Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

Letting go of Mommy Ideals

June 19th, 2010

We all have them don’t we, the ideals we hold on to? We say I’m going to be this kind of mom, person, friend, etc. And then we feel guilty or like failures when life takes us in a different direction. And it often does take us in a different direction.

For example, I’ve read quite a few posts about women who thought they would follow Gary Ezzo’s advice in Babywise, but they tried and it didn’t work for them, so they had to let go of their expectations and change their picture of ideal. (As a side note, I found this article from Christianity Today, saying that Ezzo’s approach is potentially dangerous and that the original publisher was severing ties with him, to be really interesting.)

Tonight I talked to a dear friend who shared about how when her kids where younger the “hot” parenting strategy in their church was Growing Kids God’s Way. She expected to follow that advice with her child, and she tried it for a while, but it didn’t work for her. She felt like she wasn’t being true to who she was when she followed Growing Kid’s God’s Way and it didn’t work with her child. So, she had to let go of her expectations and change her picture of ideal.

Yesterday, I had to let go of my expectations and change my picture of ideal.

I shared here on the blog about Baby Led Weaning and our desire to follow this approach to introducing solid food. We have been doing this for the past few weeks, but most of the time Thaddeus doesn’t eat much of it. He’s still nursing a LOT and so I have been very relaxed about him eating. But, yesterday we went to the pediatrician and there are some concerns. He’s not gaining weight like he should; he’s just above the 3rd percentile now. The doctor didn’t think we needed to run any tests or really worry about it, but she did say that he needs more calories. He needs to be eating much more than he has been.

So,  we came home and spoon feed him some mush – making sure he actually ate it.

I felt sad about it, like I was letting down this ideal that I had, but Thaddeus seemed fine with it. In fact he seemed to really enjoy it. He liked the food, he seemed less frustrated then when we just put food in front of him and let him try and pick it up. He ate well and ate almost all of what we’d prepared.

We all have our ideas of how we want to parent and the types of parents we want to be, but there is something that’s even more important than our ideals – Our Children. What works for one child, might not work for another child. What works for one mom or family, might not work for another mom or family.

My friend told me that whenever she hears parenting advice or someone say “this is the best thing to do for your child” or that sort of thing, she thinks of it like a story. A story of something that worked for a particular child, with a particular parent, in a particular setting and time. Maybe it’ll work for your child too, but maybe it won’t. Don’t hold so tightly to the ideal or the advice. Look instead at your child and be willing to compromise on your ideal for what is best for your particular child at this particular time.

A few weeks ago I read this wonderful post about all the things a “good mom” does and about how being a good mom can look very different in different situations. I love it and thought of it again today as I adjusted my ideals a little bit. There is so much of all of this in each of us. We shouldn’t judge each other when someone else doesn’t meet our ideals. We shouldn’t judge ourselves when we don’t meet our own ideals. We may do things differently, we may not reach our expectations, we may compromise on our ideals, but that doesn’t make us bad moms. We are human, and we do the best we can for our children with where we are at. I am a good mom, even if my baby is skinner than we’d like right now. I am a good mom even if I change my ideals.

Hold loosely to your ideals today. Allow your child, your life, and your God, to shape the mom you are and the mom you are becoming, instead of the ideals you have placed on yourself.

Rejoicing in the journey-
Bethany Stedman

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Admiration Mondays: Brie Endicott

June 7th, 2010

endicott familyToday’s post is about a person who is very special to me, my sister.

When Brie and I were younger we didn’t always get along. We were only 13 months apart in age and we often competed with each other and got jealous of one another other. Our relationship didn’t fit the big-sister/little-sister picture and we didn’t always have common interests. As we have grown though our relationship has also grown and changed. I can now say that my sister is not only my sister, she is a dear friend who I have missed every day since coming back to Prague.

I think there has been a part of me that has always admired my sister. I’ve admired her guts and gusto, her beauty and energy, her ability to talk with anyone and her ease in meeting new people. These are things I have both admired and been jealous of at times.

