“There are only two feelings
Love and fear
There are only two languages
Love and fear
There are only two activities
Love and fear
There are only two motives,
two procedures, two frameworks,
two results.
Love and fear
Love and fear.”

As soon as I read this I had this picture in my head of love and fear dancing together. I thought about the Christian life as being a journey from fear to love. There’s a long phase of the journey where love hasn’t totally conquered fear yet, and so they dance together for a while. Sometimes love leads, and sometimes fear leads, but hopefully over the course of the journey love leads more and more often until one day fear is completely transformed and Love is all there is. I’ve been sitting with this picture all day.

Here’s a little something I wrote in response to all these thoughts:

Lord, I reach out to you in my darkness and there is fear.

I speak to you in my pain and there is fear.

In me is fear, around me is fear, from me is fear.

I am fear.

But, Lord, you reach out to me in my darkness and there is love.

You speak to me in my pain and there is love.

In you is love, around you is love, from you is love.

You are love.

Perfect love drives out all fear.

You come

And your love begins to dance with my fear.

And slowly, ever so slowly

Fear is driven out by love’s dance.

And you begin to whisper,

“Come, and do likewise!

Reach out your hand in love towards those in darkness

Speak out in love towards those in pain

Drive out fear from all places where it has made its home.

Be love to the other, as I have been love to you.”

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

Never Miss A Post – Receive free updates via RSS or Email

Bryan and I have always loved opening our home and sharing a meal with friends. The first year we were married we had a standing open door policy every Thursday night. Thursday nights all our friends knew that we would make a big dinner and they were welcome to join us if they wanted. When we moved to Prague we dropped the weekly open dinner, but continued to regularly invite a variety of people over for meals. Since having Thaddeus though we haven’t really done this at all and I have missed it a lot. So, tonight feels really significant to me – in a way it feels like coming back home to something I love, that I momentarily set down.

There’s been a lot of that lately – a lot of stirrings in me to return to former loves. During my pregnancy I sort of set aside many of my hobbies, interests, and former passions. I don’t know why but pregnancy and the transition into motherhood felt all encompassing for me. So, blogging, writing, photography, cooking, health, yoga, reading, and entertaining all sort of fell by the way side. Now they are calling to me again. So, tonight feels like opening a door to these former interests and saying, “Yes, come in again. I’ve missed you.”

So, what did we do for our entry back into dinner parties? A salad party. Ok, I know that there are probably some people out there who would think this sounds a little lame, but believe me it was awesome!

Basically Bryan and I provided lettuce, salad dressing options and homemade bread. We asked everyone else to bring one thing to contribute to a salad for dinner. I think everyone brought more than one thing though, and we ended up having such a great variety and a really beautiful salad. Our salad had three types of nuts, three different cheeses, tomatoes, apple, dried cranberry, and bacon all atop a salad of three different kinds of lettuce. YUMMY! For desert we had everyone bring a fruit and we made a big fruit salad and topped it with homemade whipped cream and a drizzle of honey. Strawberries, coconut, pineapple, banana, mandarin oranges, candied ginger – Even more yummy!

My favorite thing about this was that it was so communal. Everyone contributed whatever they had or wanted to offer. Honestly, I wasn’t sure about how some of the flavors would go together at first (apple and tomato?) but in the end it was delicious. Everything came together to create a beautiful colorful tapestry of flavors. To me this is a beautiful little picture of the body of Christ.

We all are so different and unique. Sometimes we aren’t sure if we really have something to contribute to the body or the kingdom, but we all do. Each and every one of us adds a unique flavor to the salad. Each and every one of us makes the kingdom “taste better” through our involvement. Even if we think that we might not “go together” well , often we’d be surprised that our “flavors” mix just perfectly to create exactly what the salad needs to take it to the next level. As I ate my salad I couldn’t l help but think about all that.

