I felt weak, scared and tired. I didn’t feel like “one tough mamma.” Shell kept saying, “you’re so strong.” But, I didn’t believe her, I couldn’t believe her. I didn’t feel strong. I felt weak, in fact I felt all of the weaknesses and inadequacies that I’d wrestled with ever since becoming a mother two years ago come rushing over me. I felt like I couldn’t do it… and so I couldn’t. I didn’t really want to push her out. I was scared of feeling “that pain” again. I was scared of bleeding too much (as I had with Thaddeus). I was scared that she would be just as difficult as Thad was and scared that I wouldn’t be able to handle having two kids. I was scared that the pain was going to continue forever and just wanted it to be over, but I didn’t want to go through the only door that would make the pain stop.

Finally, I muttered out something about feeling discouraged. Shell decided to do an internal to see what was going on. I remember her putting her fingers against my coccyx on the inside and telling me that was where the baby needed to go, that I needed to push the baby into that space. I knew she was right and I tried to do what she was asking, but it was a half hearted attempt. As soon as she had touched that area I was flooded with the muscle memory of Thad’s birth, I remembered that spot and the pain it took to push Thad past it (Thad had gotten stuck at my coccyx since it hadn’t moved out of the way like it should have, Shell had to pull it out of the way and we are pretty sure I either broke or bruised it during that labor). The memory of that felt so tangible and I couldn’t bring myself to push past it.

It was at this point that Shell suggested we do something she called “the rotisserie” and took a moment to describe it to us. Basically the laboring women lays on her back for a contraction or two pushing her lower back into the floor then turns to lay on her side with her top leg bent and bottom leg relatively stretched out for a contraction or two and then on hands and knees for a contraction or two and then on the other side for a contraction or two and then back to her back for a contraction or two.

We did two rotations this way. I have never known pain like that. It was beyond intense, it was unbearable. I remember kind of hating Shell in that moment for making me do this. Normally I deal with contractions with a fair amount of movement so having to be in one position the whole contraction was excruciating and the fact that most of those positions were not comfortable positions for me made it extra hard.

During my last rotation Shell turned the water on in the bath and started filling it up, I can’t really explain the feeling I felt when I heard that tub turn on. On the one hand I was sort of ecstatic thinking that the end of the rotisserie must be soon and imagining how nice the water would feel. I spent almost all of my labor with Thad in the tub and felt such relief from that. Earlier in labor the tub had come up – I think my sister asked if I was going to use it – and I hesitated and didn’t really know how to answer. Shell said something about how it seemed I wanted to see which came first if I reached my breaking point or if the baby came. I remember thinking she was exactly right.

As I did that rotisserie and heard the tub filling up I knew I had reached my breaking point and it was time for the tub – really I felt like I had reached my breaking point long before this and was just so far past the breaking point as to be completely desperate by this time. I was also angry as the tub filled up though, because I just wanted to get in it right then, and Shell asked me to do another set on my back and on my side – I remember feeling really angry in that moment. I didn’t want to do any more. I wanted to get in the tub. I didn’t think I was capable of doing any more – I was already broken into pieces, there wasn’t any strength left. But, then I did it. When I thought that I was completely unable to, when I thought I had no strength left, when I thought I was already broken as far as I could be…I did it. I broke more. And even without strength I pressed through…screamed through, but made it.

When I finally got in the tub it was such a relief, but things were still moving pretty fast and intense. I remember the water felt like it was really cold to me, even though Shell and Bryan kept telling me that it was plenty warm. I shivered and turned on the hot anyway.

By this point I really wanted it over. I pushed a bit in the tub, but quickly felt like I had to pooh. I got out and went to the toilet. I poohed a little and worked through a contraction on the toilet and then it hit… My bottom split open – or at least that’s what it felt like. I jumped off the toilet and cried out “she’s coming!” Bryan had just then gone to get me more water, so Shell hollered for him to come back and he was there a second later. It was then that I really started to push.

I reached up to feel the head as I had with Thaddeus. It felt so different, so smooth, I was a little freaked out at first. It wasn’t until later that I realized what I was feeling wasn’t exactly the head – it was the head still wrapped in the membranes since my waters hadn’t broken yet.

I squatted in a sort of half kneeling half squatting position and pushed, Shell and Bryan pushed in on my hips from either side. I pushed more. There was a popping feeling and sound as my waters broke. It was 3:22am. I pushed more and reached down (Shell said I actually pushed her hands out of the way, but I don’t totally remember that) what I do remember is Bryan and I together catching our beautiful little girl. She was born at 3:25am on labor day, September 5th. She had her hand up by her ear and her chin tilted up instead of tucked down, which explained some of why the pain had been so intense.

I laid her down on the floor in front of me and waited a minute or two till I was feeling like I was back in my body and ready to pick her up. I held her for a moment, but felt pretty shaky and laid her back down in front of me as Shell gave me a shot of pitocin (we had decided to do pitocin right away after the birth since we had some concerns about hemorrhaging). Shell also gave me a drink of Chinese herbs after the shot.

