“There are only two feelings
Love and fear
There are only two languages
Love and fear
There are only two activities
Love and fear
There are only two motives,
two procedures, two frameworks,
two results.
Love and fear
Love and fear.”

As soon as I read this I had this picture in my head of love and fear dancing together. I thought about the Christian life as being a journey from fear to love. There’s a long phase of the journey where love hasn’t totally conquered fear yet, and so they dance together for a while. Sometimes love leads, and sometimes fear leads, but hopefully over the course of the journey love leads more and more often until one day fear is completely transformed and Love is all there is. I’ve been sitting with this picture all day.

Here’s a little something I wrote in response to all these thoughts:

Lord, I reach out to you in my darkness and there is fear.

I speak to you in my pain and there is fear.

In me is fear, around me is fear, from me is fear.

I am fear.

But, Lord, you reach out to me in my darkness and there is love.

You speak to me in my pain and there is love.

In you is love, around you is love, from you is love.

You are love.

Perfect love drives out all fear.

You come

And your love begins to dance with my fear.

And slowly, ever so slowly

Fear is driven out by love’s dance.

And you begin to whisper,

“Come, and do likewise!

Reach out your hand in love towards those in darkness

Speak out in love towards those in pain

Drive out fear from all places where it has made its home.

Be love to the other, as I have been love to you.”

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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It seemed that suddenly I was flooded with all the many things that are currently going on in my life and the lives of those around me that I could worry about. As the many potential worries came at my mind and heart, waves of anxiety started to build. I rolled over trying to shut the thoughts out of my head. I tried to pray for myself and those I love, but it seemed everything came at me so fast and I didn’t know where to even beginning. Soon I was sitting up staring into the darkness, feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. In that moment some words came to me, “Which of you by worrying can add a single hair to your head?… Oh, you of little faith.”

What does it mean to trust God in the midst of deep uncertainties and potential devastations? What does it look like to really have faith? How do we stop from spending our days in needless worry that gets us nowhere and does us no good?

I clearly don’t know the answers to these questions as my experience last night shows. But, as I lay there I started to see how truly pointless my worrying was. What did it gain me? It gained me nothing but more worry and anxiety. Then I began to think through each of the situations that were causing me stress. Not a single one of them was something that was in my control or something I could do anything about. I guess that’s why they caused me to worry so much in the first place – if I felt that I could do something about them then I would feel some release of anxiety because I would feel in control over them. But, the truly scary things in life are those things that we have absolutely no control over. So, maybe the act of trusting, the act of letting go of our worries and anxieties is really the act of acknowledging and accepting and surrendering to our ultimate lack of control.

That’s what I worked on last night… letting go. Recognizing my lack of control and accepting that someone far more gracious and loving than me is in control and I could rest in that. I didn’t totally figure it out, but I’m trying.

This morning I opened the Celtic Book of Daily Prayer and came across this section which seemed very applicable:

“Christ of the mysteries, can I trust You
to be stronger than each storm in me?

… I determine amidst all uncertainty
always to trust.

I believe You will make a way for me
and provide for me,
if only I trust You
and obey.

I will trust in the darkness and know
that my times are still in Your hand.”

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Anyway, I went to coffee feeling really drained and tired. I went feeling physically unwell as well as emotionally unwell and I left feeling refreshed.

We talked about a lot of things, but mainly we talked about fear. I shared with Sarah the deep fear that I have right now around some of the decisions that I need to make. We talked about the part of me that plays the role of protector and follows fear as a way of protecting me from hurt and failure and rejection. We talked about accepting that protector side of me and acknowledging it without giving it an overly dominant and controlling voice in my life. We talked about whether I want to follow fear or not. We talked about a lot of things.

