this. I don’t want her life to be more difficult because of this. It breaks my heart to think of all of the what-ifs and how this may affect her over time.

And then she locks eyes with me and smiles and I know that whatever comes we are going to be ok. My beautiful little girl will always be my beautiful little girl. And I feel ready to face whatever comes, together, as a family.

Rejoicing in the journey –
Bethany Stedman

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Last weekend we prayed through this liturgy with a small group of people and today I wanted to share it with all of you.

Blessing for Sage Eleanor Stedman

Celebrant:
“The blessing of Christ comes to you in this child.
His blessing is mercy and kindness and joy.
Blessing comes to home and to family.”

Celebrants together:
Joy come to you through this child.

Mother and father together:
Joy come to all through this gift.

Mother:
Begotten through love she is birthed into loving arms.
Shaped in darkness she comes forth in light.
Formed in secret she is fully known.

Celebrant:
May She smile with the light of the sun.

Celebrant:
May She dance to the song of the stars.

Celebrant:
May She move with the grace of the moon.

Father:
She is light, joy, and wisdom.

Celebrant:
Light shines on the righteous
and joy on the upright in heart. Psalm 97:11

Grandmother:
God’s light shine on you, child.

Father and Mother:
We bless you, sweet daughter.

Father:
I bless you, my daughter, may you laugh joyfully with the sun.
As the warmth of the sun Brings health, growth, energy, and delight to all those who bath in it’s rays,
may you bring healing to the hurting,
inspire growth in the floundering,
lend energy to the weak,
and bring delight to all those who meet you.

Mother:
May your judgement be unclouded, your intuition vivid, your contemplations enlightened.

Celebrant:
Joy of salvation be upon you.

Celebrant:
With joy you will draw water
from the wells of salvation. Isaiah 12:3

Father and mother:
We bless you, loved child.

Mother:
I bless you, my daughter, May you dance lightly with the stars.
As a stars light only reaches it’s full potential when combined with the light of others,
may you always surround yourself with others who shine of light and love and equality.

Father:
May you be open and inviting towards all you meet, welcoming all into your heart with a gentle and contagious joy.

Celebrant:
The light of Gods presence be upon you.

Celebrant:
Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you,
who walk in the light of your presence, LORD.
They rejoice in your name all day long;
they celebrate your righteousness. Psalm 89:15-16

Father and mother:
We bless you, precious gift.

Father:
I bless you, my daughter, may you sing wisely with the moon.
As the light of the full moon is luminous, reflective, and far seeing,
may you be luminous with a subtle yet radiant beauty,
insightful and keen to pick up on things that are missed by others,
and far seeing in your ability to comprehend and understand that which is beyond comprehension.

Mother:
May you be wise beyond your years and joyful beyond your circumstances.

Celebrant:
Wisdom of heaven be upon you.

Celebrant:
The law of the LORD is perfect,
refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes. Psalm 19:7-8

Father and mother:
We ask that Gods blessing be upon this child and His loving arms always around her.

Grandfather:
How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
They feast on the abundance of your house;
you give them drink from your river of delights.
For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light.
Continue your love to those who know you,
your righteousness to the upright in heart.
May the foot of the proud not come against [this little one],
nor the hand of the wicked drive [her] away. Psalm 36:7-11

Father and Mother together:
We lift up this child to you, Lord.
We recognize that she is your gift to us and that we are only stewards of her.

Grandparents:
“The blessing of Christ comes to you in this child.
His blessing is mercy and kindness and joy.
Blessing comes to home and to family.”

Father and mother:
We lift up this child to you, Lord.
And give her the name Sage Eleanor Stedman
And pray that she would live up to the meanings and significances of her name.

Father:
Sage means wise, prophet, and aromatic herb. We ask that God fill this child with wisdom. That she would be prophetic, and insightful. We also ask that she would be a sweet fragrance going up to the throne of grace. That she would be an aromatic blessing of joy and comfort for all who come in contact with her.

Mother:
Eleanor means light, or one who is bright, or God is my light. We ask That Gods light would fill and radiate out of this beautiful little girl. May she be a shining beacon of light amidst a world that can at times seem dark and disheartening. Eleanor also has another meaning. In Greek it can mean pity. You are not a pity, my daughter, and it is not a pity that you have entered our family. But, we do claim this as part of your name in a very specific manor. We pray that you would take pity, compassion, on all those who live in the darkness of hurt, anger, and discouragement, and that you would bring light and joy into their pain.

Celebrants together:
Welcome, Sage Eleanor Stedman,
child of love.
We welcome you with open arms and hearts of love.

(Open prayers for baby – whoever wants to can pray as they feel led)

Father:
Gods favor be upon you, daughter.

Celebrants together:
Gods favor be upon us all.
Amen.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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I felt weak, scared and tired. I didn’t feel like “one tough mamma.” Shell kept saying, “you’re so strong.” But, I didn’t believe her, I couldn’t believe her. I didn’t feel strong. I felt weak, in fact I felt all of the weaknesses and inadequacies that I’d wrestled with ever since becoming a mother two years ago come rushing over me. I felt like I couldn’t do it… and so I couldn’t. I didn’t really want to push her out. I was scared of feeling “that pain” again. I was scared of bleeding too much (as I had with Thaddeus). I was scared that she would be just as difficult as Thad was and scared that I wouldn’t be able to handle having two kids. I was scared that the pain was going to continue forever and just wanted it to be over, but I didn’t want to go through the only door that would make the pain stop.

