It was a great birthday. Laughing with my hubby and my baby and capturing a fun time exploring on camera. Thanks Aunt Tam for these great birthday pictures!

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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I didn’t.

I mean, I did love my son desperately, but in those first few weeks I didn’t FEEL a lot of love for him. At least not the gooey, lovey-dovey feelings that I expected to feel. What I felt more than anything else was terrified and stressed. I felt so overwhelmingly responsible for my son and his well-being, but I didn’t feel overwhelmingly connected to him.

I vividly remember the first time my mother-in-law saw my son. I could see the love on her face. The first time she saw him she cried. It was beautiful, but honestly, it made me angry. I hadn’t cried when I saw him. How come she felt all this love for him and connection to him, when I didn’t …and he’s MY son!

Then throughout the first few months well-meaning fellow mommies would make comments to me, saying things like, “Isn’t the love you feel for him just amazing and overwhelming?!?” – stuff like that. And I would smile and nod and then go crying to my husband because I was convinced that something was wrong with me. I did love my child, but it was not in any way like the love that people described. It wasn’t at all like the love that I had expected to feel.

Over the past 9 months I have slowly realized as I prayed and worked through some of my fears, as I read other mommy blogs and as I talked to dear friends, that there  wasn’t really anything wrong with me. Some women do feel the gushy-gooey, lovey-dovey feelings for their baby right away, but plenty of other women (like me) don’t. There’s so much to deal with in those early days, when your hormones are out of control and your sleep is sporadic, that for some of us all the other feelings drowned out the lovey-dovey feelings.

For me my relationship with my son didn’t start with a thunder bolt of beauty and revelation, or with an all encompassing overwhelming feeling of love. Instead it started with a small, but unbreakably strong seed. A seed that I have had the joy of watching grow as my child grows. Each day I know him better. Each day I love him more. Sometimes now I am completely awash with love for him. Sometimes it’s so strong that I feel my heart will break from it. Sometimes I feel like I have so much love for him that I can’t get it out fast enough.

But, it wasn’t that way at the beginning. And now that I’m past those early days of motherhood I know that’s ok.

How about you? What did you feel when you had your first child?

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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In writing I can be knowledgeable and confident. I can communicate my thoughts, opinions and passions clearly. I am coherent and articulate. Far too often, in real life I am awkward and uncomfortable, insecure and withdraw. It’s not that I am a different person “in real life” it’s just that in many situations I freeze and clam-up. This especially happens when I’m in groups of people that I feel slightly intimidated by. I hate this about myself.

Why is that? Why do I de-value myself so much that I truly believe I have nothing to contribute to a group of people? Why is it that I love public speaking, and will happily write on a wide variety of topics, but if put on the spot, unscheduled and unprepared, I start to sweat? Why is it that I can feel fairly comfortable in most one-on-one settings, but throw even just one more person into the group and suddenly I feel pressure and the conversation quickly passes me by?

It doesn’t always happen, but it happens enough to frustrate me. Like last Sunday… I blog about mommy topics – food, health, kids, parenting, faith, etc. But, when surrounded by other mom’s in the nursery with all of my favorite topics to write about coming up in conversation I froze and found myself completely without words. What is that?

I hate this about myself. It’s something I’ve hated about myself for a long time, but tonight as I read this post from Holy Experience I decided it was high time to start praying for a change.

Lord, teach me to “like my own skin.”
Teach me what a wonder it is that I am made in Your image.
Fill me so completely with your love for me that I am so full that there is no more room to seek to please others or feel intimidated by them.
Give me a new vision of my place in Your world that I may confidently speak, and move, and be myself with boldness, wherever I may go.
Teach me to value that which you have put in me. Teach me to value myself – not because I am worth, for, in truth, I am nothing without you, but teach me to value myself because you are worth and you have clothed me with yourself.
In Jesus precious name, Amen.

Does anyone else struggle with this? If so, what has helped you?

Rejoicing in the Journey -
Bethany Stedman

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First, why put ads on my site?