After the cord had stopped pulsating we cut the cord. I remember asking Shell about waiting till I delivered the placenta and having her tell me with a little bit of urgency in her voice that she wanted to get it cut and me laying down. She showed me the cord then and it had clearly stopped pulsating so Bryan went ahead and cut it. Shell then had me lay down with the baby on my chest/belly. Bryan and Shell both kept telling me to look at them and keep my eyes open, which I remember being really annoyed with because I thought I felt fine… just tired. I remember thinking, “It’s all over now so why can’t I just rest for a second?” I also remember feeling a lot of pressure from the placenta and feeling so relieved when it was delivered. Shell said something about it coming out a different way from normal, something about how placentas coming out that way are more commonly low laying in the uterus.

Bryan was asking me what song was playing on the playlist, it was A Thankful Heart, which was the first song that had played from the playlist back at the beginning of my labor. He kept telling me to keep my eyes open and I still felt annoyed. By this point I couldn’t stop shaking, which is not uncommon for women after birth. Shell gave me some oxygen and kept asking “are you with us? Bethany! Look at me.” I guess I must have looked much worse than I felt.

Shell checked me out and told us my bleeding was really light (a big relief), she also told us I didn’t need any stitches (of course that was also a relief). I think she checked my heart rate and blood pressure as well and all was normal. She told us that physically I was perfectly fine. Nothing was wrong with me. But, she and Bryan still seemed worried about me and wouldn’t let me close my eyes. For the next little bit they seemed to focus on keeping me from passing out. Bryan brought me a couple of spoonfuls of raw honey and that seemed to really help. Once I started to feel a bit better I really wanted to sit up since my back hurt and I still felt pressure while laying on it.

I sat up, leaning against the bathroom cabinets and held Sage. It was the first time I really truly looked at her. Bryan sat next to me and we both just stared at her. It was a really sweet moment for all of us and I was glad that we were able to enjoy that time for a little while. I nursed Sage a little, but she wasn’t all that interested. I remember Shell telling us that the song that had been playing when Sage was born was “Hey Jude” – I hadn’t even noticed.

After a bit, Shell took Sage to look her over and weight her. It was about then that Brie came in carrying Thaddeus. Thad cuddled up to me and together, with Bryan next to us, we all watched as Shell checked Sage out.

She weighed 5 pounds 15 ounces and was 18.5 inches long. Shell guessed by her reflexes and size that she was actually about 38.5 weeks gestation (we had already been speculating that my original estimated due date was wrong and this confirmed it). She was a tiny little one, but healthy and strong with the most beautiful rudy coloring.

After Shell was done I got cleaned up and crawled into bed with Sage. Shell took a short nap before checking us out again and heading home to get some rest. Bryan got Thad breakfast and played with him. And thus began our very long first day as a family of four.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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I remember crying at the library. I checked email on the ipad while there and I got a really sweet and encouraging message from my friend, Melissa. In a moment when I was feeling especially discouraged about still being pregnant (I was a week past my estimated due date) she told me she was proud of me and wrote this “So today, instead of saying when is this baby going to get here?! I want you to say ‘I am one tough mama, I can handle this!! I can be patient for nature. Not everyone does this and I am proud of myself for waiting it out!!’ and give yourself a nice pat on the back. Or just pat your belly if that is easier.” It made me smile and then cry. And it made me feel a little better too. Little did I know how much I would need to hear, and remember her words that I was one tough momma in the hours to come.

My labor really got started Sunday evening around 6pm. I’d been having contractions steadily all afternoon, but they weren’t really labor contractions, they were just the same tightening feeling that I’d been having since I was about 20 weeks pregnant. But, around 6pm things changed, these contractions were different, they felt like labor. Suddenly as I felt them I remembered, really remembered, my first birth in a whole new way.

I continued having regular labor contractions as I made dinner and put Thaddeus to bed. When a contraction would hit I’d just lean over against the counter and do what I needed to do to deal with it and then go back to making dinner. We had a broccoli and green bean pasta for dinner. Bryan and I split a beer and toasted to the baby being born soon.

Dealing with the contractions got a little harder while putting Thad to sleep as they got more intense while I was nursing him. Thankfully he fell asleep quickly and I only had to work through two or three contractions while putting him to bed.

After Thad was asleep we called our midwife, Shell, and gave her a heads up about what was going on. Then I had some chocolate crème brûlée that my dad had made the night before and we tried to watch some tv. That didn’t last long.

It was getting later and things were moving along well so we started getting some stuff ready – moving birth supplies into the bedroom, changing the sheets on the bed, etc. We put on the playlist of songs I had made for the birth and danced our way through a few contractions. Shell called back to see how things were going and told us she was on her way. We called my sister and asked her to come be with Thad in case he woke up. We texted my mom (since we knew she was up any way because of the time difference in Cebu) and I sent off a quick email to some close friends who had agreed to pray with me throughout the last few weeks of pregnancy.

