I’m guessing that many of you have read this book as it is a very popular children’s story, but if you haven’t here is a short recap of the story from Amazon:

“In Shel Silverstein’s popular tale of few words and simple line drawings, a tree starts out as a leafy playground, shade provider, and apple bearer for a rambunctious little boy. Making the boy happy makes the tree happy, but with time it becomes more challenging for the generous tree to meet his needs. When he asks for money, she suggests that he sell her apples. When he asks for a house, she offers her branches for lumber. When the boy is old, too old and sad to play in the tree, he asks the tree for a boat. She suggests that he cut her down to a stump so he can craft a boat out of her trunk. He unthinkingly does it. At this point in the story, the double-page spread shows a pathetic solitary stump, poignantly cut down to the heart the boy once carved into the tree as a child that said “M.E. + T.” “And then the tree was happy… but not really.” When there’s nothing left of her, the boy returns again as an old man, needing a quiet place to sit and rest. The stump offers up her services, and he sits on it. “And the tree was happy.”

Ok, so I have always thought that this story was a great example of selflessness and generous giving, but as I read it again as an adult I found a whole different story within it and it was honestly unsettling.

Let’s talk about the boy first. The little boy, who grows into an old man through the course of the story, is definitely not someone I want my son to be like. He’s selfish and an incessant consumer. He takes, and takes and takes. He knows the tree loves him and he uses that love to his own advantage to get what he wants. He has no thought for the destructive force of his actions. I do not want my son to manipulate others love for him in the way this boy did. I don’t want him to selfishly walk all over people the way this little boy did. I don’t want him to endlessly consume from others and from the natural resources around him the way this little boy did with no thought of consequences. The boy is not a character I want my son to emulate.

So, how about the tree? When I was younger I felt that the tree was the real hero in the story, the character that should be emulated. I thought the tree’s selfless giving was beautiful and fulfilling, but now I see a different story and a different side of things. It’s true the tree is selfless and giving, generous and loving and these are all characteristics that I want my son to have and strive after. But, as I read the story this time, I felt uncomfortable with the tree’s giving. It seemed unhealthy. The relationship that the tree has with the boy seems abusive and the tree seems to be victimized in the story. The tree allows herself to be walked all over and taken advantage of time and time again. As I read it I felt uncomfortable with the way that the tree enabled and sustained the little boys consumption and selfishness. I do want my son to be giving, I do want him to pour himself out on behalf of others and love others generously, but I do not want my son to become as weak as this tree and allow himself to be abused and taken advantage of like that. As I look more closely at this story I don’t think that the tree is really worthy of emulating either.

I think the story actually shows us how messed up two good things can become in a relationship. Here’s what I mean… Giving selflessly to another is incredibly beautiful and valuable. And I personally also believe that allowing ourselves to accept and receive and take from another what they freely offer us is also incredibly beautiful and valuable. Relationships need and should have both these things. We should be able to give freely and receive freely in relationships. But, I think there needs to be balance. The problem comes when the balance is lost and it becomes all giving or all taking – it’s then that the relationship can become unhealthy like that of the little boy and the tree. At least that’s what I think at this stage in my life as I read this story. Anyone else have any other thoughts on this classic children’s book??

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany

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Today I finished reading Outliersby Malcolm Gladwell. I really enjoyed this book and would definitely recommend it. I have really enjoyed all of Gladwell’s books (The Tipping Pointand Blink) and find his writing style to be clear and intriguing and his topics to be highly interesting.

This book is about “The Story of Success” – basically he talks about how many of the things that we think make people successful aren’t necessarily the whole story. He argues that much of what makes someone successful are the opportunities they are given and the culture they are born into. He writes:

“People don’t rise from nothing. We do owe something to parentage and patronage. The people who stand before kings may look like they did it all by themselves. But in fact they are invariably the beneficiaries of hidden advantages and extraordinary opportunities and cultural legacies that allow them to learn and work hard and make sense of the world in ways others cannot. It makes a difference where and when we grew up. The culture we belong to and the legacies passed down by our forebears shape the patterns of our achievement in ways we cannot begin to imagine. It’s not enough to ask what successful people are like, in other words. It is only by asking where they are from that we can unravel the logic behind who succeeds and who doesn’t.”

This is not a book to help you learn how you can pull yourself up by the boot straps and be successful. It’s much broader and bigger than that. It’s more about how we as a larger group of people can understand success culturally and instead of blocking success for people can extend the boundaries and give more opportunities for more people to be successful.

