When we first stopped going to church I thought it would be temporary. It would just be a little breather to regroup, heal, and refocus. It felt good, refreshing. It felt like a good decision. Even most people we talked to about it (including a christian councilor we saw) said it was perfectly fine for us to have a little break from church and would be good for us. At the beginning it felt freeing to just stop pretending and stop going. For the year or so before this we hadn’t really been going consistently anyway and hadn’t given any of ourselves to that church. We said it was our church, pretended it was our church, but it wasn’t really and it was nice to finally admit that and just stop going. It was also nice to not look for something new. I didn’t want to look and just feel discouraged and disappointed in my expectations.

The Middle: Guilt

After a while the relief left and I started to feel guilt. Ok, taking a little break from church was fine, but now it had been long enough that it didn’t seem so much like a short break, it seemed like it was time to start going to church again. I didn’t really want to, I didn’t feel ready, but I felt like it couldn’t be right for us to go THIS long without church.

If we had been living in one stable location, the guilt would have gotten to me and this is when we would have started looking for a church and probably ended up just going somewhere because of the guilt instead of because I wanted to or because we found someplace we really fit. But, thankfully we were in a transitional stage and location, so I sat with the guilt. And something started to happen…the guilt started to lessen and another feeling started to grow…

Today: Desire

Today I miss church. There’s a growing part of me that wants to go and looks forward to finding a church home once we move up to Seattle. I miss having that weekly touch point with God and community. I don’t know what that’s going to look like right now, and honestly I don’t want to rush into anything. Maybe it just looks like going to church wherever Bryan’s family or friends go for a while, so that we can quickly get acclimated back into a church community. Or maybe it looks like taking our time (perhaps even another year) to explore churches and theologies, trying someplace new most every week so that we can really figure out what we believe and where we want to invest ourselves. Whatever we decide I think it will definitely mean showing up open to God using whatever he wants to use in the place that we are.

We didn’t plan to go a whole year without church and there have been many weeks when I’ve questioned our decision to stop. At times I’ve let the guilt win and we’ve had the occasional Sunday at a church (3 times to be exact). But, I’m glad now that we didn’t rush back into weekly attendance prematurely. I’m glad that we stopped going to church, because now for the first time in a VERY long time I really WANT to go to church.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Just writing that causes me to feel a mix of emotions – hurt, sadness, guilt, fear, and even pride. Around this time last year I wrote a series of posts with my thoughts on church and I asked the question, “why go to church?” many people gave me wonderful responses to the question, but none of their responses were MINE. I needed to come to my own answer to the question. I needed to sit with the question for a while.

This question and I have now been stewing together for a whole year. I don’t really know if I’m closer to an answer, but I know that I’ve been through a process, a metamorphosis in my feelings toward church, over the past year. I want to share where I’ve been, what I’m coming out of and where I am right now.

Why go to church? For most of 2009 and 2010 my answer to that question when I was really honest with myself would have been “for the Stewarts”. The Stewarts are dear friends of ours and I went to church for them – To see them, to support them, to live up to the expectations I imagined they had for us. I knew it wasn’t the best reason to go to church, I mean really it was sort of like the high school boy that goes to church just because the girl he has a crush on is there. But, I figured it at least got me there, right? Looking back perhaps God taking them away from Prague was as much about him saying to me “Bethany, I want you to go to church for me, not for anyone else. I want you to seek me more than you seek community and belonging.” as it was about anything else.

Wow. Do you ever write a sentence and then realize you hadn’t thought of it before, realize that your own sentence just slapped you in the face? That just happened to me…”I want you to seek ME more than you seek community and belonging.” Ugh. I think this post is about to go in a complete different direction. I was planning on writing about the change that has happened in my feelings toward church, but I think that will have to wait till next time, this post is going somewhere different, so hang on for the ride…

Community. Belonging. Connection. The words haunt me. I search for these things, I long for these things, I always have. I’ve had moments when I’ve caught glimpses of it -moments when I felt connected and like I belonged somewhere. Most of my life I’ve felt like I wasn’t quite right, or didn’t quite fit, but there have been moments when that changed and I felt like I could be myself someplace. There have also been certain people who just always made me feel like I belonged with them, like they were part of this long lost home, this community that I was looking for. But, even when I had those moments of knowing such deep community, and that sense of belonging I longed for more of it. I wanted to hold on to it, capture it, and never let it go. I wanted it to never change, never dissolve, just grow stronger. I didn’t want boundaries, I wanted interdependence.

Having tasted those moments made it so much harder when things did change. Having seen glimpses of what I had been longing and searching for made those times when I didn’t have it completely heart breaking.