My sister is one of the most beautiful women I know. She always has been. She’s attractive, and she constantly had a slew of guys pursuing her. She’s fun and energetic, vivacious and creative. She was always up on the latest trend and the newest fashion and now that she’s a mom she’s the perfect person to go to when you want to know what brand of stroller is the best and what diaper bag is going to be the most stylish.

One of the things I love about my sister is she is just fun to be with. We can still giggle like school-girls together over desert, she always has a good story to tell and she’s up for almost anything. But, I’ve also realized as we’ve gotten older that she can be trusted with deep secrets and that she is a great person to go to when you just need to vent. She’ll listen and understand and she won’t judge you.

Most of all, though, I admire the mom my sister has become. Like all mothers she’s not perfect, but she’s one of the best mom’s I know. She loves her children so much and does so much for them each and every day. My sister’s kids are all incredibly close in age, with the first two only 16 months apart, and that can be so difficult and taxing, but she has handled it with incredible grace and beauty.

I loved that when I became a mom my sister went above and beyond to support and help me. She told me her little breastfeeding tricks, gave me advice about birth and pregnancy, gave me maternity cloths, cloths for the baby, toys for the baby, really she gave me gift after gift after gift. Her generosity and grace towards me was boundless and I’m not sure I would have been able to make it through the difficult first days of motherhood without her.

What really amazed me was that she did it all, was constantly providing for my needs as a new mother, while also caring for her three children and husband, moving out of their house and helping my mom host a rather large family Christmas. She never ran out of energy, she never dropped a ball. My sister is organized, and knows how to get things done. She’s loyal and faithful to do what she says she will do. She amazes me all the time.

I think every new mom needs someone in their lives like my sister. They need a mommy friend who’s just a little bit ahead of them, who can show them the ropes, help them out at the beginning and give them the encouragement they need. For me that person has been my sister and I’m so glad that it has. I feel like I have gotten to see my sister and all that she is and does with new eyes since becoming a mom and it makes me admire her so much.

I miss you, Brie, and can’t wait to see you next month!


A Prayer for Brie Endicott:
Circle Brie, Father,
when children scream, and baby’s poo and things break,
give her peace to rise above it all and respond with grace.
Circle Brie, Father,
when the mundane tasks of the day pile up,
give her truth to know that the work she is doing in her children’s lives is infinitely valuable.
Circle Brie, Father,
when she feels alone and overwhelmed,
surround her with people who love her and will encourage her.
Circle Brie, Father,
bless her as she has blessed me and so many others.
Father, Circle Brie,
Keep peace within
and turmoil out.
The eternal Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
shield Brie on every side. Amen.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Weaning Part IV: Allergies and Foods to Avoid

May 25th, 2010

This post is part of a series of posts on breastfeeding and weaning. I hope that you’ve enjoyed this series and would love to hear your thoughts on it. You can find the other posts in the series here:

Weaning Part I: When to Start Solids
Weaning Part II: Baby’s First Food
Weaning Part III: Baby Led Weaning
Weaning Part V: When to Stop Breastfeeding

I’m no expert in health or allergies, but I have learned a bit about these things because I have struggled with allergies and a wide range of chemical and food sensitivities for most of my life. I have wrestled with how to maintain a healthy, active, balanced life without letting my allergies control me and without living on medication. I’ve learned a lot about my own sensitivities and how to control them or at least manage them. But, as I began to think about introducing solids to my sensitive little boy I panicked – I knew next to nothing about allergies and food sensitivities in babies.

The thought of my son possibly going through what I’ve gone through with my food sensitivities seriously depressed me. So, I have wanted to be extra cautious as I introduce solid foods and follow all the guidelines as closely as possible. I also plan on continuing nursing for much longer then the American standard since long-term nursing has time and time again been shown to reduce the occurrence of allergies and food sensitivities (but I’ll talk about that more in a future Weaning Series post).