“The lesson here is very simple. But it is striking how often it is overlooked. We are so caught in the myths of the best and the brightest and the self-made that we think outliers spring naturally from the earth. We look at the young Bill Gates and marvel that our world allowed that thirteen-year-old unlimited access to a time-sharing terminal in 1968. If a million teenagers had been given the same opportunity, how many more Microsoft’s would we have today? To build a better world we need to replace the patchwork of lucky breaks and arbitrary advantages that today determine success – the fortunate birth dates and the happy accidents of history – with a society that provides opportunities for all. If Canada had a second hockey league for those children born in the last half of the year, it would today have twice as many adult hockey stars. Now multiply that sudden flowering of talent by every field and profession. The world could be so much richer than the world we have settled for.”

I found this book to be incredibly intriguing and I encourage you to read it as well.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany

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Ok, so I’m going to admit it… I’ve been sucked into the Edward and Bella vampire hysteria. Well, maybe not hysteria. But, in the past week I read all four of the Twilight series books and I have to admit I really liked them (clearly if I read all of them in a week I more than liked them, but I’m trying to not to sound too ridiculous or fanatical). Hehe.

So, if you know anything about me you know that I love stories. I enjoy reading non-fiction books, I can enjoy watching stand up comedy occasionally, and I do enjoy shows like John Stewart and Steven Colbert, but none of those forms of entertainment can really capture my attention and after a while they bore me. But, stories… that’s another story. I get caught up in stories. You could even say that I get a little bit addicted to stories. Not too long ago I was so wrapped up in a show that Bryan and I were watching that I started hyperventilating when one of the characters died – seriously, no exaggeration – hyperventilating. I know, pathetic, right?

Anyway, Twilight and the books that followed didn’t cause me to hyperventilate or anything, but they did sweep me away into another world for a time and any story that does that get’s my recommendation. I can’t say that Twilight was really an exquisite piece of literary work or anything, but I can say that it was well written, in a fun and relatable tone that made it a enchanting account of young love, desire, temptation, heart break, free will, choice, good vs. evil and the sometimes not so clear distinctions between the two.

Maybe part of why I loved it wasn’t just that it was an appealing story, but also because secretly (or maybe not so secretly) I really love stories about magic and myths and all that. I was first introduced to magic and fantasy and fairy tales through George MacDonald and JRR Tolkien when I was probably no more than 7 and I’ve loved anything having to do with that sort of thing ever since. I’ve always been intrigued by stories of fairies, and elves, and witches, and dwarves, and goblins, and vampires and even aliens. As proven by many of my book choices throughout the years, and the many hours I’ve spent watching Star Trek with my dad, and X-files with friends, and vampire movies with my brother, and on and on. Yes, I admit it, I’m really a geek.

I think some of why I liked that sort of story was that I grew up in a modern scientific age, and a modern church – there was very little mystery, mysticism, or ritual in my normal life, but I always knew that there was something “other” in the world, that not everything could be explained clearly and concisely and I longed for that which was “other” and mysterious. What’s someone who’s a bit of a mystic at heart to do in an age where mysticism is generally shunned?? Turn to good fantasy stories, what else? Hehe.

So, if you like me, are intrigued by magic, myths, superstitions, fairy tales, and the paranormal… or if you just take a little guilty pleasure in sappy romance at times… then I recommend that you check out Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn – the story of a girl and a vampire who fall in love and the drama that follows.

On a side note, it’s pretty impressive that Twilight was the author, Stephenie Meyer’s first book. She started writing it in 2003 after having a dream about the idea. Now just a few years later she has four books that are top sellers and a movie made from the first book – pretty impressive.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

PS – Alan Knox has an interesting post about Twilight here.

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I just finished reading The Shack by William P. Young

When I started reading The Shack I was on an airplane nearing Prague, I felt excited and joyful. I read the foreword and the first chapter of the book and knew right away that I couldn’t continue. I was getting choked up already.

I picked it up again about 2 days ago and continued reading knowing a little more of what I was getting into this time. This second time I picked it up I really struggled with it. The writing style felt a little clunking (which is understandable since this is the authors first book), but really the sometimes awkwardness of the writing just added to the rawness of the story. It felt painful to read – the hurt was so raw and real. Then God showed up and I could feel myself really fighting the picture of intimate love that the author used to portray God – I found myself asking what about justice? What about wrath? What about holiness? And otherness? And an appropriate distance between the God who is other and sinful creation? But, slowly I was drawn in… I was touched and moved, often to tears, at the picture of God I saw here.