Finally, I muttered out something about feeling discouraged. Shell decided to do an internal to see what was going on. I remember her putting her fingers against my coccyx on the inside and telling me that was where the baby needed to go, that I needed to push the baby into that space. I knew she was right and I tried to do what she was asking, but it was a half hearted attempt. As soon as she had touched that area I was flooded with the muscle memory of Thad’s birth, I remembered that spot and the pain it took to push Thad past it (Thad had gotten stuck at my coccyx since it hadn’t moved out of the way like it should have, Shell had to pull it out of the way and we are pretty sure I either broke or bruised it during that labor). The memory of that felt so tangible and I couldn’t bring myself to push past it.

It was at this point that Shell suggested we do something she called “the rotisserie” and took a moment to describe it to us. Basically the laboring women lays on her back for a contraction or two pushing her lower back into the floor then turns to lay on her side with her top leg bent and bottom leg relatively stretched out for a contraction or two and then on hands and knees for a contraction or two and then on the other side for a contraction or two and then back to her back for a contraction or two.

We did two rotations this way. I have never known pain like that. It was beyond intense, it was unbearable. I remember kind of hating Shell in that moment for making me do this. Normally I deal with contractions with a fair amount of movement so having to be in one position the whole contraction was excruciating and the fact that most of those positions were not comfortable positions for me made it extra hard.

During my last rotation Shell turned the water on in the bath and started filling it up, I can’t really explain the feeling I felt when I heard that tub turn on. On the one hand I was sort of ecstatic thinking that the end of the rotisserie must be soon and imagining how nice the water would feel. I spent almost all of my labor with Thad in the tub and felt such relief from that. Earlier in labor the tub had come up – I think my sister asked if I was going to use it – and I hesitated and didn’t really know how to answer. Shell said something about how it seemed I wanted to see which came first if I reached my breaking point or if the baby came. I remember thinking she was exactly right.

As I did that rotisserie and heard the tub filling up I knew I had reached my breaking point and it was time for the tub – really I felt like I had reached my breaking point long before this and was just so far past the breaking point as to be completely desperate by this time. I was also angry as the tub filled up though, because I just wanted to get in it right then, and Shell asked me to do another set on my back and on my side – I remember feeling really angry in that moment. I didn’t want to do any more. I wanted to get in the tub. I didn’t think I was capable of doing any more – I was already broken into pieces, there wasn’t any strength left. But, then I did it. When I thought that I was completely unable to, when I thought I had no strength left, when I thought I was already broken as far as I could be…I did it. I broke more. And even without strength I pressed through…screamed through, but made it.

When I finally got in the tub it was such a relief, but things were still moving pretty fast and intense. I remember the water felt like it was really cold to me, even though Shell and Bryan kept telling me that it was plenty warm. I shivered and turned on the hot anyway.

By this point I really wanted it over. I pushed a bit in the tub, but quickly felt like I had to pooh. I got out and went to the toilet. I poohed a little and worked through a contraction on the toilet and then it hit… My bottom split open – or at least that’s what it felt like. I jumped off the toilet and cried out “she’s coming!” Bryan had just then gone to get me more water, so Shell hollered for him to come back and he was there a second later. It was then that I really started to push.

I reached up to feel the head as I had with Thaddeus. It felt so different, so smooth, I was a little freaked out at first. It wasn’t until later that I realized what I was feeling wasn’t exactly the head – it was the head still wrapped in the membranes since my waters hadn’t broken yet.

I squatted in a sort of half kneeling half squatting position and pushed, Shell and Bryan pushed in on my hips from either side. I pushed more. There was a popping feeling and sound as my waters broke. It was 3:22am. I pushed more and reached down (Shell said I actually pushed her hands out of the way, but I don’t totally remember that) what I do remember is Bryan and I together catching our beautiful little girl. She was born at 3:25am on labor day, September 5th. She had her hand up by her ear and her chin tilted up instead of tucked down, which explained some of why the pain had been so intense.

I laid her down on the floor in front of me and waited a minute or two till I was feeling like I was back in my body and ready to pick her up. I held her for a moment, but felt pretty shaky and laid her back down in front of me as Shell gave me a shot of pitocin (we had decided to do pitocin right away after the birth since we had some concerns about hemorrhaging). Shell also gave me a drink of Chinese herbs after the shot.

After the cord had stopped pulsating we cut the cord. I remember asking Shell about waiting till I delivered the placenta and having her tell me with a little bit of urgency in her voice that she wanted to get it cut and me laying down. She showed me the cord then and it had clearly stopped pulsating so Bryan went ahead and cut it. Shell then had me lay down with the baby on my chest/belly. Bryan and Shell both kept telling me to look at them and keep my eyes open, which I remember being really annoyed with because I thought I felt fine… just tired. I remember thinking, “It’s all over now so why can’t I just rest for a second?” I also remember feeling a lot of pressure from the placenta and feeling so relieved when it was delivered. Shell said something about it coming out a different way from normal, something about how placentas coming out that way are more commonly low laying in the uterus.