The other great thing about this dinner party was it didn’t cost much. In fact it may have been the cheapest dinner party we ever hosted. All Bryan and I had to buy for it was some lettuce, and whipping cream, and yeast. We already had everything else for bread and a whole jar of Czech honey at home to contribute. Everything else for the dinner came from everyone else. And since everyone only brought a few things it shouldn’t have been very expensive for any of them either. I really thought it was a great way to divide the cost of a big dinner, so that it was really manageable for everyone. These days that’s a big plus around here.

So, next time you’re thinking of a doing a dinner party feel free to steal this idea. You can’t really go wrong with a great big salad! And you can use this idea over and over – each time you do it your salad will turn out completely unique and different from the last time.

What are some of y our favorite dinner party meals?? Or what things are you picking up again that you’ve set aside for a while?

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

Never Miss A Post – Receive free updates via RSS or Email

As I sorted the grains it felt a little bit like I was engaged in a type of litany – A call and response between God’s heart and mine. Here are some of the thoughts that God brought up as I sorted the grains.

First, he reminded me that it is not my job to sort. It’s not my job to sort or judge anyone else’s life or heart, AND it’s not even my job to sort my own heart. I have a tendency to be very hard on myself. I want to be perfect and I want to be perfect NOW. I want to change how I act, and think, and feel. I want to change my heart and at times I WORK HARD at trying to do so. But, the truth of the Gospel is that I can’t change myself. I can’t purify my own heart. I can’t sort out all the “icky” stuff from my life. There is none holy, no not one. And I can’t fix myself.

The hope of the Gospel is that Christ is powerful to cleanse us. He stoops down and cleanses the disciple’s feet, washing them clean, purifying them. And he does the same for me. He is the one who sorts through my heart and weeds out all the impurities – all the shaft, rocks, bugs, and little black things that I can’t even recognize any more. I don’t need to cleanse myself, I don’t need to judge myself. He is the One Judge and he is merciful. He is the one who cleanses me and his hand is gentle.

Another thing happened while I was sorting. As I sorted through the grains, I noticed that some of them were broken. For a second I actually thought about sorting out all the broken pieces while I was sorting out the other stuff – I know CRAZY, right? But, there was a little part of me that wanted everything to be perfect and look perfect and uniform. I know it was ridiculous. Those broken pieces were perfectly good pieces of grain even though they didn’t look as nice or perfect as the whole pieces.

Then I heard God whisper… “Bethany, I don’t sort out the brokenness either. The broken pieces stay.” It struck me that when God is cleaning and purifying and sanctifying my life he slowly picks away the rocks, the dirt, the bugs, but he leaves the broken pieces. He leaves the wounds, the hurts, the scars, the places of my life that aren’t neat and clean and whole and perfect. Sometimes I wish he didn’t leave the broken pieces, but there is something beautiful about the fact that he does. He’s not wasteful. He may refine me but every bit of me that is worth keeping will be kept even if it looks a little broken or misshapen.

Oh, and his work is slow. He doesn’t sort and purify quickly. He doesn’t use a machine and haphazardly throw me into a standard system. He slowly picks up and looks at each grain of my heart. He sorts by hand – strong, yet gentle hands.

Search me, Oh God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Rejoicing in the journey-
Bethany

Never Miss A Post – Receive free updates via RSS or Email

Truly Lord, you are a mother
for both they who are in labour
and they who are brought forth
are accepted by you.
- Anselm of Canterbury

But our true Mother Jesus, he alone bears us for joy and for endless life,
blessed may he be. So he carries us within him in love and travail
- Julian of Norwich

Today I stumbled upon these quotes that compare God to a mother and really liked them. This idea of God as mother is definitely something I didn’t grow up hearing much, but it has been something I have thought a lot about since getting pregnant.

One picture that has come to mind often throughout this pregnancy is the picture that just as my baby is growing in my womb I am growing in the womb of God. I am surrounded, held, nurtured, protected by the unseen womb of a loving mothering God.