When Shell got here she started setting up her stuff, and helped me through a few contractions. Then we all moved out into the kitchen. Shell had one of dad’s crème brûlée’s and a coffee. Bryan and I had some tea and we all just sat and talked in-between contractions. Shell shared stories with us that made us laugh. (She really should write her memoirs some day – I know I would love to read that!)

Soon Brie arrived and joined us for a crème brûlée of her own and plenty of her own energy and talkativeness. The contractions at this point were difficult but manageable and Shell kept saying “I think you’ll be surprised. I think your farther along then you think you are.” which was of course an encouraging thing to hear.

After everyone had finished their desert and drinks we moved back into the bedroom and Shell did an internal exam – more for the opportunity to turn the baby since she was still posterior than to find out how dilated I was, but it was encouraging when she told us that my cervix was dilated to a five on it’s own but could easily stretch to an eight. My sister asked something about how much longer Shell thought it would be and Shell said something to the extent of it being up to me, that my cervix wasn’t really the issue, and it would quickly open and stretch as it needed to once I was ready and about how it was going to be more about me being ready and not afraid to push…or something like that. It was getting harder for me to concentrate at this point.

After I was checked Brie and Bryan started laying down the plastic floor covering stuff that we got to protect the carpet (my dad was worried we’d ruin the carpet in his bathroom again, like we had when my son was born). The stuff we got this time had adhesive on one side so it actually stuck to the carpet and didn’t slide around. It worked really well. My sister got really into the job of covering the carpet and even made a little “run way” from where I was laboring on the floor in the bedroom to the bathroom. It even had an arrow in the middle made out of duct tape. We all got a little chuckle out of it.

It was nice to laugh during labor – my labor with Thaddeus had been really, intense and heavy and even contemplative. Up to this point in my labor with Sage things were much lighter, more relaxed, and I felt much more present and grounded.

Once we moved into the bathroom with everything all set up I hit what I’m going to call the peeing stage of my labor. By this point the baby was very low in my pelvis and putting a lot of pressure on my bladder. For a while this was the pattern that was my reality – have a contraction, go to the toilet and pee, come back out, feel thirsty and have something to drink, have another contraction, get up again to pee, again have something to drink. It went on like this with me peeing about every two minutes for quite a while.

Then things slowed down a bit. I remember my sister asking numerous times “what are we waiting for?” and looking at her phone. I remember her asking Shell how much longer she thought it would be and how far along she thought I was now. I didn’t realize it at first but her anxiety and desire for it to be over started rubbing off on me. I was the one who really wanted it to be over, I was the one working through the pain every few minutes! My stress level rose.

I remember telling them that I felt a lot of pressure (which isn’t surprising since the baby was very low by now) and that I kind of wanted to push but didn’t really feel ready. Shell told me if I wanted to push I could try and that if I wasn’t ready it wouldn’t really do anything. For the next few contractions I pushed. Shell listened to the babies heart rate, which sounded great. The pushing felt nice with the contractions, but it didn’t really do anything.

I started to feel discouraged as Brie asked again “what are we waiting for”. There started to be longer distances between contractions. I remember during a particularly long break between contractions I thought to myself “you need to ask brie to leave” it was clear as day and I knew it was what I needed for everything to pick back up again. But I wrestled with telling her for what felt like a mini-eternity. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, I knew she had said she really wanted to be at the birth. I had planned on having her video the birth and take pictures (as long as Thad didn’t wake up), since I was always a little sad that I didn’t have video/pictures of Thad’s birth. Would brie take it the wrong way, or would she understand? I struggled with these things for a while, but I knew I had to ask her to leave. So, I asked her to go, and she did, and pretty much immediately things picked up again.

…. check back tomorrow for the rest of the story…

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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So, instead of writing a real post I’ll just give you that little update, share a few new belly pictures.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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So, I decided I needed something to keep me distracted and cheer me up a little…my solution: cake. Something sweet and moist and yummy, but also somewhat healthy and fortifying. So, I made up my own recipe for groaning cake. The idea of the groaning cake is a cake that a women makes while in early labor, that she can then eat during and after labor to give her strength and energy. There are other traditions and superstitions that go along with the whole idea, and generally I find the concept fascinating. Seems like a good idea to me too… Something to keep you distracted in early labor, and provide you with much needed calories after labor.

At first I thought maybe my idea for cake was a little too ambitious, since I’ve been reacting to eggs lately, and making a cake without eggs isn’t exactly easy. But, I think I ended up making something that worked really well. I really liked how it turned out (granted my sister also tried it and didn’t like it at all, but my husband and toddler both liked it too so I figured three out of four was pretty good).