Bryan was asking me what song was playing on the playlist, it was A Thankful Heart, which was the first song that had played from the playlist back at the beginning of my labor. He kept telling me to keep my eyes open and I still felt annoyed. By this point I couldn’t stop shaking, which is not uncommon for women after birth. Shell gave me some oxygen and kept asking “are you with us? Bethany! Look at me.” I guess I must have looked much worse than I felt.

Shell checked me out and told us my bleeding was really light (a big relief), she also told us I didn’t need any stitches (of course that was also a relief). I think she checked my heart rate and blood pressure as well and all was normal. She told us that physically I was perfectly fine. Nothing was wrong with me. But, she and Bryan still seemed worried about me and wouldn’t let me close my eyes. For the next little bit they seemed to focus on keeping me from passing out. Bryan brought me a couple of spoonfuls of raw honey and that seemed to really help. Once I started to feel a bit better I really wanted to sit up since my back hurt and I still felt pressure while laying on it.

I sat up, leaning against the bathroom cabinets and held Sage. It was the first time I really truly looked at her. Bryan sat next to me and we both just stared at her. It was a really sweet moment for all of us and I was glad that we were able to enjoy that time for a little while. I nursed Sage a little, but she wasn’t all that interested. I remember Shell telling us that the song that had been playing when Sage was born was “Hey Jude” – I hadn’t even noticed.

After a bit, Shell took Sage to look her over and weight her. It was about then that Brie came in carrying Thaddeus. Thad cuddled up to me and together, with Bryan next to us, we all watched as Shell checked Sage out.

She weighed 5 pounds 15 ounces and was 18.5 inches long. Shell guessed by her reflexes and size that she was actually about 38.5 weeks gestation (we had already been speculating that my original estimated due date was wrong and this confirmed it). She was a tiny little one, but healthy and strong with the most beautiful rudy coloring.

After Shell was done I got cleaned up and crawled into bed with Sage. Shell took a short nap before checking us out again and heading home to get some rest. Bryan got Thad breakfast and played with him. And thus began our very long first day as a family of four.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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I remember crying at the library. I checked email on the ipad while there and I got a really sweet and encouraging message from my friend, Melissa. In a moment when I was feeling especially discouraged about still being pregnant (I was a week past my estimated due date) she told me she was proud of me and wrote this “So today, instead of saying when is this baby going to get here?! I want you to say ‘I am one tough mama, I can handle this!! I can be patient for nature. Not everyone does this and I am proud of myself for waiting it out!!’ and give yourself a nice pat on the back. Or just pat your belly if that is easier.” It made me smile and then cry. And it made me feel a little better too. Little did I know how much I would need to hear, and remember her words that I was one tough momma in the hours to come.

My labor really got started Sunday evening around 6pm. I’d been having contractions steadily all afternoon, but they weren’t really labor contractions, they were just the same tightening feeling that I’d been having since I was about 20 weeks pregnant. But, around 6pm things changed, these contractions were different, they felt like labor. Suddenly as I felt them I remembered, really remembered, my first birth in a whole new way.

I continued having regular labor contractions as I made dinner and put Thaddeus to bed. When a contraction would hit I’d just lean over against the counter and do what I needed to do to deal with it and then go back to making dinner. We had a broccoli and green bean pasta for dinner. Bryan and I split a beer and toasted to the baby being born soon.

Dealing with the contractions got a little harder while putting Thad to sleep as they got more intense while I was nursing him. Thankfully he fell asleep quickly and I only had to work through two or three contractions while putting him to bed.

After Thad was asleep we called our midwife, Shell, and gave her a heads up about what was going on. Then I had some chocolate crème brûlée that my dad had made the night before and we tried to watch some tv. That didn’t last long.

It was getting later and things were moving along well so we started getting some stuff ready – moving birth supplies into the bedroom, changing the sheets on the bed, etc. We put on the playlist of songs I had made for the birth and danced our way through a few contractions. Shell called back to see how things were going and told us she was on her way. We called my sister and asked her to come be with Thad in case he woke up. We texted my mom (since we knew she was up any way because of the time difference in Cebu) and I sent off a quick email to some close friends who had agreed to pray with me throughout the last few weeks of pregnancy.

When Shell got here she started setting up her stuff, and helped me through a few contractions. Then we all moved out into the kitchen. Shell had one of dad’s crème brûlée’s and a coffee. Bryan and I had some tea and we all just sat and talked in-between contractions. Shell shared stories with us that made us laugh. (She really should write her memoirs some day – I know I would love to read that!)

Soon Brie arrived and joined us for a crème brûlée of her own and plenty of her own energy and talkativeness. The contractions at this point were difficult but manageable and Shell kept saying “I think you’ll be surprised. I think your farther along then you think you are.” which was of course an encouraging thing to hear.