I’ll be honest, I really struggled with whether or not to put ads on my site. I have had this site since 2007 and I’ve never put ads up until now. I sometimes thought about it, because we could definitely use the money, but I always decided against it. Blogging was my hobby and I didn’t want the pressure to make money from it to kill the joy I received from doing it. I also thought to myself, “I won’t really be able to make money from it; I can’t really BE a blogger. I’m not good enough, so why stress myself out trying? Why not just leave it as it is and just enjoy writing when I want to?” I feared I would fail if I tried to make a little income from it, and usually when I fear failure I decide not to try at all.

I also feared that people would be annoyed by the ads, judge me for it, and value my site less because of it. Well, I realize now that this fear was sort of silly – most bloggers have ads up. As a reader of literally hundreds of blogs I personally don’t mind ads at all especially when they are content appropriate to the site. So, if other readers are anything like me, putting up ads shouldn’t be a problem for them. So, that fear wasn’t too hard to get over.

Here’s what it came down to for me though…

A few weeks ago I wrote a whole post about valuing myself and my work. In many ways adding advertisements and affiliate programs to the site has been a way for me to value my own contribution to the world and the work that I do. I put in a lot of time blogging and it’s not wrong for me to want to make some money from it (sometimes I still feel like it is, though, what is that? Why do I feel guilty for wanting to help support my family by doing something I love?)

Anyway, it took me a while to process through all of that and come to a place where I was ready to try to make a little income through my writing. So, this is me trying. So, here’s a bit about what I desire for these ads to be…

My Current Ad Philosophy:

I want my ads to add value for my readers. I want to post ads for good, quality products that I think my readers will need, want, or already be looking for.

I will personally select what ads go up on my site. That means no randomly generated Google ads. If you see an ad up on the site it means that I personally looked at the company and I like what they are selling.

I want my ads to look ascetically pleasing and to not distract from the content of the site or annoy my readers. This means no pop up ads and I will probably at least limit my use of banners and flash ads.

My current ads:

First off, all of the ads currently on my site are affiliate links. That means that if you click on them and then end up buying something from them I’ll get a small commission. Ok, so let’s talk about each of the current ads individually:

Real Food Nutrition & Health:
This is a text book written for home schooling families that outlines health and nutrition from a clearly real food perspective. It was written by Kristen at Food Renegade. Many of you may have noticed that I have been participating in “Fight Back Friday’s” over at Food Renegade. I love Kristen’s site and I am super excited to promote this book. I just got my copy of it and plan on starting it tonight. I will definitely write a full review of the book once I finish it. I personally am really excited about this because I was homeschooled and would have LOVED to have this for a text book. I also am seriously considering homeschooling my son (and any other future children I may have) so I’m excited that to have this as a resource down the road.

Story-Formed Calendar:
This is NOT a paid ad and as of this time I receive NO commission for this link. I put this up because I love it and it supports a very dear friend of mine. My friend and mentor, Tara, makes these calendars. They are calendars centered on the Christian church calendar. It’s filled with beautiful pictures taken by Tara and other photographers I know (this year’s calendar even has one of my own pictures in it). I love the idea of centering our lives in God’s story and time. Click on the link and learn more about this wonderful tool for worship and daily life.

Nurtured Family:

This boutique sells products for mom’s and babies – things like cloth diapers, nursing bras, baby carriers and other such items. I’ll be honest I only recently learned about this store and I haven’t bought anything from them yet (we have a bit of a no spending rule in place at the moment). But, I have looked through the site quite a bit and there are definitely tons of things I’d love to have from this beautiful boutique. I feel good about supporting this store and advertising them on my site.

Mountain Rose Herbs:

This on-line store carries organic herbs, essential oils and teas. They have been in business since 1987 and they have a great reputation. They guarantee that they “will never sell or stock products that are more than a few months from harvest (except for seasonal items)” so you are certain that the products you buy from them will be fresh and high quality. There were also the “first U.S. supplier of Fair Trade Certified medicinal herbs” and they have extensive policies about recycling and re-using. In fact they are a “Zero Waste” company – meaning that “any perceived materials which might be regarded as waste are either recycled, re-used, composted, reclaimed, or brought back into the production cycle”. I am really excited to support this beautiful company and their wonderful products.

