Archive for the ‘Dreams’ Category

The God Who is Not Embarrassed

July 21st, 2010

This is another guest post from my beautiful friend, Tara. And it’s definitely one that I needed to hear right now. Growing up as a “good religious girl” I struggle with desire and how to handle my own desires. I struggle with how to honestly and openly journey into desire and invite God into my desires. So, this post hit home for me personally. Tara always has a way of saying things that I need to hear right when I need to hear them and I’m so glad that I got a chance to see her in person and connect with her this past week. Thanks again, my friend!


LGLPMexico34Have you ever been in a public place when somebody blurted something out that made everyone else around turn red with embarrassment? Quite a few years ago, standing in the checkout line at Target, my little son stood up in the cart and, at the top of his lungs, yelled…“Mom…I need to go psssst!!!” and then proceeded to point to those body parts that mothers wish their kids wouldn’t point to in public.

I am not totally sure what I did, but I am sure I wished that I could have looked around bewildered, asking how some strange child (obviously not mine!) had gotten into my cart. Embarrassed, I did not want to claim this one as my own!!

Now, quite a few years later, I am coming to realize that how I felt that day in Target is oftentimes how I feel about the deep desires within my heart. Their strength and volume embarrass and, honestly, scare me.

The “good religious girl” in me is unnerved by the deep rumblings of my soul and asks questions like:

  • what about being selfless and sacrificing?
  • what if this leads you away from God?
  • can you really trust the desires of your heart?
  • aren’t they full of sin and marred by your depravity?
  • what if you name your desire and then realize it can’t be lived?
  • isn’t desiring bad?
  • shouldn’t you just read the Bible and “do”?
  • what if a desire is in opposition to what God wants?

She asks all these questions in rapid fire succession, all while glancing around nervously to be sure nobody actually heard the stated desire out loud.

It is not that those questions are bad, but it is here where I get stuck. Do I stay where I am or do I journey into desire? And what if I lose my way on the journey? Some of the spiritual authors I read – CS Lewis, John Eldridge, Sue Monk Kidd, Ruth Haley Barton – all speak of this journey into exploring our desires. But if I were to be honest, I am afraid at the force of the desires that press against my heart and make me feel like they will undo me. I am afraid to say them out loud for others to hear…for me to hear…for God to hear. I am afraid to want.

As I sit silently with this longing ache, I am reminded of the story of Bartimaeus and Jesus in Mark 10. It is a story of much shouting, and shushing and eventually poignnant question asking.

In the narrative the blind beggar Bartimaeus knows that Jesus is near and does not want to waste the opportunity; he begins to cry out!! Interestingly, his cry is “Jesus, son of God, have mercy on me!!!” It is from this portion of Scripture that we get our orthodox “Jesus Prayer”, and it dawned on me that it is a cry of desperation and longing for Jesus to stop…pay attention…and notice. It is the cry of utter longing mixed with the physical reality of a present state of total blindness. It is the state I find myself in as I take the journey of desire.

If we read on in the passage, we can see that these longing shouts unnerve the crowd. People try to shut Bartimaeus up. His desire and his loud cries are embarrassing them. But Bartimaeus chooses not to listen and cries out all the louder…”Son of David!! Mercy, have mercy on me!!”

Jesus stops. He has noticed. He calls this loud, raw, longing, blind beggar over. And then He asks him the question…”What do you want Me to do for you?…What do you want?…”

At this point Bartimaeus has a choice. Will he actually risk saying out loud what his deepest longing is? Does he have the guts to say to the Son of God what it is he wants? Does he risk looking stupid in front of others and Jesus to name his desire?

These are the questions that we, who journey with desire, must all face. Will we say out loud what is in our hearts and wait for the answer from the Master? For me…I am learning that God is large enough to handle my desire. He is gentle enough to sometimes say no and good enough to sometimes say yes. He is capable enough to transform my wanting into new and surprising desires too. And He is risky enough to not be afraid or embarrassed of it all.

PictureofTaraForSite

Tara Malouf makes her home in the Seattle area with her husband and two kids. She loves images and words, quiet and beauty, walking and prayer. She sees with “connectedness” eyes and thinks life is lived in story. She aspires to be a professional friend.