After everyone had finished their desert and drinks we moved back into the bedroom and Shell did an internal exam – more for the opportunity to turn the baby since she was still posterior than to find out how dilated I was, but it was encouraging when she told us that my cervix was dilated to a five on it’s own but could easily stretch to an eight. My sister asked something about how much longer Shell thought it would be and Shell said something to the extent of it being up to me, that my cervix wasn’t really the issue, and it would quickly open and stretch as it needed to once I was ready and about how it was going to be more about me being ready and not afraid to push…or something like that. It was getting harder for me to concentrate at this point.

After I was checked Brie and Bryan started laying down the plastic floor covering stuff that we got to protect the carpet (my dad was worried we’d ruin the carpet in his bathroom again, like we had when my son was born). The stuff we got this time had adhesive on one side so it actually stuck to the carpet and didn’t slide around. It worked really well. My sister got really into the job of covering the carpet and even made a little “run way” from where I was laboring on the floor in the bedroom to the bathroom. It even had an arrow in the middle made out of duct tape. We all got a little chuckle out of it.

It was nice to laugh during labor – my labor with Thaddeus had been really, intense and heavy and even contemplative. Up to this point in my labor with Sage things were much lighter, more relaxed, and I felt much more present and grounded.

Once we moved into the bathroom with everything all set up I hit what I’m going to call the peeing stage of my labor. By this point the baby was very low in my pelvis and putting a lot of pressure on my bladder. For a while this was the pattern that was my reality – have a contraction, go to the toilet and pee, come back out, feel thirsty and have something to drink, have another contraction, get up again to pee, again have something to drink. It went on like this with me peeing about every two minutes for quite a while.

Then things slowed down a bit. I remember my sister asking numerous times “what are we waiting for?” and looking at her phone. I remember her asking Shell how much longer she thought it would be and how far along she thought I was now. I didn’t realize it at first but her anxiety and desire for it to be over started rubbing off on me. I was the one who really wanted it to be over, I was the one working through the pain every few minutes! My stress level rose.

I remember telling them that I felt a lot of pressure (which isn’t surprising since the baby was very low by now) and that I kind of wanted to push but didn’t really feel ready. Shell told me if I wanted to push I could try and that if I wasn’t ready it wouldn’t really do anything. For the next few contractions I pushed. Shell listened to the babies heart rate, which sounded great. The pushing felt nice with the contractions, but it didn’t really do anything.

I started to feel discouraged as Brie asked again “what are we waiting for”. There started to be longer distances between contractions. I remember during a particularly long break between contractions I thought to myself “you need to ask brie to leave” it was clear as day and I knew it was what I needed for everything to pick back up again. But I wrestled with telling her for what felt like a mini-eternity. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, I knew she had said she really wanted to be at the birth. I had planned on having her video the birth and take pictures (as long as Thad didn’t wake up), since I was always a little sad that I didn’t have video/pictures of Thad’s birth. Would brie take it the wrong way, or would she understand? I struggled with these things for a while, but I knew I had to ask her to leave. So, I asked her to go, and she did, and pretty much immediately things picked up again.

…. check back tomorrow for the rest of the story…

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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I have to admit that even when I first realized that this was an option instead of formula I still felt a little strange about it. I mean I thought it was great and definitely supported women milk sharing, but when I thought about someone else nursing my child or giving my child someone else’s breast milk, well, then I felt a little strange about it. It felt a bit weird to me. I remember when my son was just a few months old talking with a friend about it and about how we would feel having someone else nurse our baby, or giving our baby someone else’s milk. I remember thinking that donor milk is probably the choice I would make if I ever needed to supplement for some reason, but I also remember thinking that I would probably feel a little uncomfortable about it.

But, when I actually had the opportunity to experience another women nursing my baby I felt none of the discomfort that I thought I would feel. In fact it felt like the most natural, normal thing in the world. You see when my daughter was born just three weeks ago she struggled with weight gain. When she was just three days old she had lost 12% of her birth weight and weighed only 5 pounds 2 ounces. Our midwife recommended supplementing with donor milk if my milk didn’t come in by that night. Well, it didn’t (in fact my milk didn’t come in until late in the day on day five). So, I called a friend and she came over right away with some frozen breast milk for us. While she was here she nursed baby Sage. Instead of feeling uncomfortable, I felt relieved and grateful, loved and cared for by a friend and fellow mommy. This simple act, that cost my friend very little, made me feel truly supported during the fragile first days that are the postpartum experience. I will always remember her generosity with gratitude and deep thankfulness.

I think the fact that I hadn’t really heard of milk sharing as a viable option for supplementation until about two years ago, and the fact that I at first felt an underlying sense of discomfort in the idea, even though I support it theoretically, just goes to show what a great job formula companies have done convincing us that their way is normal and best, instead of the more natural way that women have been dealing with things for centuries, through sisters and aunts and friends sharing the breast milk they had in a abundance with those who needed it.