I went home feeling refreshed and hopeful. I still felt the uncertainty in my life, but I felt like I could look at that uncertainty and look at the fear and say, “This is true, I am scared, I am uncertain, but it’s not the whole story.” I can acknowledge these truths and feelings and also acknowledge a deeper truth… God is with me. When I got home I wanted to dance to this one particular song, but I didn’t have it anymore. So, I got on my old blog because I knew I’d written about the song once. I started searching for the post about the song but I couldn’t find it, instead I found this post I had written in 2003 about fear. It was so good to be reminded of these things I had written before…

“As I looked back on my life (especially in the last few years) I realized that many of my decisions were made based on a paralyzing sense of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not doing the “right thing”, fear of not living up to the expectations that others put on me or I put on myself, fear of life, fear of love, fear of not being in control, fear of being in control, basically just FEAR.
There are a lot of things that I’ve been realizing about fear:
Fear is really just lack of trust and faith in God. If I really trusted the goodness, love, mercy and grace of my God and Savior, how could I fear? If I really believed fully His sweet Words then how could I fear? If I really had faith that He walks beside me and loves me how could I fear?
The fact of the matter is, though, that too often I don’t trust, I don’t believe, and I don’t have faith – instead, I choose to try to control my own life, and fear every turn in the road because I know I can’t really control it. Fear clutches at my soul and attempts to strangle life and freedom from me. And it is only through surrendering all to God and finally coming before Him with open hands choosing to trust in His goodness that the grip of fear begins to be loosed and I can begin again to dance in the fullness of life that He desires for me.
I can’t say I’ve even begun to live life without fear; I can’t say that fear no longer paralyzes me, but I can say that God is revealing to me His love – not by what is physically happening in my life – but by His cross and His Spirit which is at work in my life. As I realize more and more Christ’s deep love for me, I realize more and more the absurdity of my fear, and the grip of fear on my life, on my joy, on my freedom, on my love, is loosened more and more. I know that I no longer HAVE to fear the future, or failure, or disappointment, or hurt, or rejection, or whatever.
And now I think it really just comes down to “ok, Bethany, God has been faithful to you in the past – in your own recent past, He has walked beside you - In the distant past He has fought for you, died for you and in doing so given you life abundant – And in the future, which will one day out do all pasts before, He has promised you a hope, and life eternal. He has promised you that you will see Him face to face; that you will know Him even as you are known; that all tears, all hurt, all brokenness, and all fear will be erased and irrevocable joy will be yours eternally. With the blood that He poured out in the past, once and for all proving His love for you, He has given you LIFE, here and now, and in the age to come. Now, holding to that hope, holding to that perfect love, what do you have to fear? Christ is giving you LIFE – so open your hands, and receive all that He has to offer. Open you heart and start dancing – you don’t have to fear that you’ll mess up, you have a wonderful dance partner, and He will eternally be holding you as you dance through the ages of time, and the beauties of experiences. Now will you trust Him?”
This is Christ’s call to me; this is His challenge… I will listen and try to respond and reorder my life accordingly. I choose this day who I’m going to serve, who I’m going to follow. I choose this day who I’m going to fear. Lord, I don’t want to fear my own junk any more – I want to fear You, and You alone. Show me your love more and more that I may know you truly and love you deeply. I hand over to You my life, my fears, my hopes, dreams, and desires, and I pray that you do with them as you will. Lord, I surrender! Help me to trust you more and more each day, that I may walk in confidence of your love instead of my own fear and doubt.

Lord, as I read these words again I acknowledge once again that I have let fear have too big a say in my life. I have followed fear instead of following you. Lord, I choose this day to turn. I choose this day to follow you and what you are calling me to instead of just blindly listening to fear. I am yours, Lord, lead me.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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“46Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (that is, the Son of Timaeus), was sitting by the roadside begging. 47When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”

 48Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”

 49Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.” So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” 50Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.

 51“What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him.
      The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”

 52“Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.” – Mark 10:46-52

“Save me, Oh, God, for the waters have come up to my neck
I am sinking to the bottom where I cannot stand
I am calling to You can You hear my cry?
Save me, Oh, God, I have wandered and I cannot find your hand
I am looking for you Father, buy my eyes fail
I am calling to you, can you hear my cry?”

Me: Lord, Jesus, I need you… I need you… I need you…

God: Bethany, I’m here…I am with you always… I’m calling to you…“What do you want me to do for you?”

Me: “Rabbi, I want to see.”