Even though we have taken a fairly baby led approach to introducing solids we haven’t just let Thaddeus eat off of our plates, as is typically done with this method. Instead we have chosen to introduce one food at a time to him. Our approach has basically been to introduce one food and give it to him for two or three days in a row and then give him a day with only breast milk and watch him closely throughout. At this point he has tried egg yolk, pumpkin, carrots, and apple (the last three were all cooked with just a smidge of fresh butter from grass fed cows).  So far we have not had any negative reactions. Of course since he is feeding himself he also isn’t getting very much of anything at a time. What little amount makes it into his mouth is often just enough to get a taste for it.

Introducing one new food at a time seems to be the most commonly given advice for baby’s who are likely to have food allergies/sensitivities due to the parents having allergies. We plan on continuing to introduce one food at a time slowly over the coming months until we have a decent repertoire of foods Thaddeus can eat. The other piece of advice that is commonly given is to avoid certain high risk foods for at least the first year.

Here are the foods that we plan on avoiding until after Thaddeus turns one (some of these we may avoid until even later than age one, but that is the minimum):

  • Honey

    • This is something to avoid not because of allergies, but because of botulism, which can be very dangerous for babies. I plan on avoiding giving my son honey until at least one year of age and maybe two years.

  • Cow’s Milk

    • Thaddeus is breastfed and will continue to be breast fed so I see no need to introduce cow’s milk anytime soon. Breast milk is made perfectly for his body and is high in all the fat and nutrients he needs as a growing baby. Although we do drink cow’s milk as a family and it does have many wonderful nutrients and health benefits, it also is one of the most common allergens and can be difficult for young bodies to process. Cow’s milk has also been shown to interfere with the absorption of iron and introducing it too young can put babies at an increased risk for iron-deficiency anemia.

  • Grains

    • Grains are often introduced as a first food for baby’s in America (i.e. rice cereal), but we have chosen to delay introducing grains until after Thaddeus is a year old. There are two reasons for this, the first is that grains, and wheat in particular, often cause allergic reactions in children. The second reason is that the enzymes needed to digest grains (particularly amylase) don’t really “kick into gear” until around 28 months of age. According to The Weston A. Price Foundation “a recent Swedish study suggests that when infants are given substantial amounts of cereal, they may suffer from low concentrations of zinc and reduced calcium absorption.” Because of all this we plan on delaying the introduction of grains until at least after Thaddeus’ first birthday. When we do introduce grains we will start with brown rice (the least likely to cause an allergic reaction) and then we will introduce soaked, soured and sprouted grains with wheat being the last to be introduced.

  • Egg White

    • If you’ve been reading along with this series you know that we’ve already introduced egg yolk to my son. The yolk of an egg is full of fat and cholesterol, both necessary for optimal development in babies, and it is unlikely to cause an allergic reaction. The egg white is a different story, however. Egg white regularly causes allergic reactions and we plan on avoiding it until after Thad’s first birthday.

  • Peanuts and Nuts

    • It is commonly recommended that these foods not be introduced until after one year of age because they are such common allergens. They also pose choking hazards and some people recommend that they be avoided until after two years of age, others suggest waiting even longer until three years of age. My plan is to wait until two years of age before introducing nuts, but we will see how it goes – if Thad shows a number of allergies already at that point we may wait longer, if he is healthy and does not have allergies we will feel more comfortable introducing them.

  • Chocolate

    • Chocolate is a common allergen and Thaddeus already has trouble if I eat chocolate and then nurse him. Because of this we plan on delaying the introduction of chocolate till at least one year. Some recommend waiting until age two before introducing chocolate and we may do that if we feel it is necessary.

  • Pork and Shellfish

    • Pork and shellfish are common allergens and I plan on waiting to introduce them until after my son is at least one.