I am still processing this book. I’m not really sure what I thought of some parts of it, but I know that overall it really touched me. I would be very curious to know what others thought of this book. If you’ve read it please feel free to tell me about your thoughts on it and your experience with it in the comments.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Beth Stedman

A lot of other people are writing about this book. Here are a few other reviews of the book that you might find interesting:

Here is a review about the Shack which I thought made some great points and raised some good concerns.

Mark Peterson wrote his thoughts on The Shack here and here.

There’s a review on Promomusings here with a lot of interesting comments as well.

Andrew Jones writes his thoughts about the book here.

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Today I went to coffee with Carrie and we talked about Middlemarch . I keep thinking about this book – it is really one of the best books I’ve ever read and I think it will stay with me in my thoughts often for years to come. Today we were talking about the end of the book and the overall story and we talked a little bit about the contrast between some of the characters. I started thinking about this a little more and I had some interesting thoughts… all of the main characters where broken in some way – their lives weren’t what they thought, there’s spouses weren’t who they thought they were, their dreams where broken, and their relationships were broken in some way… but they each responded to that brokenness in VERY different ways – some choose to humble themselves and seek reconciliation, to confess their sins and hearts, some choose to set aside their own struggles and disappointments and instead work for someone else’s good – to help someone else. But, others choose to hold onto their pride and hid from others and fight to get their own way and protect themselves instead of someone else. Each struggled with their choice, each had their own inner dialogue about how they would respond to the disappointments and injustices in their lives as well as the outright sin in their lives, but they didn’t all come to the same conclusions. The human soul is indeed capable of great goodness and selflessness, but it is also capable of great ugliness and sin and sometimes the difference between the two comes down to simple daily chooses.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys

It was interesting to me too that each characters decision to either embrace their selfishness and pride or give it up on behalf of another affected each other character. Our actions are never truly independent of each other – our lives are interwoven. We have the capability to break those around us or to build them up. We have the ability to influence the lives of the people around us in profound ways by simply being there for each other, listening to each other, believing in and trusting each other.
There is one character in the book who starts out with these grand desires to do some great good in the world, but at least according to her original desires she never really does. But, in simply being herself, humble and open and willing to help those around her, she ends up having a profound influence on those around her perhaps without even realizing it. That is encouraging for me. We are fragile creatures and we do easily hurt and break each other, but we can also do much to mend and repair the brokenness in each other’s lives.

“Who that cares much to know the history of man, and how the mysterious mixtures behaves under the varying experiment of Time, has not dwelt, at least briefly, on the life of Saint Theresa, has not smiled with some gentleness at the thought of the little girl walking forth one morning hand-in-hand with her still smaller brother, to go and seek martyrdom in the country of the Moors? … The child pilgrimage was a fit beginning. Theresa’s passionate, ideal nature demanded an epic life: what were many-volumed romances of chivalry and the social conquests of a brilliant girl to her? Her flame quickly burned up that light fuel; and, fed from within, soared after some illimitable satisfaction, some object which would never justify weariness, which would reconcile self-despair with the rapturous consciousness of life beyond self… That Spanish woman who lived three hundred years ago was certainly not the last of her kind. Many Theresas have been born who found for themselves no epic life wherin there was a constant unfolding of far-resonant action… With dim lights and tangled circumstances they tried to shape their thought and deed in noble agreement; but after all, to common eyes their struggles seemed mere inconsistency and formlessness…Their ardour alternated between a vague ideal and the common yearning of womanhood; so that the one was disapproved as extravagance, and the other condemned as a lapse… Here and there is born a Saint Theresa, foundress of nothing, whose loving heart-beats and sobs after an unattained goodness tremble off and are dispersed among hindrances, instead of centering in some long-recognisable deed.”
“Certainly those determining acts of her life were not ideally beautiful. They were the mixed result of young and noble impulse struggling amidst the conditions of an imperfect social state, in which great feelings will often take the aspect of error, and great faith the aspect of illusion. For there is no creature whose inward being is so strong that it is not greatly determined by what lies outside it… we insignificant people with our daily words and acts are preparing the lives of many Dorotheas, some of which may present a far sadder sacrifice than that of the Dorothea whose story we know. Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effort of her being on those around her was incalculable diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.”