Amazon:

I have an affiliate account with Amazon so pretty much anytime that I link to Amazon from my site it is an affiliate link. This means that if you buy something from Amazon after getting there from my link then I will receive a very small, but very appreciated commission.

Best for Babes:

This isn’t a paid ad – it’s something that I believe in and want to support and promote. Check it out!
Alright, that’s it for now. There may be other one’s up in the near future – just know that they will always be personally approved by me. If you ever have a question or concern about an ad on the site please contact me and let me know.

I am also very interested in selling ad space on my site (of course only for companies that fit with my values and the topics addressed on this site). So, if you have a company that you would like to advertise on bethstedman.com please contact me. I’d love to discuss options with you.

Finally, I’d like to ask all of you, my readers and friends, what do you think? Do you have any feedback on the ads I have right now and on how I have placed them on the site? Do you have any feedback in general about including ads or not including ads? Do you have any suggestions about additional ways for me to make an income from this site so that I can continue to spend a good deal of time bringing you what I hope is value-adding, quality content? I truly value your opinions and would love to hear your thoughts. Leave a comment or contact me directly.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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First up, I love Dutch Baby Pancakes. I tried making them with soaked flour recently and with sourdough, but neither of them turned out very well, so these ones were a special treat. Whole wheat Dutch Baby’s with coconut milk and maple syrup.

A few weeks ago a good friend of ours organized a charity walk/run to raise support for at risk children here in Prague. It was a really great afternoon and they raised a good amount of money. Here are a few pictures from our time there:

I love my husband so much and my “little man”. These pictures of my boys are from mother’s day and they make me smile:

Hope you enjoyed this little peek into my life. There will be more to come next week… well, probably.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Beth Stedman

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I am fully aware of the fact that I can’t do it all. I have heard it time and time again. I know that we are finite and our time is finite. But, why do I still feel guilty when I can’t get it all done? Why do I still feel guilty when my kitchen is a mess and there are toys all over my living room, even when I baked all morning and my bread basket is full?

Even though I know that I can’t do it all, I still WANT to do it all. I still hate that I can’t do it all and every day I fight against my own limitations. I fight to try. I know that I can’t do it all but I still try to do it all – some days I even plan to do it all. I plan on doing the dishes, picking up the house, getting all the laundry done, making three healthy homemade meals, taking care of my son, spending time with my husband, reading and commenting on blogs, writing blogs, responding to emails, working on the book I’m writing, watering the plants, and on and on and on. Instead of accepting my limitations, embracing them and striving for the attainable, I put everything imaginable on my to-do list and strive for the unachievable. I sabotage myself.

And then when the dishes don’t get done, I haven’t showered in three days, and the laundry isn’t finished I get depressed. I feel like a failure. I am flooded with guilt. And with the guilt comes hopelessness. When I begin to focus on all that I have NOT accomplished I become overwhelmed and paralyzed, and I forget to focus on all that I HAVE accomplished.

What if instead of focusing on my failures I began to focus on my successes? If focusing on the fact that I didn’t do the dishes today (or most of this week) brings guilt, would focusing on my successes (however small they may be) bring encouragement and motivation? If focusing on my failures makes me feel hopeless, would focusing on my little triumphs make me feel hopeful? That’s what I need today and good dose of HOPE. Do you?

So here’s my little list of successes for today:

• I made sourdough zucchini and apple muffins
• I made meatball subs for dinner completely from scratch (I made the bread, sauce and meatballs)
• I went to the post office
• I went to the BIO store (Czech version of a health food store)
• I made the bed
• I spent yet another day nursing my baby on demand and playing, reading and singing with him
• I spent time with my husband and had some really nice talks with him about life and work
• I read a few blog posts
• I talked with my mom for a bit and made some plans for our trip back to the states this summer
• I wrote this blog and took these pictures

Ok, maybe it’s not that much, but it’s something. I can’t do it all, but I can do some things. I choose today to focus on the things I have accomplished instead of focusing on my failures. I’m not a bad homemaker, just an imperfect one – but aren’t we all?

What were your little triumphs and successes today?

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

This post has been entered in the Mom’s 30 Minute Blog Challenge carnival at Steady Mom. Check out the link for lots of other great posts.