  • Citrus and Tomato

    • Citrus and tomato are also common allergens and although most people say they only need to be avoided until about 9 months I plan on waiting to introduce them until about 12 months. This is mainly because my son has already shown some problems with these two things. If I eat a lot of citrus or a lot of tomato and then breastfeed he almost always has problems with it – gas, bloating, fussiness, runny nose, etc.

After going through that list I will say this, there is recent research that suggests, and there are changing recommendations that say, that many of these foods can actually be introduced earlier than a year, particularly if the child is not at risk for allergies and has been exclusively breast fed for the first 4-6 months. I personally feel that I would rather play it safe and avoid these foods for at least the first year and maybe longer, especially since my son IS at risk for food allergies. But, I’d be curious to know what you all think…

If you have a child what foods did you avoid introducing until after a year? Is there anything you wish you had avoided longer? Or what foods do you plan on avoiding until after you child is a year old?

Rejoicing in the journey -
Beth Stedman

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My Story: My Walk with God

May 16th, 2010

I was raised in the church. Some of my first memories are from going to church. My parents were involved in starting a number of churches while I was growing up and my dad now serves on the elder board of their church. They were always close friends with our pastors and I have very vivid and positive memories of my parents (my dad in particular) having theological conversations with my pastor as a young child. I think it’s where my interest and love for theology and philosophy first started.

So, that’s a little bit of my parents and the background I was born into, but what’s my story…well…

I “accepted Christ” when I was 5 years old because they had talked about hell at church. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs with my mom and praying “the sinner’s prayer”. I was terrified of going to hell and my decision to accept Christ was based almost solely on that fear. The fear of hell then haunted me for years; I remember asking Jesus into my heart nearly every night for most of my childhood.

In 8th grade my mom baptized me in a friend’s pool. That was the beginning of what I could call the “God years”. High school was for me a time when I deeply pursued God and felt his presence. I was involved in everything and would spend long hours praying and reading scripture. I was good – I did my devotionals, I obeyed my parents, I didn’t party, I got good grades. Looking back I can recognize that in many ways I thought I could earn my way into God’s favor and out of hell.

It wasn’t until freshman year of college that things started to really fall apart and I had what could classically be called a “crisis of faith”. I think I had always carried a lot of doubt and questions in my mind and heart when it came to God, but there were some things that happened during this time in my life that really brought those questions to the forefront. Suddenly nothing seemed solid and God didn’t seem to fit in the nice neat box I had been told (and had believed) He should fit in.

There are a lot of things that eventually lead to the quieting of those questions (notice I said quieting and not resolving). I think one of the most significant things that brought me through that time in my life were a handful of very dear friends. God surrounded me with people who weren’t afraid to let me really dig into the questions. He brought people into my life, who really listened to me, and spoke truth to me and were willing to share their own struggles with God. I don’t think I had ever before that time seen someone honestly and authentically struggle with God and that made my own struggle seem so terrifying. But, in a few close friends in particular I saw people who struggled openly with God, and people who loved God desperately even while they struggled with him. And that gave me incredible freedom to wrestle with God myself.

This was also when I first began to realize that the narratives and theologies that I had grown up with weren’t the only Christian answers to the questions. I became to discover that Christians had answered theological questions differently throughout history and there was not a consistent theological narrative like I had always thought. But, I also began to see that even with all the diversity in the church throughout history God was still clearly at work and His spirit was clearly moving among his people.

It was also around this time that I began blogging and reading blogs and I discovered that there were other people out there were in the same boat I was in. Knowing that others were asking the same questions, wrestling with God and with his church, was incredibly freeing for me. Knowing that others were also re-thinking what it really means to be a Christian, to walk with Jesus, to love Him and love people was incredibly encouraging to me.

Eventually I came to a place where I could love God for Himself and not what I thought he was or should be. Eventually I came to a place where I could choose to follow him even if I didn’t understand him. Since then God and I have been on a wild journey of discovery. He continues to take me inward, allowing me to ask all the difficult questions that arise in my soul, allowing me to live the questions, and walking through them with me.