 Rejoicing in the journey -
Beth Stedman

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Tonight we talked about the book Snow Flower and the Secret Fan. At its heart it is a book about friendship and love and all the messiness that can come from each of our desperate (often selfish) desire to be loved and approved of. Even in those rare moments when we are selfless in our love and affection for another human being it’s still messy because no matter what we are separate from each other, we carry our own baggage into the relationship and so does the other person, we will misunderstand each other and read into things that which is not there – and this book really shows that messy side of friendship very clearly.

As we talked about the book tonight I was reminded and brought back to our conversation on Sunday…. A few Sundays ago we started doing something as a church community called storying – basically the idea is that we work through the stories of scripture chronologically reading the story and then retelling the story as a community and then dialoguing about the story and what we see in it. The only rules are that we can’t talk about or bring into the discussion things we may know (or think we know) about the future of the story or the characters – we can only talk about what’s there in the story and what we know from that little glimpse of events (we can also bring into it past stories but not the future). (For more information on storying). It sounds like a really simple activity and at first I have to say I wasn’t so sure about it but it has been an amazing experience the past few weeks as we’ve discussed the creation story and the story of the fall. The group comes from different cultures and different backgrounds and they bring different view points and insights to the story but I think what I’ve loved the most is that it’s hasn’t been clean and clear cut – the discussion is messy at times and we often end the discussion with a lot of questions still remaining. People haven’t tried to read things into the text really, we’ve just accepted it and talked about it and what struggles we have with it. It’s been a beautiful thing to struggle through scripture together as a community and allow each other to rejoice and be encouraged by what we learn about God and ourselves through the stories and also allow ourselves to struggle with the things we don’t understand about God or humanity. Anyway…. Last Sunday we talked about the fall and really delved into the story of Adam and Eve’s disobedience and the story of all of our disobedience and turning away from God. We talked a lot about the immediate effects that Adam and Eve’s decision had on their relationship with each other and with God – they felt fear and shame and they hid (from each other in putting on leaves to cover themselves and then from God in hiding in the bushes). And someone made the comment that maybe they felt shame because for the first time they had the ability to judge and be judged – up until this point only God had judged, only God had said if something was good or not good – but now Adam and Eve have the knowledge of good and evil, they have the knowledge of what is good and what is not good and they know that they are vulnerable to judgment from each other and from God. And almost instantly they do begin to judge themselves (they realized they were naked and that was not good so they covered themselves) and each other (Adam judged Eve [and God] by blaming her and Eve judged and blamed the snake). And isn’t that what we all do so often in relationships – we fear that we will be judged, we feel shame knowing that in many ways we deserve that judgment and we are capable of evil, capable of the not good, and so we hide from each other and we hide from God and then we blame each other and judge each other in an attempt to avoid and hide our own guilt and vulnerability. Love and relationships were forever changed – gone were the days of naked, honesty without shame.

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan shows that instinct to hide for fear of judgment and that quickness to judge the other to avoid our own guilt through a story that is captivatingly set in a time period of great struggle and brutality. But, really even in a very different setting and time period it is relatable – love and friendship is messy.

But there is encouragement… relationships are messy, but God is gracious. I find encouragement knowing that through Christ’s life and death and resurrection and the coming of the Holy Spirit to work in us and through us God restores our relationship with Him and with each other. Does that mean that love isn’t messy anymore? By all means, NO! But, He does give us the strength to strive for a more selfless honesty and openness in our relationship with Him and with one another – He has taken way the fear of guilt – He has declared us righteous and loved and beautiful – He has shown us the way of love through His perfect example and He gives us the ability to walk by His grace in the way of love as well. And we can now look forward with hope and joy to that day when we will be perfectly united with Him and with each who journeys towards Him.

Beauty of friendship grow between us
Friendship;
without guile
without malice
without striving
Goodness of friendship grow between us
Friendship;
with light
with wings
with soul sharing
Be the eye of each friend
of my journey
to bless and teach each one
The eye of the Father be upon us
The eye of the Son be upon us
The eye of the Spirit be upon us
The eye of the Friendly Three
be upon us forever. Amen.
- Celtic prayer of friendship, author unknown

Rejoicing in the journey –

Beth Stedman

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I’ve recently been re-listening to some lectures by my old college professor Dr. Burch and yesterday listened to one where he spent a great deal of time talking about St. Patrick and the Irish and Celtic Christianity. He recommended the book How the Irish Saved Civilization by Thomas Cahill and it reminded me of what a wonderful book it is. It is not really a history book at all even though it talks much of history – he takes a very narrative approach in the retelling and makes everything very understandable and relatable. Some have argued that he doesn’t back up his fact well and that it isn’t really a scholarly work but I don’t think it was meant to be a scholarly work really – and though there may be a few things he doesn’t mention and he may have a very Western Empire centered view (he barely mentions Byzantium or the fact that the Eastern Empire survived the fall of Rome and maintained a very learned and civilized culture throughout the “dark ages”). However I think it is a wonderful book and I think it also has some jewels of application and wisdom for today as well. I highly recommend it.