That is why i think events like world milk sharing week are so important. We need women to speak out and help normalize milk sharing so that mothers recognize donor milk as an option for supplementation. So that no women thinks that formula is her ONLY choice. And we need women to talk about their own experience with milk sharing so

that we can begin to normalize societal feelings about milk sharing. I will never forget my own personal experience with donor milk and milk sharing and how significant and helpful it was for me and my daughter. I am so glad that I called that friend and didn’t let my discomfort in asking her to help me, or my uncertainty about how I would feel about it, get in the way. It was truly a beautiful gift that she gave my daughter and I am nothing but grateful.

Rejoicing in the journey -

Bethany Stedman

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Connected Mom writes this beautiful post about Four Lies Sleep Trainers Tell You (And One Truth They Won’t!)

If you’ve ever struggled with a baby who just won’t sleep the way “they” tell you that your baby “should”, well, I encourage you to read this post.

I want to close by sharing a poem that Connect Mom shared at the end of her post. I thought this was absolutely beautiful, and inspiring, and SO encouraging! This is for all you mama’s out there who, like me, continue to struggle through sleep deprivation.

Selflessness

Everything which endures can

only do so because Eternal

Consciousness gives it a sentience.

A mother who gives herself

completely to her infant meets

herself in the dark and finds

fulfillment.

In the hours between midnight

and dawn, she crosses the

threshold of self-concern and

discovers a Self that has no limits.

A wise mother meets this

Presence with humility and steps

through time into selflessness.

Infants know when their mothers

have done this, and they

become peaceful.

Who, then, is the doer? Is it the

infant who brings its mother

through the veil of self-concern

into limitlessness? Is it the

mother, who chooses to hold

sacred her infant’s needs and

surrender herself? Or is it the

One, which weaves them both

through a spiraling path

toward wholeness?

You can sit and meditate while

your baby cries himself to sleep.

Or you can go to him and share

his tears, and find your Self.

By Vimala McClure, from The Tao of Motherhood

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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This week is International Babywearing Week. Happy Babywearing, friends!!

Check out these links for more information about babywearing and International Babywearing Week:

Code Name: Mama writes a great overview about babywearing and International Babywearing Week.

Here is a Scientific paper written by Dr. Mara Blois all about the benefits of babywearing.

When the Watchdog Goes Awry: The CPSC’s Misguided Assault on Slings is a helpful article explaining the CPSC’s recall of sling baby carriers.

This post gives great information on babywearing safety and also wonderfully helpful recommendations on which baby carriers are best.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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For example, I’ve read quite a few posts about women who thought they would follow Gary Ezzo’s advice in Babywise, but they tried and it didn’t work for them, so they had to let go of their expectations and change their picture of ideal. (As a side note, I found this article from Christianity Today, saying that Ezzo’s approach is potentially dangerous and that the original publisher was severing ties with him, to be really interesting.)

Tonight I talked to a dear friend who shared about how when her kids where younger the “hot” parenting strategy in their church was Growing Kids God’s Way. She expected to follow that advice with her child, and she tried it for a while, but it didn’t work for her. She felt like she wasn’t being true to who she was when she followed Growing Kid’s God’s Way and it didn’t work with her child. So, she had to let go of her expectations and change her picture of ideal.

Yesterday, I had to let go of my expectations and change my picture of ideal.

I shared here on the blog about Baby Led Weaning and our desire to follow this approach to introducing solid food. We have been doing this for the past few weeks, but most of the time Thaddeus doesn’t eat much of it. He’s still nursing a LOT and so I have been very relaxed about him eating. But, yesterday we went to the pediatrician and there are some concerns. He’s not gaining weight like he should; he’s just above the 3^rd percentile now. The doctor didn’t think we needed to run any tests or really worry about it, but she did say that he needs more calories. He needs to be eating much more than he has been.

So,  we came home and spoon feed him some mush – making sure he actually ate it.

I felt sad about it, like I was letting down this ideal that I had, but Thaddeus seemed fine with it. In fact he seemed to really enjoy it. He liked the food, he seemed less frustrated then when we just put food in front of him and let him try and pick it up. He ate well and ate almost all of what we’d prepared.

We all have our ideas of how we want to parent and the types of parents we want to be, but there is something that’s even more important than our ideals – Our Children. What works for one child, might not work for another child. What works for one mom or family, might not work for another mom or family.

My friend told me that whenever she hears parenting advice or someone say “this is the best thing to do for your child” or that sort of thing, she thinks of it like a story. A story of something that worked for a particular child, with a particular parent, in a particular setting and time. Maybe it’ll work for your child too, but maybe it won’t. Don’t hold so tightly to the ideal or the advice. Look instead at your child and be willing to compromise on your ideal for what is best for your particular child at this particular time.

A few weeks ago I read this wonderful post about all the things a “good mom” does and about how being a good mom can look very different in different situations. I love it and thought of it again today as I adjusted my ideals a little bit. There is so much of all of this in each of us. We shouldn’t judge each other when someone else doesn’t meet our ideals. We shouldn’t judge ourselves when we don’t meet our own ideals. We may do things differently, we may not reach our expectations, we may compromise on our ideals, but that doesn’t make us bad moms. We are human, and we do the best we can for our children with where we are at. I am a good mom, even if my baby is skinner than we’d like right now. I am a good mom even if I change my ideals.