The cake has a dark, molasses-like, gram cracker-like, flavor. It’s not very sweet, but I don’t like things overly sweet anyway anymore. Here’s the recipe as I made it, along with the additions I plan on making when I do the next test run this week. If all goes as planned and the second cake turns out as well as the first (not to mention if the baby comes during the day and I’m up for cake making in early labor) I plan on making this cake as a birth day cake for baby girl.

Beth’s Groaning Cake

Ingredients:

2 or 3 plums (I used yellow plums, I think other fruits would work well too – I might try apples or cherries)
2 tablespoons yogurt (I used vanilla flavored sheep’s yogurt)
1/3 cup coconut oil
1/3 cup milk (I used whole raw milk)
1/3 cup pure maple syrup
1/3 cup coconut sugar
1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup mesquite flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda

Additions I plan on trying next time:

2 tablespoons hemp hearts
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 tablespoons nutritional yeast
Some chopped walnuts

Directions:

Mix all ingredients, except plums, together.  Grease a cake pan with a bit of coconut oil and preheat oven to 350. Slice plums and arrange half the slices on the bottom of the pan. Pour cake mixture into pan. Arrange the rest of the plum slices on top of the cake. Bake for about 45 minutes or until done.

Have any of you heard of the tradition of a groaning cake?

Or made one yourself? If so, what was it like?

Or do you have any nutrient dense yumminess you think I should include next time I make this cake?

Rejoicing in the journey -

Bethany Stedman

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I am 32 weeks pregnant this week and today I turn 29. In honor of these two significant numbers in my life this week I’m going to share with you all 3 things I’m praying for this baby + 2 things I’m praying for this birth. Then I’m gonna share 2 things I’m praying for this coming year + 9 things I’m thankful for from this past year.

3 + 2:

1. I’m praying that this baby is a much calmer baby than Thad was – that she doesn’t have colic, that she sleeps well, that she’s not as sensitive as her brother, and generally that she’s the kind of baby her daddy was and not the kind of baby I was.
2. I’m praying that she is light and joy. Maybe it sounds strange, but the first time I thought to myself “I think I’m pregnant” was on winter solstice, when light starts coming back into the world. Ever since then, I have had this prayer that I want this baby to bring light and joy. God knows that after this past few months Bryan and I and our whole family really need a ray of light and joy.
3. I’m praying that this baby girl is wise beyond her years. I’m praying that although she would be full of joy and light and bring those things to all who know her that she would not be trivial or flighty. I pray that there would be a solidity and a wisdom to her that would be at the root of her joyfulness.

+

1. I, of course, pray for a healthy birth for me and baby girl. I pray that there would be no complications, no need to transfer to the hospital, and for a quick and healthy afterbirth delivery with no excessive bleeding or hemorrhaging. I pray that the baby would have no problems and would adjust quickly to life outside the womb.
2. I also pray for this birth that it would be a more grounded, joyful experience than my first birth. Thaddeus’ birth was beautiful and intimate, but it was also shockingly intense and overwhelming. I feel like I know more of what to expect this time and I hope and pray that will make it less intense and shocking and enable me to be more grounded and joyful in the process. My first birth was also a very intimate experience between Bryan and I, which I loved, but this time I feel the need for more feminine energy, involvement, and nurturing, and pray that I can find that.

2 + 9:

1. This coming year feels so uncertain for me still and so I pray often for clarity and guidance as we step into it.
2. I also pray for place…for a place that we can belong and feel at home. A place where we can rest, heal, connect, feel supported, grow into ourselves, etc.

+

1. I’m thankful for our friendship with the Stewart family over this past year. We haven’t seen them in six months, but they were a life-line of support, creativity, love and friendship for us the first half of my 28th year and I am so grateful that I know that no matter where life takes them and us they will always be dear friends.
2. Another couple that was such a blessing to Bryan and I this past year is the Schwenders. Carrie and Mathias, we are so grateful for you both and all that you have done for us. We miss you guys – miss our prayer times, drinking times, Friends watching times, Želivka picnicking times, and just being with you both!
3. I’m also grateful that for half of this past year of my life I got to meet regularly with some of the most beautiful women I know. The three of you were an enormous encouragement to me! Thank you!
4. I’m thankful that this year Thaddeus moved out of the baby stage and into the toddler stage. Sure there are struggles with having a toddler, but I am so grateful for his growing independence and most of all his growing vocabulary. The first year of motherhood was so hard for me, and I’m so grateful that this second year has been much better.
5. As always, I’m thankful for Bryan. I can’t imagine walking through life with anyone else. He is an encouragement, strength, and deep friend. Bryan, I love you, and I really like you too! I would rather spend time with you than anyone else in the world. Thank you for the amazing husband and father you have been, especially in this past year. Whatever comes, I’m glad we get to face it together.
6. The past few years have been difficult for us financially, but as I look back especially over this past year I can see time and time again how God has stepped in and provided for us, occasionally in big ways, but more often in little ways – like the time when I really wanted butter, but Bryan hadn’t been paid on a project yet and we literally didn’t have money for butter that week, but found EXACTLY the amount for butter in coins on the street while taking a walk. I’m really thankful for God’s provision over this past year.
7. I’m so thankful that we started co-sleeping and have kept that up this whole past year. It was one of the best things that happened for me this year.
8. I’m thankful that we were able to come back to the states when we did and that we’ve been able to see my chiropractor and midwife and spend time with family and friends here for the past few months.
9. I’m thankful for the baby growing in my womb. As difficult as this pregnancy has been and even with as freaked out and unprepared as I sometimes feel to have two kids, I am so thankful for this baby girl and so excited to meet her in just a few more weeks.