Anyway, I got thinking about this book again and went back to my quote book and read some of the quotes that I had pulled from the book…two in particular struck me anew and I thought I would share them:

“Irish generosity extended not only to a variety of people but to a variety of ideas. As unconcerned about orthodoxy of thought as they were about uniformity of monastic practice, they brought into their libraries everything they could lay their hands on. They were resolved to shut out nothing. Not for them the scruples of Saint Jerome, who feared he might burn in hell for reading Cicero. Once they had learned to read the Gospels and the other books of the Holy Bible, the lives of the martyrs and ascetics, and the sermons and commentaries of the fathers of the church, they began to devour all of the old Greek and Latin pagan literature that came their way. In their unrestrained catholicity, they shocked conventional churchmen, who had been trained to value Christian literature principally and give a wide berth to the dubious morality of the pagan classics…It was not that the Irish were uncritical, just that they saw no value in self-imposed censorship. They could have said with Terence, ‘Homo sum: humani nil a me alienum puto’ (‘I am a human being, so nothing human is strange to me’).” – How the Irish Saved Civilization by Thomas Cahill

“The Irish also developed a form of confession that was exclusively private and that had no equivalent on the continent. In the ancient church, confession of one’s sins – and the subsequent penance (such as appearing for years by the church door in sackcloth and ashes) – had always been public. Sin was thought to be a public matter, a crime against the church, which was the Mystical Body of Christ. Some sins were even considered unforgivable, and the forgivable ones could be forgiven only once. Penance was a once-in-a-lifetime sacrament: a second theft, a second adultery and you were ‘outside the church,’ irreversibly excommunicated, headed for damnation…The Irish innovation was to make all confession a completely private affair between penitent and priest – and to make it as repeatable as necessary. (In fact, repetition was encouraged on the theory that, oh well, everyone pretty much sinned just about all the time.) This adaptation did away with public humiliation out of tenderness for the sinner’s feelings, and softened the unyielding penances of the patristic period so that the sinner would not lose heart. But it also emphasized the Irish sense that personal conscience took precedence over public opinion or church authority. The penitent was not labeled by others; he labeled himself. His sin was no one’s business but God’s. Though one’s confession was made to a human being, he or she was chosen by the penitent for qualities of true priestliness – holiness, wisdom, generosity, loyalty, and courage. No one could ever pry knowledge gained in confession from such a priest, who knew that every confession was sealed forever by God himself. To break that seal was to imperil one’s salvation: it was practically the only sin the Irish considered unforgivable. So one did not necessarily choose one’s ‘priest’ from among ordained professionals: the act of confession was too personal and too important for such a limitation. One looked for an anmchara, a soul-friend, someone to be trusted over a whole lifetime. Thus, the oft-found saying ‘Anyone without a soul-friend is like a body without a head,’ which dates from pagan times. The druids, not the monks, had been the first soul-friends.” – How the Irish Saved Civilization by Thomas Cahill

Rejoicing in the journey -
Beth Stedman

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Have you ever read a book and just known as you were reading it that it was going to be fundamental in shaping how you think…that you wouldn’t be able to look at the world the same after reading it or that you at least wouldn’t be able to use the same language to describe the world that you used before? In my life there have been a handful of books like that and I recently finished one that fits in that category. It’s called The Search to Belong: Rethinking Intimacy, Community, and Small Groups and it’s by Joseph Myers.

I first heard about this book about 4 years ago when I was living with David and Tara Malouf. David was reading it at the time and I remember him talking to me about it (I now realize as well that some of the “Tuesday night” dialogue was at least partly inspired by the book especially the front porch conversation which struck me enough at the time that I wrote a little short story about it, which I will maybe share here later…?) Anyway, I remember one conversation in particular with David about the book and I remember it frustrated me, I didn’t agree with what David was saying the book said and I remember sort of brushing the concepts aside as unsubstantial and even un-true at least in my life. Funny, actually, now I realize that really I was just showing my own prejudice for personal/intimate space in my inability to accept that people should and could stay in other spaces – I am uncomfortable and don’t do as well in public/social space and so everyone else must be too – I want all of my relationships to become personal space relationships and so everyone else must too – I was at a stage in my life where I needed more personal space relationship then I had and so everyone else must need them too – I don’t think I need to point out my flawed logic at the time.