Hold loosely to your ideals today. Allow your child, your life, and your God, to shape the mom you are and the mom you are becoming, instead of the ideals you have placed on yourself.

Rejoicing in the journey-
Bethany Stedman

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Weaning Part I: When to Start Solids
Weaning Part II: Baby’s First Food
Weaning Part III: Baby Led Weaning
Weaning Part IV: Allergies and Foods to Avoid

Today I want to share with you my thoughts and plans about when to stop nursing. I’ve been hesitant to write this post because, well, honestly, I fear that some of you might judge me for it. I know that I fear what people will think of me and often make decisions based on that motivation, but I don’t want to make decisions based on fear and cultural stigmas when it comes to my child, instead I want to make informed, intentional decisions based on what’s best for my own family. So, if you disagree with this post or you choose a different way for you and your family please know that I respect that and hope that you will be equally as gracious with me.

Let’s start with my own experiences with weaning. First of all, as far as I am aware, I have never personally known anyone who has nursed much longer than a year. So, I think there is a part of me that just always assumed I would wean my child around their first birthday, like most people I know. Sure, I had heard of people nursing more long term (in fact I knew that my husband’s grandfather, who is from Europe, had been nursed till he was 3), but most of the time when I heard about people nursing long term it was fairly negative. In fact even when I was pregnant I was part of a conversation with a group of ladies who all agreed that once the child could ask for it they were too old to be breastfed.

But, as my son get’s closer and closer to turning one I just can’t imagine stopping breastfeeding. Sure there are moments when I long for my freedom (especially since we haven’t introduced bottles at all) and there are moments when my nipples get soar and I’m tired of waking up in the night. But, for the most part, I love breastfeeding. I love the closeness it creates. I love how easy it is and that I don’t have stress about balancing meals or packing food when we’re out. I love knowing that it’s the best possible form of nutrition for him and that it has all sorts of health benefits for him and for me.

So, over the past few months I started wondering what was really best for me and my son. I know what others around me had done. And I know some of the reasons why, but what should I do? How long do I want to breastfeed and what is going to be best for both my health and my sons?

As I asked these questions I did some research. Here’s what I found out:

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that women breastfeed for a minimum of one year. The World Health Organization, on the other hand, recommends that women continue to breastfeed their babies until the baby is at LEAST 2 years old. I was actually really surprised by this. I had no idea before looking into it that the WHO’s minimum recommendation for nursing was 2 years. Then I started to wonder why the difference between the AAP and the WHO?? Basically the WHO doesn’t take cultural norms or societal stigmas into consideration; their recommendation is based solely on health. The AAP does take cultural norms into account with their recommendation. Both the AAP and the WHO state that breastfeeding beyond their minimums will benefit both the mother and the child and that breastfeeding should be continued for as long as “mutually desired.”

Something else I found really interesting was that the American Academy of Family Physicians states that children weaned before two years of age are at an increased risk of illness. Did you know that breast milk actually changes in composition the longer you nurse for? It has significantly higher fat and energy contents and some of the immune factors that are always present in breast milk also increase in concentration after a year. Breast milk meets the developing toddlers health needs just as efficiently as it meets the developing newborns needs.

Here are a few of the benefits of nursing until or past two years of age:

• Nursing toddlers have been found to be sick less often and to recover more quickly from illness then their non-nursing peers.
• Breastfeeding protects women against breast cancer and the longer a women nurses the more her risk of breast cancer decreases.
• Extended breastfeeding has been shown to increase IQ. In fact “Extensive research on the relationship between cognitive achievement (IQ scores, grades in school) and breastfeeding has shown the greatest gains for those children breastfed the longest.” This is particularly pronounced in children who are nursed past the age of two.
• It has been shown to protect against various diseases, including diabetes, heart disease, and multiple sclerosis.
• A nursing toddler who is sick and refuses to eat is still getting adequate nutrition from breast milk and will be less likely to get dehydrated and more likely to stay nourished (even if they are vomiting because breast milk is so easily and rabidly absorbed by the body).
• Long-term nursing can reduce the risk of allergies and asthma.
• One study even connected long-term nursing (babies nursed longer than one year) with social adjustment. Children who had nursed longer were more likely to be rated by mothers and teachers as well adjusted socially and less likely to have conduct problems.
• In short, all of the advantages of breastfeeding a baby just continue to get stronger the longer you do it. Well, that seems pretty good to me.

For a truly wonderful list of the benefits of breastfeeding (at any age, baby or toddler) click here.

So, what about concerns? What are some reasons why you might not want to breastfeed past a year or into toddlerhood?