“Oh, Mercy, fall on me like a warm blanket…on my cold, cold heart.
Clean me with Your blood that turns me white on the inside
I’m on my knees again ‘cause I’m breaking Your heart
Put in me… what I cannot buy with gold
Put in me, oh God… come restore my broken soul
Put in me… what I cannot give myself
Put in me… a clean heart.
I know all my broken places like the back of my hand
That slapped your face again
Wash me in your love and hold me tight like a baby
Till I have no memory of ever breaking Your heart
Put in me… what I cannot buy with gold
Put in me, oh God… come restore my broken soul
Put in me… what I cannot give myself
Put in me… a clean heart…. A clean heart…”

The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want…

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Just yesterday God and I had a long talk, through the process of the conversation I came to realize that I had been approaching my current situation with closed hands, grasping hands, and that he wanted me to open my hands.
I had thought that I was approaching the situation really calmly – I had only had one real freak out moment and it was short lived. I knew that I could see God’s hand in our situation so I was really trying to trust. I think when it all first happened my hands were open, but over the last week and a half they have slowly closed until yesterday when I realized that they were not just closed, they were clenched.
I realized yesterday that even though I have really been saying and praying that God would be in control and that I would trust him and follow where ever he led us, I realized yesterday that wasn’t really true. I have a path in mind that I want him to lead us down – I realized last night how truly deep that desire and longing was. I wasn’t open handed, I had already decided that there were certain things it was ok for God to take away and certain paths it was ok for God to lead us down and other things and paths that were not ok.

We have a mortgage that is far outside our reach… basically when we moved here we bought a beautiful new home that was within our abilities to pay but on the high end of what we could afford. Then the dollar started crashing and without having any change in our actual pay we took a 30% pay cut over the course of the last year. Since we are hourly we just worked more hours to make up the difference – literally working 80-100 hours a week each. It was insane and I believe that God is removing us from that job partly to stop that insanity. But, now as we look at the average pay here in Prague and look for new jobs we are beginning to realize that we can’t afford our house. Even if we get jobs on the high end of what we are qualified for we will still not be able to afford this place. I realized all this yesterday as I prayed and I could feel my hands clenching…This was something God couldn’t take away…

Me: “God weren’t you the one that brought us to this place. We felt so certain that it was from you, Lord. We felt so certain that you wanted us to use it here in Prague as a place of refuge for people and a safe place for your kingdom to flourish. We even had a dedication service for it and had people pray over it when we moved in…”

God: “That’s right, Bethany, you said then that it was MY place not yours and that you wanted me to use it for my glory and my redemptive work in the world… Did you really mean that? Do you still mean that?”

Me: “Yes, I meant it, and yes I still mean it… But, God I didn’t think that it would mean that you would take it away… we’ve only lived here for a year – a year to the month in fact…”

God: (cutting me off just now as I wrote this)… “But, remember Hannah…”

I heard the words, I wrote the words, but then I really stopped to think about what I wrote and I was struck with horror…. No, Lord, no…

You see right before we moved into this place we heard this sermon all in Czech – I couldn’t understand anything of it except the verses. It was the story of Hannah. It was after our move in date had been pushed back by 5 months, we had been living with friends for 5 months, I was really in anguish waiting… it was incredibly difficult to be living in a foreign country where nothing is really familiar and we are still settling in and making friends and not have a place to call home, a place that is your own. I was depressed and struggling with God over the whole housing matter. Then I read this story and I felt God speaking to me – very clearly – I felt him saying that this house was his not mine and saying that we needed to dedicate it to him. So, Bryan and I talked and interestingly he had been feeling God telling him similar things and so we prayed one night for a long time and just gave the whole thing over to God once again and told him that if everything did ever work out for us to own this place we would give it to him and dedicate it to his service. So, that’s what we did, we had a little dedication service after we moved in and since then we have tried to make decisions regarding our house in terms of how we can use it to serve the kingdom of God here in Prague.