Well, hope you enjoyed this little look into my current thoughts and prayers. Maybe someday my blog will go back to being slightly less personal, but for now it’s just nice to write about where I’m at. Thanks for continuing to read

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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For months before that moment I had been doing research and gathering information about weaning and when to wean and I had known pretty quickly that I didn’t want to wean my son by a year or anywhere near then, but it was at that moment in church when I really realized that I really believed in extended breastfeeding and I wanted to nurse my son until the day when he and I both felt ready to stop.

When I realized that I wanted to nurse my child into toddlerhood, I was prepared for the social and societal reproductions. I expected that I would face the constant question of “when are you going to wean?” I expected stares when I nursed I public, I expected disapproval from some who didn’t understand the physical and emotional benefits of it for both me and my child. I expected quickly reaching a point where I was nursing the oldest child in my circle of friends. What I hadn’t expected or prepared myself for was what actually happened.

Fast forward a few months to January of this year when I found out I was pregnant with our second child. I was honestly ecstatic. I felt ready to have another child and excited to grow our family. I knew right away that I wanted to keep nursing Thaddeus and tandem nurse my children together. I expected that this too would come with it’s own social stigmas and difficulties. I didn’t expect what actually happened.

Fast forward a few more months… Now my son is almost 19 months old and I am almost five months pregnant with our second child. This pregnancy, and life in general, have been hard over the past few months and it’s taken a toll on my body. I’ve struggled to put on weight and wrestled with severe allergies/sensitivities, regular headaches, hives, and frequent nausea. My chiropractor and acupuncturist have both recommended that I wean Thaddeus for the sake of my health and the health of this new baby. My midwife has stayed more neutral, and although she hasn’t seemed to think that weaning was essential right now, she has also said that weaning might be good for me if things get worse. These aren’t mainline medical professionals, these aren’t formula advocates, these are people who believe in breastfeeding and who encourage extended breastfeeding. These are people I wouldn’t have expected to encourage me to wean.

As I face these recommendations I am once again realizing that sometimes unexpected circumstances get in the way of our expectations for how we want to raise our children and the kind of parents we want to be. I am now faced with the question, “to wean or not to wean?” Do I stick to my guns, hold on to my beliefs about extended nursing and press on hoping that the cost to my health and the health of this unborn baby is minimal or none existent in the end? Or do I let go of my ideal and my guilt and wean, as people I trust have suggested? Is it possible that there is some sort of middle ground between the options?

I don’t want to be pig headed and ignore wise advice. I want to get healthy and do whatever I need to in order to insure a healthy and safe pregnancy for myself and this new baby. But, on the other hand my son has recently gone through a lot of change. In the past month and a half we have essentially been living somewhere different almost every week and he is in the middle of one of the most unstable, insecure seasons of his young life. It’s clearly taking a toll on him already. How do I wean him in the middle of all that? How do I wean him gently and respect his needs?

Honestly, the idea of weaning a 19 month old scares me to death and completely overwhelms me. And my son is not an easy going 19 month old – he’s a rather stubborn, undistractable, determined 19 month old with a mind of his own. A 19 month old that currently nurses more times than I can count in a day, and regularly more than 5 times a night for long periods. I don’t even know where I would start when it comes to weaning.

I’m sure there are others who have nursed into toddlerhood and then ended up weaning for medical reasons, or because of another pregnancy? How did you do it? Right now I just feel stuck and wish someone would help me see the best path through this season, the best way to balance my needs and the needs of my unborn child with my toddlers needs. If you have any advice I’d love to hear it. Thanks!

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

This post is part of a blog carnival about breastfeeding toddlers hosted by www.blacktating.com

Here’s a list of all the other participants. I can’t wait to read what these great bloggers have to say about extended breastfeeding!