• Many people are concerned that it will create an “unhealthy attachment” in the toddler and that they won’t develop the independence so valued in our society. Studies have actually shown the reverse to be true. Research has shown that children who are allowed to nurse until they are ready to wean themselves are actually less dependent in the long run. It is said that this is because their needs for security have been fully met as infants and they can then move on to independence in their own timing and abilities when they are ready. In some ways this makes sense to me. I think often we try to rush our children to grow up and because we as American’s value independence so much we try and push it on our children even before they are capable of it. Personally I think it is completely appropriate for a toddler to be dependent and attached to his/her mom and to receive both nourishment and comfort from her.
• Another concern is that if you wait past a year to wean it will be harder when you do wish to wean the child. Instead of weaning a sweet baby you will be weaning an animated toddler. We hear such horror stories of the terrible twos that we think there is no way we would be able to wean in the middle of that so we wean before our children are really ready. It is true that extended nursing means that weaning will take more time and when it does happen it will most likely be a slow process, possibly with two steps forward and one step back all along the way. But, if you wait till the child is truly ready weaning doesn’t need to be a power struggle and you can in fact most likely talk the child through the transition so that they can understand it. To me that seems like a very humane and peaceful option.
• Another question and concern that I personally had with long-term nursing is what happens if you get pregnant again? We plan on having another child eventually and if I allow Thaddeus to self-wean and nurse long term it is possible that I will become pregnant again before he stops nursing – what happens then? Well, the truth, which I had never known before doing this research, is that it is entirely possible to keep nursing while you are pregnant. If the woman is healthy and the pregnancy is normal there is no reason to stop nursing an older child. It does not pose health risks for you, your toddler or your unborn child. Some women say that their milk dried up when they got pregnant and it may be that they did produce less, but that does not mean that there toddler is not getting anything or that the closeness and comfort nursing provides is not still valuable. There is even some research that suggests that tandem nursing (nursing a new baby and an older sibling at the same time) can result in a better adjustment for the older sibling and a closer relationship for both siblings. Another interesting fact is that your body will still produce colostrum and your newborn will still have all of their nutritional needs met.
• I would imagine, though, that most often American women don’t breastfeed past one year because of the social stigma’s against it. They may not feel ready to wean, they may desire to nurse longer, but they have bought into the cultural advice that they “should not” wean a toddler. They have heard too many people ask them with raised eyebrows, “you’re still nursing?” They have had too many looks and comments and not enough support and encouragement. So, they stop. This makes me really sad. If a mom feels ready to wean, or weaning is the best option for her situation then I can support that, but it makes me sad to think of women who don’t want to stop but feel pressured into it.

There are many reasons to stop nursing and many reasons for extended nursing  - I truly believe that the decision to completely wean a child is intricate and complex.  It is up to each individual family to decide what is best for them and their personal situation. I for one, though, don’t want to stop nursing my child at a year just because it’s “the norm.”

Honestly, I have no idea when I will stop nursing. I just know that right now I don’t want to stop and I don’t think I need to. I know that I would like to nurse until Thaddeus is at least two, as the World Health Organization recommends, but I don’t know where we will be at by then or before then, so who knows. Really I just want to continue nursing for truly as long as it is mutually desirable for both me and my child.

What about you? If you breastfed your child/children when did you wean them and what were your thoughts and reasons for doing so?

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

Resources for Further Reading and References:

• To Wean or Not To Wean
• When to Wean
• AAFP Statement Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy
• Are there Benefits to Extended Breastfeeding?
• The Pros and Cons of Breastfeeding a Toddler
• Comfort in Sick Times
• Extended Nursing: Is it For You?
• Extended Breastfeeding Fact Sheet
• Breastfeeding Basics: Weaning
• Happy and Healthy Baby: Benefits of Extended Breastfeeding
• Why You Don’t Have to Wean & Shouldn’t Feel Guilty About It
• High DHA Foods for Toddlers
• The Human Pacifier: There Seems to Be a Huge Disconnect

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• Some facts about cloth versus disposable diapers.
• Some info about the environmental impact of both disposable and cloth diapers.
• Cost comparisons for different kinds of cloth diapers vs. disposable diapers.
• Info about the different types of cloth diapers.

Today I just want to share with you about my own personal experience with cloth diapers.

Before my son was born my husband and I did our research and decided that we wanted to use cloth diapers. I was excited about using cloth diapers. But, those first few months after my son was born I felt really intimidated by them.

When my son was first born we were in the states staying with family (you can read about my birth story here). At the time I only had two cloth diapers. One of them was a bumGenius One-size all-in-one
and the other was a pocket diaper.  I remember looking at my cloth diapers and feeling totally lost and unsure how to use it. Somehow in the process of suitcases and staying with other people I lost the instructions they had come with. I tried them out a time or two, but I just felt unsure. So, I bought organic disposable diapers. I felt sad about it, but I just didn’t want to deal with figuring out the cloth ones.

When we came back to Prague my dear friend generously gave us all of her old cloth diapers (since they weren’t planning on having any more kids).  The one’s she gave us were fitted cloth diapers with covers. She took time to show me exactly how to use them – she even let me watch her put one on. She also walked me through how to wash them and care for them. It was exactly what I needed. She made it so easy for me. From that point on I was sold! I love my cloth diapers.

I love that I don’t have to spend a fortune on disposables, I love that I don’t have piles of dirty diapers I have to take out to the trash. I love that I’m not filling up the landfills with diapers. I love that I’m just putting natural cloth on my son’s bottom.