Anyway, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself and instead of babbling on about my thoughts on the book prior to reading it or continuing on to my thoughts on the book since reading it maybe I should take a minute to tell you all what the book is about. Ok, so I guess we’ll start at the beginning.

The book caught my attention almost right away with Myers chapter on the myths of belonging. He points out a number of things that society/the church says equals belonging but he argues doesn’t always equal belonging:
More time = more belonging
More commitment = more belonging
More purpose = more belonging
More personality = more belonging
More proximity = more belonging
More small groups = more belonging
He basically argues that these assumptions are just that assumptions and they aren’t always true in every case. This was a bit frustrating for me because many of these were things that I subscribed to and believed (or at least thought I did). But, as I read through his examples of times when people feel belonging without those things being present or when they don’t feel belonging when they are present I started to think that maybe he had a point. So, now I was tracking with him and curious…if those things that we normally equate with belonging don’t equal belonging then what does? How and when do people feel significant experiences of belonging?

The rest of the book expands on the idea that people can experience belonging in different ways and in different “spaces” and we should allow people to experience belonging with us/our church in the space and way that they feel comfortable. He basically uses Edward T. Hall’s theory on relational space to describe the way people connect to each other in different spaces – public, social, personal or intimate.

Public Space = “Public space belonging occurs when people connect through an outside influence.” For example sports fans experience belonging together because of the team but they may not know each other’s names and they don’t need to, it is a distant belonging (according to Hall people in Public space generally stand 12+ feet apart from each other) but it is still a significant sense of belonging in people’s lives.

Social Space = “Social belonging occurs when we share ‘snapshots’ of what it would be like to be in personal space with us… You belong socially to your favorite bank teller, your pharmacist, or some of the people with whom you work.” This is the space that I have the most trouble with. It’s the small talk, “first impression” space and it’s the one I have had a tendency to devalue in the past as being shallow or insignificant. But, after reading this book one thing that really stood out was the significance and importance of social space. “Social belonging is important for two reasons. First, it provides the space for ‘neighbor’ relationships. A neighbor is someone you know well enough to ask (or provide) small favors. Second, it is important because it provides a safe ‘selection space or sorting space’ for those with whom you would like to develop a ‘deeper’ relationship.”

Personal Space = “Through personal belonging, we share private (not ‘naked’) experiences, feelings, and thoughts. We call the people we connect to in this space ‘close friends.’ They are those who know more about us than an acquaintance would, yet not so much that they feel uncomfortable.” This is the space I think I am most comfortable in and it is generally the space where I want to keep all of my relationships (we will get to why that’s a bad thing in a minute).

Intimate Space = “In intimate belonging we share ‘naked’ experiences, feelings, and thoughts… These people know the ‘naked truth’ about us and the two of us are not ‘ashamed’.” I think I like the idea of intimate space relationships but I’m not as comfortable in intimate space as I am in personal space.

Ok, so now that you are caught up a little bit on the language of the book I want to share the thoughts that really struck me and challenged me and influenced me from this book:

1.       In order to feel a healthy sense of belonging you need more public space connections than social space connections, more social space connections than personal space connections, and more personal space connections that intimate space connections (you should in fact have very few intimate space connections). This makes sense but is hard for me. Like I’ve said before I tend to devalue public and social space connections but according to the author I need even more connections in these spaces then in the other spaces in order to feel a healthy sense of belonging. I have a hard time with this but as I started looking over my life in the past few years this started to make more sense. There have been a few times in the last 10 years that I have felt significant belonging – one was High School, and interestingly though I often describe high school as a time of having a lot of really close friends as I started to look at it more I realized that yes I did have a good handful of close friends but I also had a rather large circle of social connections and public connections. In High School I experienced a sense of public belonging with my whole school at large (I was a big fan of my school and very involved in a number of activities that gave a sense of public belonging). I also experienced a sense of social belonging with all of the people in my class – I knew the names of everyone in my class could hold short conversations with most of them giving them “snapshots” of who I am and I could easily have asked any of them for a favor or have offered to help any of them – they were my neighbors. I also had quite a few select people from our class that I connected with in personal space. And then I had one or two “best friends” who I would sometimes experience intimate space with, sharing raw glimpses of who I was. In college all that changed and for a while I had some public connections and a very few personal space connections but no intimate space connections and no social space connections and I felt lost and disconnected and a lack of belonging. Then for a while in college I moved back home and things started to be more balanced, probably being the most balanced during the time when we were doing Tuesday Nights at David and Tara’s – interestingly Tuesday night added a lot more social space connections to my life and I think that really helped. There were people there that though I would have liked to have gotten to know them in a more personal space we never really got the chance and it stayed a more social space connection and at the time I was frustrated with that sometimes but now I am starting to believe that it was a really healthy thing for those relationships to stay in social space – although there are a few people from that group who continue to fascinate me and I do sometimes feel a sense of regret that we didn’t get to know each other better – but it seems that it was exactly what I needed at that time. Then when I moved to Seattle things got really off balance again but this time in a different direction – suddenly I had an appropriate amount of intimate belonging (1 person, who would soon become my husband) and a LOT of social connections but nothing that I really connected to or belonged to in a public space and no one that I really connected to or belonged to in a personal space at least not for any length of time or in any sustainable way. Really I think that the imbalance in my sense of belonging was largely responsible for my desire to move here to Prague and start over again. And thanks to God’s blessing, I really do feel that this move to Prague has restored some healthy balance to my relational spaces. I feel like I have more sense of belonging then I have since high school – I have a lot of social space connections, a few personal space connections, and an even smaller (1 or 2) intimate space connections.