But, as I wrote this God reminded me that there was more to the story of Hannah… She doesn’t just dedicate Samuel to God and get to keep him; she has to give him up. And when does she give him up? After Samuel had been weaned… probably when he was between 1-2 years old… Rereading the story again I felt chills… No, Lord, no…

Then God spoke…

“Bethany, are you willing to let go. Open your hands and give up this place that’s not really yours anyway? You don’t know where I’m going to lead, and I’m not telling you that you have to put this place up for sale tomorrow, but I am saying are you willing… I might lead there… Will you follow through with your vows if it comes to that? Will you trust that I love you and know what’s best for you? Will you trust that if I call you to give up this place it’s because it could better serve me without you and you could better serve me without it? Will you trust me?”

And then I heard the gentle whisper … “You know, Bethany, opening up your hands doesn’t just enable me to take things from you, it also enables me to give things to you. I am love. And I love you. Will you trust that I love you?”

…Yes, Lord, yes… Here I am, do with me as you will.

“The Lord brings death and makes alive; he brings down to the grave and raises up. The Lord sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and he exalts.” – 1 Samuel 2:6-7

Rejoicing in the journey -
Beth Stedman

Photograph by Beth Stedman

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I decided to do the prayer on Sacred Space today and the verse for the day was this:

Matthew 8:23-27
And when Jesus got into the boat, his disciples followed him. A windstorm arose on the sea, so great that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep. And they went and woke him up, saying, “Lord, save us! We are perishing!” And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, you of little faith?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a dead calm. They were amazed, saying, “What sort of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him?”

I felt God speaking to me in it. “Yes, there is a storm brewing, yes, the waves are crashing, but Bethany, I am here and I will protect you. Come to me.” After reading the passage I wrote this (using the I am Template from Kathy Escobar’s site – though I admittedly didn’t follow the rules exactly):

i am easily scared and distracted
i wonder… What God is calling me to?
i hear whispers on the wind
i see waves crashing against my tinny boat
i want direction, guidance, and safety
i am confused and uncertain
i pretend that I am in control
i feel scared, unsure and small
i touch the sleeping Christ beside me
i worry that the waves will crash in around me
i cry “Lord, save us! We are perishing!”
i am listening, Lord, lead me
i understand that I am one of little faith
i say “Oh, Lord, you are my help and my salvation, my refuge in times of trouble, my guide in times of uncertainty.”
i dream of a new role, a new calling… a calm sea
i try to listen, trust and obey
i hope to become that which he calls me to be
i am His child

Rejoicing in the journey -
Beth Stedman

Photograph by Beth Stedman

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God: “Are you going to listen to me or are you going to listen to your circumstances. Are you going to follow me or are you just going to to give up? Are you going to let me walk you through the desert or are you going to run back to Egypt? Are you going to let me spin my cocoon of change around you or are you going to fight to remain a caterpillar? Will you follow me, Bethany, even when the way is unclear and everything seems to be upside down? Will you follow me into my upside down kingdom?”

Me: “Lord, I want to follow you, but the way is unclear and the path uncertain… and I’m scared.  I don’t want to give up… I won’t give up. I won’t just run back to the easy road. I won’t return to Egypt… but, Lord, could you just tell me where to go instead? Would you tell me what to do next?”

God: “Rest. Stop doing. Just be. I will lead you and I will tell you what you need to know when you need to know it. For now, just be. Be the beautiful, creative, intelligent woman I made you to be, Bethany.”

Me: “But, Lord, I don’t FEEL beautiful, creative or intelligent – I feel awkward most of the time.”

God: “Bethany, it’s not about feeling, it’s about truth. Let me speak my truth about you.”

Me: “But, even if I did believe what you say about me… I wouldn’t know where to bring my beauty, creativity, or intellect – what should I do with the gifts you’ve given me? Where do I fit? What are you calling me to?…”

God: (Interrupting)”… Shhhh. Quiet, my dear child. Be still. You do not have to have all the answers. You do not have to know what to do right now. Just do the small things that I place in front of you. Follow me. Listen to me. Rest in me. And slowly I’ll take you where I want you to go.”

Me: “… Here, I am…Speak, Lord, for your servant listens…”

Rejoicing in the journey -
Beth Stedman

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