You can check out her photography at www.redthreadphoto.blogspot.com and her occasional musings at www.stroyformed.wordpress.com

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A Dream: In the Garden…

July 4th, 2008

Last night I prayed that God would speak to Bryan and I in our dreams. I prayed that he would speak truth to us in our dreams and that he would not allow any lies or falseness into our dreams that night. I prayed also that he would speak guidance and encouragement to us through our dreams…

Here is what I dreamed…

I dreamed that Bryan and I were part of starting a large co-op. It was garden, where anyone who wanted to could come and eat the food grown – all we asked in return is that they work in the garden for a while, planting, pulling weeds, tilling soil, etc. In my dream I knew that there were lots of different kinds of fruits and vegetables growing in the garden but all I saw where miles and miles of orange trees (interestingly enough, I got curious and looked up oranges on a dream interpretation web site, it said: “To see orange trees in your dream, signifies health and prosperity… You may want to expand your horizons and look into new interests.”) As we walked through the orange trees we came across a group of homeless who were working in the garden. They were happily pulling weeds and raking the path near the trees. We stopped and talked with them for a little while. (I looked up homeless too and found this: “To dream that you are homeless, indicates that you are feeling insecure. You are unsure of yourself and where you are headed.” – not sure what it means to see homeless people contentedly working in a garden, though…)
Anyway, then we found some friends who were planting some new orange trees. They were saying that they have been having some problems with some of the new plants – diseases, ants, and other bugs were killing them. We looked at an orange tree that had been completely devoured by ants – there were ants everywhere. (I looked up ants as well: “To see ants in your dream, signifies your general dissatisfaction in your daily life. You are feeling neglected and insignificant. Petty things will annoy you throughout the following day. You will learn that cooperation will be the only way to achieve your desires. Ants also symbolize hard work, diligence and industry. Increased business activities are expected…According to the biblical interpretations, ants symbolize diligence concerning the things of God. Despite its small size, the ant lays up substance during times of plenty.”) After seeing the trees I recommended that they plant mint bushes near the trees since I had read that ants don’t like mint (not sure if this is actually true or not).
After that we were suddenly in a small house which seemed to be a sort of office/shed/central meeting place for the garden and it was also where we and a few other friends were living. We were painting it and in the process I got paint all over me. (painting: “To dream that you are painting your house, signifies that you will find much success in a new project and that you will be promoted to a coveted position. You may be expressing your creativity. Alternatively, it may also mean you are covering up something. To dream that paint has gotten on your clothes, signifies that you are too easily offended by criticism about you. To see or use a paintbrush in your dream, symbolizes harmony, creativity and artistic talents.”)
After painting for a while I walked into the other room where a group of people were sitting around and a few were telling stories. It was a hog posh sort of room where none of the furniture matched and few of the people knew each other but they all came together and it created a room that felt whole and comfortable. After watching and listening for a little while I went back into the main room that we had been painting and found that one of the women who had been helping us paint was stealing the paint. She wasn’t discrete about it – she was actually asking people’s opinion on what color to take – even though all of the paint was similar shades of gray and beige. At first I confront here but then just let her take the paint. (Stealing: “To dream that you are stealing, denotes that you are deprived and where the stealing takes place is indicative of your neediness. Alternatively, it may signify unrealized and unfulfilled goals.” – so does it mean the same thing to see someone else, who I don’t know, stealing?). It was at this point that I woke up.
The dream may have passed for nothing if it hadn’t been for what I had prayed the night before. It was also a very vivid, colorful dream, one that stays with you for a while after you wake up. Anyway, that was my dream and I just thought I would share it today…

Rejoicing in the journey -
Beth Stedman

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Random Dreams…

February 13th, 2008

Last night I had another dream about doing Theatre again. This was the second dream in a week about it. In the first dream I was choreographing again and I was working with a lot of the same people I had worked with before. In the dream it had also been a long time since I choreographed and it was like a comeback and it felt sooo good. This second dream I was working with my old drama teacher from high school and his wife helping with directing and costumes for a show they were putting on. This dream was more stressful but still felt really good to be back stage and doing Theatre stuff again.

Hum… maybe I miss dance and theatre even more than I thought…

Rejoicing in the journey -
Beth Stedman

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