Mamapoeki from Authentic Parenting: Extended Breastfeeding?
Mama Alvina of Ahava & Amara Life Foundation: Breastfeeding Journey Continues
Elita @ Blacktating: The Last Time That Never Was
Diana Cassar-Uhl, IBCLC: Old enough to ask for it
Karianna @ Caffeinated Catholic Mama: A Song for Mama’s Milk
Judy @ Mommy News Blog: My Favorite Moments
Tamara Reese @ Kveller: Extended Breastfeeding
Jenny @ Chronicles of a Nursing Mom: The Highs and Lows of Nursing a Toddler
Christina @ MFOM: Natural-Term Breastfeeding
Rebekah @ Momma’s Angel: My Sleep Breakthrough
Suzi @ Attachedattheboob: Why I love nursing a toddler
Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl: My Hopes for Tandem Nursing
Elisa @ blissfulE: counter cultural: extended breastfeeding
Momma Jorje: Extended Breastfeeding, So Far!
Stephanie Precourt from Adventures in Babywearing: “Continued Breastfeeding”: straight from the mouths of babes
The Accidental Natural Mama: Nurse on, Mama
Sarah @ Reproductive Rites: Gratitude for extended breastfeeding
Nikki @ On Becoming Mommy: The Little Things
Dr. Sarah @ Good Enough Mum: Breastfeeding for longer than a year: myths, facts and what the research really shows
Amy @ WIC City: (Extended) Breastfeeding as Mothering
The Artsy Mama: Why Nurse a Toddler?
Christina @ The Milk Mama: The best thing about breastfeeding
TopHot @ the bee in your bonnet: From the Mouths of Babes
Beth @ Bethstedman.com: Extended Breastfeeding: To Wean Or Not To Wean
Callista @ Callista’s Ramblings: Pressure To Stop Breastfeeding
Amanda @ Postilius: Nursing My Toddler Keeps My Baby Close
Sheryl @ Little Snowflakes: Tandem Nursing- The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Zoie @ Touchstone Z: Breastfeeding Flavors
Lauren @ Hobo Mama: Same old, same old: Extended breastfeeding
Tanya @ Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog: Six misconceptions about extended breastfeeding
Jona (Breastfeedingtwins.org): Breastfeeding older twins
Motherlove Herbal Company: Five reasons to love nursing a toddler

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I still can’t really believe it. I really wanted a girl, but had sort of convinced myself it was a boy. The reality of it is only just starting to sink in. We are so excited to be having a girl and that Thaddeus will be having a little sister.

So, here’s a little bit of what else has been going on.

Pregnancy Journal

I am seeing… My son playing with some new toy blocks my mom got him.

I am hearing… Thaddeus jabbering away to himself.

I am feeling… Nauseous and tired, but encouraged after a good appointment with my chiropractor. And so excited about having a girl!!!

I am craving… My moms sweet and sour meatloaf and ice cream and chocolate chip cookies for dessert…

I am creating… A quilt for my baby girl. I started a quilt with scrapes of pink material when I was pregnant with Thaddeus because in the beginning I sort of thought we would have a girl. Then when we found out he was a boy a started a new one in boy colors. Today I pulled out the old pink scrapes again and re-started the quilt for my girl.

I am reading… I started reading Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids but I only got through the introduction and since it’s a library book I’ll have to return it before we leave for Seattle later this week. Oh, well, guess I’ll just have to check it out again, since I have found it interesting so far.

I am anticipating… Our trip up to Seattle. We leave on Saturday and will be up there for about two months.

A few intentions for this week:
1. Get together with my brother and his wife and kids since they might actually be moving before we get back from Seattle and it might be a while before we see them again.
2. Get together with a few friends before we leave.
3. Do yoga once by myself, without my son climbing on me or trying to nurse during it.
4. Get my mom to make her sweet and sour meatloaf for me

A prayer for the week (borrowed from the Celtic Book Of Daily Prayer):

All that I am, Lord,
I place into your hands.
All that I do, Lord,
I place into your hands.

Everything I work for
I place into your hands.
Everything I hope for
I place into your hands.

The troubles that weary me
I place into your hands.
The thoughts that disturb me
I place into your hands.

Each that I pray for
I place into your hands.
Each that I care for
I place into your hands.

I place into your hands, Lord,
The choices that I face.
Guard me from choosing
The way perilous
Of which the end is heart-pain
And the secret tear.

Rich in counsel,
Show us the way
That is plain and safe.

Amen.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Pregnancy Journal: Week 14

I am seeing… some slow progress. There is a stack of boxes that are full and taped up now and slowly cupboards are emptying and things are getting done. It still looks like a disaster, but when I look closely I can tell it’s not as bad as it was.

I am hearing… the dull sound of my husband listening to a podcast in the other room while he works, the pounding from the workshop right behind our place, the washing machine turning another load of laundry, the click of the keys as I type. Thankfully I’m not hearing my son screaming “moooom, walk! Walk!” as he pulls on my arm (he’s been doing this constantly – “walk” is his word for “come with me”). My sweet friend, Carrie, took Thaddeus outside to play for a while so I could get some stuff done. Thanks, Carrie!!

I am feeling… nauseous. I’ve felt nauseous pretty much non-stop so far this pregnancy, but there were a few days last week were it wasn’t CONSTANT, this week it’s back to a constant feeling. YUCK! I am hoping that as I move farther into my second trimester there will be some relieve, but I also know that when I was pregnant with Thaddeus I didn’t see any real relieve from the nausea until I hit third trimester.