I think I have often had a difficult time picturing God as loving and nurturing. It is much easier for me to think of God as holy and other, as mysterious and unknown, as strong and powerful, as jealous and just. My usual images and metaphors for God (and the one’s I hear most often) consist of the merciful, but all powerful judge; the forgiving father; and on occasion the tender lover. But, they are all and have all been male images, and even the loving images have a hard edge to them. But, nurturing mother? Well, that’s one image or metaphor for God that hasn’t been a part of my repertoire. But, I wonder if I am missing out on a holistic picture of God because I limit my images of him mostly to male-centered father figures.

The picture of God as a nurturing caring mother feels incredibly powerful for me, especially at this season in my life when I feel immensely vulnerable. There is something entirely soft, warm, and inviting about a mother. I think we all have seasons of our lives when we long to be mothered, we remember our mothers care and kisses when we scraped our knees and burnt our hands and as adults there is still at times that longing to run to our mom’s and have our aches and pains kissed and cared for. The idea that God wants be that for me seems so beautiful to me right now. The idea that God wants to nurture and protect me just as I long to nurture and protect my child feels like an epiphany for me and I pray that God would take me deeper into the truths of his mothering, creating, nurturing nature.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

Never Miss A Post – Receive free updates via RSS or Email

*Lord, God you are Alpha and Omega,
 beginning and the end

You are God of our beginnings
You are God of our endings

*God of the ending

*God who causes the sun to set
And the leaves to fall from the trees

*God who inspires the caterpillar to crawl into the cocoon
And the tides to rise and recede

You are in the endings

*May we be a people who end well

*This is a day of ending

We mourn together for that which will not be again.

(silence)

*We say goodbye to the years that have past,
And thank you for the years gone by

*We thank you for your presence

*We thank you for your guidance and provision

*We thank you for your love

We thank you for the work of your spirit

*We thank you for the mystery of cocooning,

*The darkness of uncertainty,

*The tears of yesterday.

*We thank you for the beauty of the setting sun,
the wonder of your presence in our midst,
the laughter that has been.

*May we never forget where we’ve been and where we come from

*May we honor the past that has been,

But move forward in power and freedom

*God of endings, break clean the ties that hold us down,
tear loose the chains that bind us

And set us free to fly into new beginnings

*God of the beginning

*God who causes the sun to rise
And flowers to blossom in new life

*God who inspires butterflies to burst forth into the sky
And the tides to rise and recede

You are in the beginnings

*May we be a people who begin well

*This is a day of beginning

We sing together for that which is yet to come

(silence)

*Together we welcome the coming tide of change
and look forward to the years to come

*We look forward to your presence with us

*We look forward to your guidance and provision

*We look forward to your love

We look forward to the work of your spirit.

*We thank you for the mystery of new birth,

*The lightness of your presence,

*The freedom of tomorrow.

*We thank you for the beauty of the new dawn,
the wonder of your presence in our midst,
the laughter which is to come.

*May we move forward in strength into that which is yet to be

*May we lean into your leading in our lives,

Move us forward in power and freedom

*God of beginnings, break clean the ties that hold us down,
tear loose the chains that bind us

And set us free to fly into new beginnings

*Alpha and Omega, you are God of All

*Be God of this new season. Amen. 

* change readers
Bold read in unison

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

Never Miss A Post – Receive free updates via RSS or Email

That’s right… We’re PREGNANT!

Tomorrow marks the beginning of week 14 putting me FINALLY in my second trimester (the first trimester was really not very enjoyable). So, far this pregnancy has been a bit of a roller coaster ride emotionally and physically. We weren’t planning on getting pregnant and it’s definitely changed some of our plans for this year and will probably change a lot of our plans for the rest of our lives in ways that we can’t even foresee right now. But, we are very excited about this new adventure and new little life. We have both always looked forward to being parents and now, as that reality sinks in, we are no less excited.

For the last few weeks I’ve been thinking (when I can get my brain to think – seriously “pregnancy brain” is not a myth!) about how pregnancy is sort of a cross between Lent and Easter.