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So, that’s a little bit of my parents and the background I was born into, but what’s my story…well…

I “accepted Christ” when I was 5 years old because they had talked about hell at church. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs with my mom and praying “the sinner’s prayer”. I was terrified of going to hell and my decision to accept Christ was based almost solely on that fear. The fear of hell then haunted me for years; I remember asking Jesus into my heart nearly every night for most of my childhood.

In 8^th grade my mom baptized me in a friend’s pool. That was the beginning of what I could call the “God years”. High school was for me a time when I deeply pursued God and felt his presence. I was involved in everything and would spend long hours praying and reading scripture. I was good – I did my devotionals, I obeyed my parents, I didn’t party, I got good grades. Looking back I can recognize that in many ways I thought I could earn my way into God’s favor and out of hell.

It wasn’t until freshman year of college that things started to really fall apart and I had what could classically be called a “crisis of faith”. I think I had always carried a lot of doubt and questions in my mind and heart when it came to God, but there were some things that happened during this time in my life that really brought those questions to the forefront. Suddenly nothing seemed solid and God didn’t seem to fit in the nice neat box I had been told (and had believed) He should fit in.

There are a lot of things that eventually lead to the quieting of those questions (notice I said quieting and not resolving). I think one of the most significant things that brought me through that time in my life were a handful of very dear friends. God surrounded me with people who weren’t afraid to let me really dig into the questions. He brought people into my life, who really listened to me, and spoke truth to me and were willing to share their own struggles with God. I don’t think I had ever before that time seen someone honestly and authentically struggle with God and that made my own struggle seem so terrifying. But, in a few close friends in particular I saw people who struggled openly with God, and people who loved God desperately even while they struggled with him. And that gave me incredible freedom to wrestle with God myself.

This was also when I first began to realize that the narratives and theologies that I had grown up with weren’t the only Christian answers to the questions. I became to discover that Christians had answered theological questions differently throughout history and there was not a consistent theological narrative like I had always thought. But, I also began to see that even with all the diversity in the church throughout history God was still clearly at work and His spirit was clearly moving among his people.

It was also around this time that I began blogging and reading blogs and I discovered that there were other people out there were in the same boat I was in. Knowing that others were asking the same questions, wrestling with God and with his church, was incredibly freeing for me. Knowing that others were also re-thinking what it really means to be a Christian, to walk with Jesus, to love Him and love people was incredibly encouraging to me.

Eventually I came to a place where I could love God for Himself and not what I thought he was or should be. Eventually I came to a place where I could choose to follow him even if I didn’t understand him. Since then God and I have been on a wild journey of discovery. He continues to take me inward, allowing me to ask all the difficult questions that arise in my soul, allowing me to live the questions, and walking through them with me.

There is still so much farther I have to walk with God. He is still so unknown to me. There are still places of my heart that I keep hidden. There are still questions that I haven’t found answers for. There are still places of brokenness in my soul that need to be healed. There are still sins in my life that need to be washed. There are still journeys God and I need to take.

So, I just keep walking, clinging to faith and trusting that God walks beside me.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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So, far this has been a great weekend. We took a little day trip with some friends yesterday and had a little picnic out at a nearby castle. It was so nice to get out of the city and have some time with great friends. Thaddeus loved the outing too and even took great naps yesterday! Yay!

Today is also off to a great start too. I was laughing to myself this morning as I thought about the things I wanted for Mother’s Day. It was all stuff that sounds sort of basic and trivial. And it was all stuff that I did pretty much every day before having kids and totally took for granted. Here’s my list of what I wanted for Mother’s Day (don’t laugh – or judge me… please).