2.       Another interesting thing from the book was the point that even though relationships may have a certain relational space that they tend to be in NO relationship stays in one space 100% of the time – every relationship moves through the various spaces. This was one of the most interesting and revealing and freeing realizations in the book for me. Knowing that every relationship moves gives me freedom to relax in my relationship and just let them be. I think it was especially freeing to realize that Bryan and I are not always going to connect in intimate space – sometimes we will – but sometimes it’s ok for us to just connect publicly and watch a movie together and have side-by-side time together and other times it’s ok for us to connect socially and just talk small talk about our activities for the day or what happened at work. To realize and admit that our relationship will sometimes not be intimate is so freeing because now when those times come when I don’t feel intimately connected with Bryan I don’t have to feel like it’s wrong, or like it’s my fault and I’ve done something wrong, or like I have to scramble and pull and force our relationship to be intimate right away – I can realize that it is natural and normal and even healthy to have moments when we connect in other spaces and I can relax and just connect to Bryan in whatever space is appropriate and needed at that time. This was a wonderful realization, but not as wonderful as the realization that followed… if all relationships fluctuate between the different spaces doesn’t it make sense that our relationship with God would fluctuate between the different spaces as well? WOW, seriously, I think that was the most freeing realization I’ve had in my relationship with God in a long time. I think often in my life I have thought that I had to always have this intimate, naked, raw, relationship with God – I had to be experiencing His presence in an intimate way or something was wrong. If I wasn’t feeling God’s presence, if I didn’t feel really close to him, if I wasn’t having this intimate connection with him, then I was doing something wrong – maybe I wasn’t making enough time for him, or I wasn’t praying enough, or reading my Bible enough, or there was some sin in my life that was blocking me from him, or something. There have been so many times in my life when I didn’t experience God intimately and I would rack my brain trying to figure out why – what was I doing wrong? Was there some sin in my life that was keeping me from him? No, I don’t think so. Was I not praying? No, I was praying regularly. Was I not reading my Bible? No, I was reading my Bible regularly. I would start to feel so guilty (not a new feeling for me, guilt is something I feel often enough already). To realize that it is ok to relate to God in different ways at different times in my life and that it was ok to sometimes not feel intimate with God and to sometimes connect with him in a more social or public sphere was an infinitely freeing thought and one that I’m still processing. What does it look like to connect and belong to God publicly? What does it look like connect and belong to God socially? I think that the church in the last few decades has focused a lot on connecting to God personally and intimately and I think I know a bit what it looks like to connect and belong to God in those spaces but I’m curious what it would look like to belong to God in the other two spaces. I did have one experience recently that felt very much like a public/social space belonging to God – Bryan and I went to Midnight mass at an Anglican church on Christmas eve and they did a lot of corporate readings and corporate prayers from the book of common prayer and there was something really beautiful about standing side by side with a bunch of other people all saying the same prayer outloud together. It wasn’t personal – I wasn’t making up the words, it might not have even been what I would have personally chosen to pray right then, but just because it was corporate and more social/public space doesn’t make it any less valuable – in fact it felt incredibly refreshing to me and I think I felt more of a sense of belonging to God in that moment then I had in a long while.