On a less physical level, I’m feeling sort of frazzeled and disconnected right now. Keeping  all that still needs to be done in my head is taking up pretty much all my limited brain power. I try to write things down and get it out, but I still feel like there’s just so much to keep thinking and reminding myself about. That combined with “pregnancy brain” is making me feel, honestly, a bit ditzy.

I am thinking… like I said above, I’m not thinking very well lately and what I am thinking about has been pretty limited to the necessities of packing. I remember talking with a friend who recently moved and trying to talk with her about how she was feeling and how we could help her grieve well and leave well and process the move, and she said that she just couldn’t do that yet and all she could do and focus on was the details of all that needed to be done and decided. At the time I had a hard time understanding that and felt like if it was me leaving I would want to process through everything and really experience all the feelings that go along with a big move, but now that I’m the one packing up and going back to the states (at least for a long while) I completely understand what she meant.

I am thankful… for my friend and neighbor, Carrie. I’m always thankful for Carrie, but especially so this week. In what little time I have been able to process and think beyond packing I just find myself feeling so grateful for her friendship and care over the past four years. I feel so grateful for how she has opened up her life and heart to me, and for how she has so deeply loved my son, Thaddeus. It makes me really sad that we won’t be living with eachother any more and doing daily life together. But, I do also feel confident that our friendship won’t end here.

I am learning… to just take one day at a time. I don’t really have any other choice right now. When I look at what still needs to be done and think about the week ahead I get totally overwhelmed, all I can really do is look at this day and what task is right before me in this moment.

I am reading… again nothing more than the occational blog. I’m starting to get really excited about having a library again, though. I think a trip to the library might have to be one of the first things we do when we get back.

I am creating… again LOTS. I’m still on a total sewing kick. I think that the deadline of leaving has finally given me motivation to finish a bunch of projects I’ve been putting off. I’ve been making cute skirts out of old t-shirt scraps, a quiet book out of old sweater scraps, fabric necklaces out of clothing scraps, pants for Thaddeus out of clothing scraps, purses out of clothing scraps, and more. Working on these projects and dreaming them up has been a highlight of my days lately.

I am craving… PIZZA. I can’t even tell you how badly I’ve been craving pizza. Which is kind of funny because although I’ve always liked pizza, it’s never been a favorite food of mine – there are lots of other things I’ve always liked more. Too bad I’ve been reacting to pretty much everything it takes to make pizza. Oh, well, someday I’ll be able to have pizza again…

One of my favorite things right now… is the TV show Friends. I’m not exactly sure why, but watching Friends is like comfort food for me. Whenever I get stressed or overwhelmed, or a bit depressed, I just want to curl up and watch Friends. Doesn’t matter how many times I’ve seen it, I still laugh. So, almost every night this past week or so we have watched an episode of Friends (or a couple episodes). Often our friend Carrie has joined us and it has felt so good to just laugh together and forget for a few minutes about packing, and saying goodbye and all the unknowns ahead.

A few plans and intentions for this week…

• FINISH packing – we leave a week from tomorrow so it REALLY all has to get done this week
• Say goodbye well – honestly I’m not sure exactly how to do this right now when I feel so jumbled, but I really want to say goodbye well…
• Walk across Charles Bridge one more time
• Go to prenatal yoga one more time
• Give my son some focus and attention amidst the chaos of packing – he really needs it

A prayer for the week…

Lord, God, I don’t really know what to pray right now. Would you pray for me?
In Jesus name. Amen.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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But, it’s often in those moments when it’s most difficult for me to write, when I feel like writing might be most helpful. So, I’m going to try something (and if you’ve been around a while you know I often try things and ditch them, so who knows how long this will last, but I’m gonna try). Basically, I want to try and write a bit of a pregnancy journal, or day book, once a week for a while. I’m going to give myself some sentences to finish, so that there’s a clear structure and I don’t have to just start with a blank screen and see if that helps me to formulate some words out of the tangled mess that is currently in my mind and heart.

So, here goes…

Pregnancy Journal: Week 13

I am seeing… piles and piles of STUFF…everywhere!! There are half packed boxes, half packed suitcases, giveaway piles, trash, toys, and clothing literally all over the place. There are dishes on the counter and I haven’t cleaned the house in more than two weeks. I’ll admit, I’m not the tidiest person anyway, and I will never win any prizes for my housekeeping, but I don’t think it’s ever been this bad. It’s slowly driving me crazy, but until I can start clearing out boxes and getting rid of the giveaway stuff, well, I think it’s just going to have to stay the way it is.

I am hearing… silence right now and it truly is golden! Thaddeus is finally taking a nap and for one of the first times in weeks he is taking a nap without wanting to nurse CONSTANTLY, so I could actually sneak away and enjoy the silence and write.