So, here are some thoughts about the three different kinds of cloth diapers I’ve tried and what I think about them:

• Fitted diapers with covers: This is what my friend gave us. I actually really like that these ones are sized. We started with the small and now he’s wearing the medium size. I like that because I feel like they actually fit him a little better. They also don’t seem quite as bulky as the other cloth diapers because they are made just for his size. Also, because the diaper and cover are separate it gives me the option to put the diaper on without the cover if I want – which I really like. I’m sure you are asking yourself why I would ever want to have him wear just the diaper and not the cover, so I’ll tell you. I like that when he’s just wearing the diaper I can tell right away when he’s gone to the bathroom which makes it so that I can change him right away. I’ve found this to be helpful when he’s had a diaper rash because he doesn’t stay in the diaper for too long. It also lets me know when he’s going, which helps me to become more in tune with his coos and signals. We have considered ECing, but I’ve never really got up the guts to do it. For me having just the diaper without the cover on him feels like a step towards ECing and I like that. One thing I don’t like as much about these one’s is that you really have to make sure that all of the diaper is tucked inside the cover or it will leak – it’s not that big a deal and definitely isn’t hard to do, but now that Thad is bigger and moving around so much I sometimes miss little bits of the diaper sticking out from the cover and then we end up with leaks.
• Pocket diaper: I like this one a lot too but for different reasons. I feel like these one’s are the least likely to leak – but maybe that’s just in my head, I’ve never really tested it.
• bumGenius All-in-One: Right now this one is my favorite and I would love a few more of these. Now that Thaddeus is mobile and crawling he hates staying still long enough for me to change his diaper. I have often put diapers on him while he’s in a crawling position instead of on his back and the all in one makes doing that so much easier. It doesn’t take as long to just throw this one on him and Velcro it as it does to put a liner in the pocket diaper and then put it on him or as it does to put the diaper on him and then put the cover over it. So, for right now this one is great. I do feel though that when he was littler this one didn’t fit quite as well and was really bulky, but now it seems to be fine.

Questions a reader recently asked me about cloth diapers:

“Did you do all cloth ones or cloth ones with flushable/disposable liner in the middle? Do they have such a thing?”

They do have disposable liners and we have used these some. We didn’t use them at all at first, but I do sometimes use them now. I particularly use them in the mornings since I know that is when Thaddeus will usually have a bowel movement. Using the liner at that time helps minimize the mess a little bit.

As a side note that is sort of related to this but not really, I also use cloth wipes and I LOVE them and have actually found them easier when I’m using cloth diapers. When I’m at home I just keep the cloth wipes in a little bowl with some water and a bit of baking soda and/or salt so they are ready to use when I want them. If we go out I throw a few damp one’s in a zip lock bag and put it in the diaper bag.

“Do you still use regular diapers when you’re out and about so when you change it you can just toss the diaper when you’re not at home?”

I actually use cloth when we go out and it’s not hard at all. You should get what’s known as a wet bag. Basically it’s a zippered bag that has fabric on the outside and a leak proof lining on the inside. You just put your dirty diaper and wipes in the wet bag and then throw it in your diaper bag no worries. The wet bags are also washable so every once in a while, when it seems they need it, you can throw them in the wash as well.

One exception to this is when we are traveling. I use disposable diapers when we travel. It’s just so much easier when you are at hotels and staying at other people’s homes.

“If you use the cloth diapers do you always do a separate laundry load for them? Do the old one just stick around for 3-4 days till you get enough to do a full load?”

Yes, I always wash them in a separate load of laundry. I wash them through a cold rinse without soap (basically as a cold rinse to keep stains from setting to badly) and then wash them through a warm/hot cycle with soap. I usually hang them to dry.
Often I do a load of diapers every third day or so. In the mean time I keep mine in a bucket, although you can also get diapers pails made just for cloth diapers. It’s usually recommended to keep them in some water and a little vinegar to avoid stains from setting into the diapers. The covers for the two piece diapers don’t need to be washed after each use – as long as they are just wet/damp you can just hang them up to dry and use them again. After a few uses they will start to smell a bit and then they should be washed. I wash covers about once a week.
I will say this in addition, cloth diapers are a little messier than disposables, but they aren’t nearly as messy as you may think. Sure, you will have to touch soiled diapers, but all parents end up with their child’s waste on them at some point or another, whether they use cloth diapers or not. You just clean up well and it’s not that big of a deal.

“Do they leak more than the regular diapers?”

Well, yes. I think they do. But, if you change your child regularly then it’s really not a big deal and you don’t really need to worry about leaks at all. I will say though that in the past few weeks I have started to use disposable diapers on my son at night because he will always leak out of the cloth diapers at night. If I put him in a cloth diaper I need to change him three times during the night in order to avoid leaks and that wakes him up a lot and breaks up his sleep which isn’t good. So, I will usually put him in a disposable diaper before bed so that I don’t have to think about it during the night. This has worked really well for us and we will probably continue doing this at least for the time being.
Alright, well, hopefully that is helpful for some of you out there considering cloth diapers. Using cloth diapers is a mixed bag with some pros and some cons, but overall I have never regretted using cloth diapers, I will use them again with future children, and I would highly recommend using cloth diapers to any friend who is pregnant.

What are your thoughts on cloth diapers? Have you used them? What did you think of them? What kinds of cloth diapers were your favorites?

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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