3.       Another thing that struck me in the book was something closely related to the previous point… ok, so we now know that it is natural for relationships to move from one space to another and to not always remain in the same relational space, but why do relationships move from one space to another? Myers gives three reasons why a relationship might move spaces – though I don’t think it is an exhaustive list of reasons I think they are good points and maybe the most common reasons relationships move spaces. The firsts is that the environment has changed. Myers points out that “our spatial environments are in constant flux” and that environmental changes often necessitate movement in relationships. He gives the example of summer camp – you go away to camp and the activities and close quarters and environment is very conducive to developing relationships – you meet a lot of people some of whom you feel a closer connection with and due to the nature of the environment you quickly move them into personal space friendships, but then you go home and no matter how many good intentions you have of keeping in touch something changes when you get home – you have other friends, a different environment and inevitably your camp friends get moved back into social or even public space relationships. This made a lot of sense to me – having moved a lot in my life I know that when you move and change environments it is incredibly difficult to stay in the same personal/intimate space relationship you previously had in the old environments. Even though it is getting easier with technology to stay close with people who are far away and stay friends it is still very difficult to stay in the same close relational space that you previously shared with someone. Changing environment denote changing relationships. And that’s OK! The second reason he gives for relationships changing spaces is to protect ourselves and others. Sometimes a relationship that has been in intimate or personal space can become toxic or unhealthy and it is necessary to distance yourself a little bit from the other person. He talks about how when he and his wife got married one of her friends would completely ignore him, this friend didn’t treat him well and so his wife soon distanced herself from that friendship moving it to a more social space. He also talks about how having a friend that is constantly talking about a third person negatively can be really dangerous and once realized it might be necessary to move that friendship to a safer more social space.  The third reason he gives for relationships moving spaces is to sustain harmony – basically there needs to be balance among the spaces and when there isn’t it may become necessary to move someone to a new space. His theory is that in order to have balance among the spaces they should roughly follow the formula Pu₈S₄P₂I – “When we move someone from one space to a space that is already ‘full,’ we frequently move someone who was formerly occupied that space to another space. Many times this is only for a moment; other times for a week or month. And there are times when we move someone into a new space and keep him or her in this new space for longer periods of time.” This third one made a lot of sense to me – there have definitely been times in my life when I had my “fill” of personal space connections or even my fill of social space connections and intimate space connections. One example that comes to mind is that in High school I experienced a great deal of belonging from my school connections many people in my church youth group used to urge me to get more involved in youth group – to connect more there but I just never felt like I could – looking back I was full relationally and didn’t need to belong on a closer level to the youth group. Another example of this from my own life is that when Bryan and I started dating and got married, before this I had one friend in particular who I would say I had an intimate space relationship with and when Bryan and I got married and developed an intimate space relationship I moved this other friend out of my intimate space and into a more personal/social space. It is interesting to note when talking about how and why relationships change spaces that sometimes the change creates tension in relationships. When we try to move someone to a space that they aren’t comfortable with or don’t want to move to the result can be frustration and even conflict. When someone tries to get closer to you then you are comfortable with that can feel threatening and cause tension. Or when someone who you once were close to moves you to a more social space that can be a transition that is filled with tension and hurt feelings. I think it was good for me to recognize that it’s not all about me and my needs – sometimes it’s about the needs of the other person – it may hurt my feelings that they aren’t as close to me as they used to be but I have to recognize that it doesn’t necessarily mean that we won’t be close again at some other point or that they don’t like me, they might just be in a new environment and be making new friends and need to move me for a time so that they can develop their current relationships. One thing the book tried to communicate over and over again is the importance of letting people belong to us in the space that feels healthiest and most natural for them. We shouldn’t try to force people to be closer to us then they want to be. And the church shouldn’t try to force people to be in intimate space relationship with them, it should let people belong in the space that fits their needs. I thought this was a really interesting and freeing idea.

Anyway, the book definitely gave me a language to describe various situations in my life past and present and I think it will be something that sticks with me for a while to come. It also was a really freeing book for me – for me it sort of became a book about letting go of relational guilt – allowing myself to belong and connect in the ways that feel appropriate to me – allowing others to belong and connect in the ways that feel appropriate to them. Relaxing and letting my relationships fluctuate between the spaces without force or manipulation. It was a book that made me think and challenged me but it also made me sit back and just take a deep breath and let myself and others just BE.

If any of you made it to the end of this I’m proud of you…sorry it got so long. Thanks for letting me share the thoughts bouncing around in my head.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Beth Stedman

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