1. To take a shower and get dressed first thing in the morning.
   Honestly, I shower sporadically since having a baby, usually only a couple of times a week and almost never first thing in the morning. It’s just hard to find time – it’s hard to shower while Thad is napping because our bathroom is right next to where he sleeps and it will sometimes wake him up. Even if he doesn’t wake up his naps are often only 30 minutes which means that if I shower there’s no time to pick up, do the dishes, do the laundry, or anything else. So, often no shower. Thankfully, this is one mother’s day gift I’ve already gotten. Today I was showered and dressed before breakfast thanks to my sweet hubby taking the baby!
2. To eat.
   Hehehe – I do normally eat, don’t worry. But, it’s hard to really sit down and have three full meals since having a baby. I usually can eat a distracted breakfast while watching Thad and I try to snack often throughout the day, but I usually don’t really eat a full meal until Thaddeus is in bed for the night. So, today I told Bryan I want to actually have a good breakfast, lunch and dinner… oh and desert too. So, the plan is Dutch Babies with Coconut syrup for breakfast, Pumpkin Curry Soup with Sourdough Crackers for lunch, a big salad with a variety of veggies and nuts and cheese and all kinds of goodness for dinner. And for dessert… homemade Cheesecake! Yummy!
3. To get caught up on reading some books and blogs.
   I have so many great blogs in my google reader and so many interesting books I want to read and usually no undisturbed time to do either, or at least not very much of either. I’m looking forward to having a little bit of relaxed reading time today.
4. To edit the pictures in my camera.
   I haven’t been taking as many pictures since having a child as I did before, but the few that I have taken have sat in my camera for weeks now without anything being done to them. I don’t have a lot of time without the baby when I can work on photography lately and I miss it so I’m also really looking forward to getting some of this done.

Well, that’s what I’m hoping for today. I’ll leave you with some Mommy Links to check out:

• I really want to see the movie Babies.
• I liked this poem this week. Favorite line: “This belly grew a baby, Why should it be flat? It curves with the memory of the womb.”
• Here’s an idea for a Mother’s Day brunch which sounds really yummy! I particularly want to try the Coconut-dipped Strawberries.
• I found this study interesting. Yet another reason to cuddle your baby today.
• I thought this was a helpful resource for praying for your children. I think I might want to make my own prayer calendar for Thaddeus… we’ll see.
• I was inspired by this 10 point Mother’s Manifesto from Holy Experience.

What do you want this Mother’s Day? What “Mommy Links” have you found interesting or helpful this week?

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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I think growing up in the church didn’t help this. For much of my life the sin of pride was communicated to be paramount and something to be absolutely avoided. For fear of becoming proud I degraded myself. Ironically, when we fear pride and run from it we can become proud of our humility and thus fall by the same trap we were avoiding.

In some ways maybe growing up around incredibly intelligent and talented people didn’t help either. I often fall prey to comparing myself to others and it doesn’t take long in this activity before I feel inferior and even worthless.

Whatever they are, when it really comes down to it the reasons and sources for this lack of value I feel towards myself, don’t really matter. The fact is that I have a very bad habit of degrading myself and my work and it’s something I feel I need to change.

By devaluing my own skills and contributions I am essentially burying my “talents” in the sand. I am devaluing God’s image within me. I am saying to my creator “You did not create well.” When I say “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body of Christ,” and I deny my contribution to that body, I am not just devaluing myself, I am devaluing the Bride of Christ. May it not be, Lord.

So, I’m trying to learn. I’m trying to learn that I do have valuable things to offer my family, friends, church and the world at large. I do have skills that are worth something.

There are a few little steps that I am currently tentatively trying to take towards valuing myself and my work:

1. 1. I want to recognize that it isn’t sinful to accept recognition or praise. This is a struggle for me. It makes me really uncomfortable when people compliment me and I’ve never known how to accept it. I want to get better at this – I don’t want to run from compliments (of course, I also don’t want to seek them out and dig for them). I want to learn to be truthfully gracious when faced with recognition.
2. I don’t want to be ashamed to ask for compensation for skills or services that I am offering. Money makes me uncomfortable, it always has. I don’t like talking about it. But, the truth of the matter is that our budget is incredibly tight right now and I can’t afford to offer my skills for free, but I want to. For me the battle over what to charge for things like the yoga class I’m planning on starting is a struggle against my own degradation of the gifts and abilities that God has given me. I devalue myself when I offer my knowledge and experience for free (that’s not to say that there aren’t good reasons to sometimes offer our skills for free, but I’m just realizing that most of the time the reasons that I have for offering my abilities for free aren’t really all that healthy).

Does anybody else struggle with this? What are things that have helped you to see value in yourself as a talented creation of God?

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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