I am feeling… tired and stressed, but purposeful and hopeful too. I have been having major insomnia and Thaddeus hasn’t been sleeping well either, so exhaustion has been a regular feeling lately. I think yesterday it really dawned on me how much we really have to do before we leave and how quickly that day is really going to come. Three weeks seems so much longer than two weeks – two weeks sort of makes me want to hyperventilate. When it comes to packing and things like this I’m not really a leave things for the last minute kind of girl, but the way that everything went down we decided to leave so last minute that there wasn’t really a choice. Anyway, it’s a bit overwhelming.

But, I am liking that I have a very clear direction for the next few weeks – I know exactly what I need to be doing each day and I like having that purposefulness, honestly, it’s something I haven’t felt in a while. I’m also feeling hopeful that I’ll start to feel better once we get to the states and that makes the stress of the leaving so quickly seem really worth it.

I am thinking… constantly about what I need to be doing next. My brain has suddenly been filled with all the mundane details of packing. But, amidst the to-do lists which are front and center of my mind there are other thoughts lingering… Thoughts about the spirituality of geography, thoughts about the past four years in Prague, thoughts about church, thoughts about God, thoughts about this new baby, thoughts about our future, thoughts about this upcoming year, thoughts about finances, thoughts about creative projects… oh, so many thoughts… and oh so many feelings to go along with each one…

I am thankful… for my husband. SOOO thankful for him! He has been amazing the past few days (he’s always amazing) but I have just felt so grateful for him as we’ve wrestled with whether or not to go back so quickly, and then as we decided to do so and began packing. He’s been so helpful, so encouraging, and so supportive. I really don’t know what I would do without him. I’ve also been so grateful for the kind of father he is – he loves Thaddeus so much and Thaddeus loves him. Bryan has been so quick to jump in and play with Thad or put him down for a nap, or just distract him for a few minutes so that I can finish packing a box, or making dinner, or just rest for a minute so that this pregnancy doesn’t totally destroy me. Really, I have the most amazing husband ever and I’m so thankful for him!!

I am learning… not much formally, but a lot more about myself, my son, and my husband – who we each are, what we each need and what we each don’t need. I feel like this season has pushed us to re-evaluate ourselves and each other a lot.

I am reading… nothing. Well, occasionally over the past few days if Bryan put’s Thaddeus to bed I’ve had short periods to skim a few favorite blogs, but that’s it.

I am creating… LOTS. On top of creating a baby and lots of piles and boxes all around the house I’ve actually been doing a fair amount of sewing lately. Seems like the absolute last thing I should be doing when I have a mile long to-do list and so much to pack, but since I need to pack up all the sewing stuff I’m trying to finish up any projects that I wanted to make this year or at least get them to the place where they are manageable enough to take to the states. I’m also trying to clean out the sewing stuff and get rid of anything that I don’t really need so that has led to finishing up a lot of half finished projects – FINALLY.

One of my favorite things right now… is coconut milk – this has become a new staple in my diet lately and a bit of an addiction. I think I might be going through a can every two days! I’ve been putting it on everything. YUM!

A few plans and intentions for this week…

• Spend a good deal of time with friends who we will miss while we are in the states
• Go to Melnik (an antique bazaar outside of Prague) with some friends
• Pack, pack, pack
• Go to prenatal yoga again
• Gain 1 pound…

A prayer for the week…

Father of all, be in the midst of my chaos,
be present in the midst of my anxieties,
be close in the midst of my uncertainties.

Mother of all, be in the midst of my health,
be present with me and this growing child in my womb,
be close in the midst of this pregnancy.

Spirit who loves, be in the midst of my goodbyes,
be present with the friends I leave behind,
be close in the midst of each of our ever changing lives.

Jesus who intercedes, be in the midst of my half whispered prayers,
be present in the midst of my heart aches,
be close in the midst of my decisions.
In your name I pray. Amen.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Today I am 12 weeks pregnant and I can’t believe that you are already about the size of a lime. Honestly, little one, I’ve been having a hard time connecting with you so far…

By the time I was 12 weeks pregnant with your brother all I could think about was him. I’d constantly find myself rubbing my belly, I’d talk to him, dream about him and imagine what he’d be like. But, I haven’t done that as much with you. There’s more to do this time with a toddler to chase, I guess sometimes you just slip my mind. Forgive me, sweet child, and will you be my valentine?

I may not give you as much attention right now as I gave your brother in utero but I already love you so much! I’m gonna smother you with kisses when I finally get to hold you!

Today on Valentine’s Day here is my prayer for you, my littlest valentine:

Mother of us all, I may not keep this little one in mind often,
but I do hold them in my heart.
May you hold them safe in the center of your heart.
Spirit who nurtures, in the dark of winter, as this new life is formed,
nurture light and joy within this child even now – create them into a bringer of light.
God who is love, grow love in all of us for this new life.
Even now prepare a place of love for them that only they can fill.
Creator of life, May your hand shape this babe in health, that this new “baby mystery” would be the perfect second child for Bryan and I and the perfect sibling for little Thaddeus.
In the name of the Word become flesh, Jesus. Amen.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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