There is still so much farther I have to walk with God. He is still so unknown to me. There are still places of my heart that I keep hidden. There are still questions that I haven’t found answers for. There are still places of brokenness in my soul that need to be healed. There are still sins in my life that need to be washed. There are still journeys God and I need to take.

So, I just keep walking, clinging to faith and trusting that God walks beside me.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Weaning Part II: Baby’s First Food

May 13th, 2010

This post is part of a series of posts on breastfeeding and weaning. I hope that you’ve enjoyed this series and would love to hear your thoughts on it. You can find the other posts in the series here:

Weaning Part I: When to Start Solids
Weaning Part III: Baby Led Weaning
Weaning Part IV: Allergies and Foods to Avoid
Weaning Part V: When to Stop Breastfeeding

My husband and I are both first-borns and we both can be serious perfectionists at times. Knowing that and the fact that we both have a bit of a secret love for research and learning will help you to understand our approach to starting our son on solid food. Deciding what our son’s first food should be was not an easy decision for me. I didn’t just give him baby rice cereal because that’s what a book I read suggested and what my friends and family often do. I didn’t just give him cooked carrots because the pediatrician here said that is a common first food for Czech babies. I did take all that into account and then I researched and read and researched and read some more.

As I read I noticed a few things kept coming up. One was concern about iron deficiency in babies. Baby’s have an adequate store of iron when they are born but sometime between 6 months and about 9 months their store of iron becomes depleted. Breast milk is not really considered a good source of iron although the iron that is in breast milk is a very easily absorbed form of iron so some argue that it is still all a baby really needs. Different cultures handle this concern over iron differently; in the US we most often give our babies iron fortified rice cereals to deal with this issue. In other countries (including the Czech Republic, according to our pediatrician) they solve the iron problem by introducing various meats early on (often as a second or third food). Interestingly, even in more primitive cultures without the specific knowledge of nutritional needs they would still unknowingly address this issue by traditionally giving their babies meat fairly early (often pre-chewed organ meats like liver).

After doing the research and looking into all of this I knew that we wanted to give Thaddeus some form of meat as one of his first foods. In general we try to eat and live as naturally as possible, so I would much rather have him get his iron needs met from a natural source then from iron fortification which I had also read can be less easily absorbed by the body.

I have also been doing some general research on food more for my own knowledge then for weaning information. In that research I have been learning a bit more about grains and how difficult they can be for our bodies to digest. I have also been reading about the benefits of fat and cholesterol for health and especially for growth and brain development. Because of this other research I am strongly leaning towards not introducing grains to Thaddeus until he is at least a year old (including rice cereal). I have also decided that I want him to have a good amount of healthy fat and cholesterol in the first foods that we give him.

In the end I decided that Thaddeus’ first food would be egg yolk (the white of the egg can be a possible allergen so it is best avoided, but it is rare for the egg yolk to be problematic). Egg yolk is very rich in fat and cholesterol and it contains iron. Here is just one recent study showing the benefit of giving egg yolk as a first food.  It’s also a completely real, whole food. Nothin’ artificial about an egg yolk. We buy our eggs fresh from a local farm which also helped me to feel very comfortable about giving them to Thaddeus as his first food.

Once we decided on what the first food would be there were still a number of decisions that I hadn’t even realized before I started reading. For example would we puree his foods, or would we opt for a more baby led approach and just give him tastes off of our plate of whatever we were eating? What would be the second, third, fourth foods we give him? What foods would we choose to avoid until 1 year of age or older? How slowly would we introduce foods and when would I stop nursing all together?

So, I’ll work through our answers to those questions over the coming weeks in the rest of this weaning series.

For now I’ll leave you with this little video of Thaddeus trying egg yolk. If you are wondering where the spoons and purees are then you definitely will have to read the next post in this series because that’s exactly what I’ll be addressing. See you then!

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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