Pregnancy is 40 weeks. Maybe that doesn’t seem significant to anyone else, maybe it isn’t really significant and I’m just making something out of nothing, but it seems significant to me. I was just thinking about some of the other things that seem to come in time periods of 40… Lent being 40 days, Jesus spending 40 days being tempted in the desert, Moses and Elijah having 40 day encounters with God, the Israelites spending 40 years in the desert, the flood being 40 days and 40 nights, etc. Anyway, I got to thinking about pregnancy in comparison to some of those things…

In some ways pregnancy feels like Lent to me. Lent is a time when we make sacrifices we give things up in an effort to make more space and room for God in our lives. It’s a time when we search our hearts and souls and repent for wrong doing. And it is a time of growth as well (the word lent has its roots in “spring” and “to lengthen”). Pregnancy also is a time when we make sacrifices; we give things up to create a healthy environment for new life to grow. We give up alcohol, eating certain foods, and caffeine, as well as giving up certain other activities that could be dangerous for us or our child. Like Lent pregnancy can also be a time of deep reflection for many women, searching their hearts and souls, coming to grips with some of their own inadequacies and fears as well as looking at their past and the faults and successes of their own families. It can be a time of growth and change of setting new healthier limits for yourself physically and emotionally. In some ways pregnancy feels like a 40 week Lent.

I was also feeling like pregnancy was in some ways like the Israelites wondering in the desert. The forty years that Israel spent in the desert was a time when they had to rely entirely on God, there was little in their lives that they controlled. They moved when God said to move, they stopped when the cloud or fire stopped. They had no food or no water except that which the Lord directly provided. It wasn’t a time for them taking control and ruling their own lives, it was a time for letting go and allowing God to rule. Pregnancy feels like that to me too. In many ways pregnancy is one of the first truly and completely dependent experiences I’ve ever had. I have absolutely no control over the live growing within me. Sure I can do my best to eat well, rest, and not do things that could be dangerous for the baby. But, I cannot make the baby grow. I have no control over whether this child will live and grow healthily for 40 weeks or whether something will happen and it will be miscarried. I have no control over whether this child will be healthy or whether it will have health problems or disabilities. In many ways I feel entirely helpless, wondering in a desert of change and in actuality almost completely unable to keep myself and my baby safe. Pregnancy is indeed a time of deep trust and letting go of control – two things that have never been easy for me.

In other ways pregnancy feels like Easter. The Easter season, which lasts 50 days, celebrates all that is blossoming and flourishing in our lives. It celebrates the fact that we live as resurrection people, we are part of God’s kingdom come, our God has given us life – life to the full. I love how N.T. Wright put it in Surprised by Hope, “Jesus is risen, therefore God’s new world has begun. Jesus is risen, therefore Israel and the world have been redeemed. Jesus is risen, therefore his followers have a new job to do. And what is that new job? To bring the life of heaven to birth in actual, physical earthly reality.”

In pregnancy I have a clear opportunity to play some small part in joining God in bringing “the life of heaven to birth in actual, physical earthly reality.” Not that there are not many other ways in which we bring life to earth and join God in creating life in the world around us, but pregnancy seems like a particularly unique time in which we have a chance to be God’s vessels for creating. Pregnancy is beautiful, mysterious, celebratory, and full of life and meaning and to me that’s exactly how the Easter season should be as well.

Ok, so that’s the news for those of you who hadn’t heard yet, and my initial thoughts on it, I’m sure there will be more to come later J

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany

Never Miss A Post – Receive free updates via RSS or Email

Maybe I’m going too far in saying this, but, right now I feel like focus is everything. When I focus on my lack of control I feel overwhelmed, when I focus on God’s power and realize that He is always in control I feel reassured. When I focus on the big questions of how to pay the upcoming bills I feel overwhelmed, but when I focus on the simple task in front of me I feel reassured.

It reminded me of doing balancing poses in yoga… Sometimes when I’m trying to do a really difficult balancing pose I will focus on getting my body into the pose and no matter what I do I won’t be able to get my body to do it right – I get frustrated and try harder and harder and focus more and more on the big picture of getting into the pose. But, when I relax and take my focus to something else, a small spot on the wall or the place where the floor and wall meet, then suddenly I find my balance and I can do the pose. It’s overwhelming to my mind and body to focus on getting into the difficult pose and focus on keeping my balance in it, but when I take my focus to something else, something simple, a small spot in front of me, my mind can center and my body can balance. In life often I focus on the big picture of trying to fix everything and get my whole life right at once, and I get off balance and fall. But, when I focus just on the task in front of me suddenly things start to fall in place and I have the energy to go farther and do more than I thought I could. Focus really does change everything.

“Simply to do what we ought is an altogether higher, diviner, more potent, more creative thing, than to write the grandest poem, paint the most beautiful picture, carve the mightiest statue, build the most worshiping temple, or dream out the most enchanting commotion of melody and harmony.” – George MacDonald

“There is always a way of doing when one is willing to begin small. This is indeed a divine law! There shall be no success to the man who is not willing to begin small. Small is strong, for it can only grow stronger. Big at the outset is bloated and weak! There are thousands willing to do great things for one willing to do a small thing; but there never was any truly great thing that did not begin small.” – George MacDonald

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

Never Miss A Post – Receive free updates via RSS or Email

Life has been a bit overwhelming lately. To use a gardening metaphor, it feels like God has been tilling the soil of my heart. It’s a really good and necessary process, but it’s difficult too. Weeds with deep roots get pulled, old soil that hasn’t seen the light of day in years gets dug up, and hard pieces of earth and clay get broken. That’s exactly how I’ve felt lately.

God has been pulling up some weeds – showing me and convicting me of sin and ugliness in my life. And I feel like he has been trying to cleanse me anew from some of the deep seated junk in my heart and life. Sometimes I respond well to his prompting in confession and repentance and other times my heart clings to the familiar weeds and to my own safety. Lord, help me to let go – help me to let go of all that is not of you and all that hurts you. Lord, continue your work in me and pull out all the junk and ugliness that there might be room for new growth.

God has also been turning the soil of my heart, bringing things that have long been buried up to the surface. I feel like around every corner the past few weeks there has been a memory or a realization about my past. There have been a lot of insecurities that have been brought to light in me the past few weeks and God has often also revealed some truth about where those insecurities come from. It has been a week of epiphanies. In some ways it has also been a week of mourning. As I realize more about myself and my story and more of that gets brought into the open I also realize more about my own brokenness and the brokenness of those around me, and I mourn. Lord, help me to accept the digging that you are doing in my soil – help me to let you dig and not to try and stop you before you are finished. I want you to bring to light the very darkest places of me and teach me what I am in you. I feel weary and tired from the process already, but I want to open myself up to you, Lord. Finish the work you began in me.

God has also been breaking the hard soil of my heart. Those places that had become hardened by hurt or pain or fear, the places that I had avoided in my life and in others because it was too difficult to go there – those places God is beginning to break down. I feel my heart softening towards all those around me and unknown to me. I feel myself wanting to plant new seeds of hope and justice in my heart instead of fear, denial, or judgment. But, even as I feel that softening there is a final clinging to my old naiveté. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to be softened, that feels it will be too difficult and too tiring – a part of me that rebels and says that I am fine as I am. Lord, break me, even when I fight against the breaking. Lord, break the judgment in my heart, break the fear that has for so long ruled my life, break my tendency to avoid and run from pain in my life and in others. Help me to instead run towards those who are hurting and in need, just as you did, Lord Jesus. Give me opportunities and the courage needed to fight for justice and to bring hope and help to all those you put in front of me.

Lord, continue to till the soil of my heart, but please, Lord, don’t stop there! Begin to plant seeds in me that will spring forth into works of your glory! In Jesus name, Amen.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

Photograph by Beth Stedman

Never Miss A Post – Receive free updates via RSS or Email