It’s why graduating high school was so hard for me – I went from a small school, being part of a super close knit community, feeling like I belonged and was connected to feeling alone, isolated and uncertain of my place in the world.

It’s part of why I still haven’t completely healed from the Springers leaving Prague and the ramifications that had for our community/church life.

It’s why I long for traditions and hold on to family heirlooms, because I feel that they give me a small sense of belonging and place.

It’s why the Stewarts having to leave Prague was so difficult for me to accept. Our sense of belonging and community was so closely tied with them…and then they were gone.

And I think it’s also part of why I’ve struggled so much with becoming a mom. Motherhood can be lonely and isolating and I hadn’t expected that. I thought that becoming a mother would be like entering a new community of belonging. At a time when I most expected, longed for and needed to feel connected, I instead felt isolated and alone.

I want deep, authentic, real, community and belonging. I long for it with my whole being. I search for it. For some reason I keep expecting to find it in the church, and wanting to find it there, believing that is where I should find it, but being disappointed and heartbroken each time that expectation fails. I do believe that the church should be a family, that we should find community and a safe place with our brothers and sisters in Christ. I do believe that my longing for community is right, and good, and from God. BUT…perhaps I have allowed it to grow too large. When I seek the all elusive “community” I so often end up empty. When I look back at those times when I did experience community, I realize it showed up most when I wasn’t looking for it. It showed up when I wasn’t trying to conger it up but was instead focusing on other things.

I realized as I wrote that sentence “I want you to seek me more than you seek community and belonging” that I’ve allowed my good desire for community to become an idol of sorts. I’ve expected church to meet my longing for deep authentic community and been disappointed. Instead of allowing God to use it in my life as he sees fit, I’ve placed expectations and a box around how I think God should use church in my life. If God doesn’t use church to meet my inflated need for belonging I blame the church instead of more humbly opening up my expectations and allowing God to do as he sees fit, belonging or no belonging.

Rejoicing in the journey-
Bethany Stedman

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Ok, so let’s just jump in and talk about each of these one at a time…

Fellowship

This is one of the most common reasons I hear given for church. But, my questions is: How much true fellowship really happens at church? Personally I never felt like much did. At the church where we’ve been going I do have some close friends who I do genuinely “fellowship” with, but it doesn’t usually happen AT church. At church we say a quick hello and that’s about it, when we really “fellowship” is when we meet outside of church and sit down and have a real conversation and I don’t see why that can’t keep happening even if I’m not going to church on Sunday regularly or at all.

Teaching

Many would say we go to church to be taught and to learn more about Jesus, the Bible, and how to walk with God. Ok, I can understand how originally when not everyone had a copy of scripture (not to mention most being illiterate) it would be important to have one person who could tell everyone else what scripture said and what that meant for their lives, but that’s not the case now. If pure knowledge is what I’m after than I can pick up a Bible and read it for myself. I can pick up any number of commentaries and read what a vast majority of other people say about any number of scriptural topics or passages. I can listen to lectures and sermons on line, or read them – in fact I can listen to or read sermons not only from all over the world, but also from a variety of time periods. If knowledge is what I’m after than there are probably a lot of better, more thorough, ways to do that than to listen to a sermon by one man.

If when I say teaching I mean that I am after encouragement, accountability, reminders to faith and godliness, than I still don’t think a sermon is the best way to get that. In this case what I’m really after is discipleship and a 45 minute sermon by someone I rarely talk to isn’t really discipleship. A better means for getting the encouragement, reminders and accountability that we are after would be to place ourselves under the mentorship of someone who is a little farther along the path of faith than we are.

To worship and praise God

Ok, to me, this does seem like a good reason to go to church, but… Personally I don’t feel like I do much worshiping and praising of God most Sundays at church. Some of it’s due to the fact that I have a young child who is very loud and energetic and needs my constant attention. Some of it is due to the fact that how I personally best connect with and worship God doesn’t fit all that well in most churches. My favorite times of praise and worship have almost all happened outside of church settings – times like long prayer walks through the woods by myself, praying and spontaneously singing songs of praise with a small group of close friends, meditating on God’s word as I do yoga, writing liturgies (like this one for example) and praying them together with others. Nature, creativity, and movement/physicality have often been a deep part of my experiences of worship, but these aren’t often things that I experience during a Sunday church service.

On the other hand though, I do believe that there is value in worshiping God even in ways that don’t necessarily speak my heart language. I do believe that there is value in proclaiming and singing along with others about our great God, even if I’m not feeling it at the moment, even if I’m distracted by my son, even if I don’t really like a particular song, or other method of praise. I believe that I don’t’ have to FEEL like I’m worshiping or praising in order to be worshiping and praising God. So, to me this is a legitimate reason to go to church – to praise and worship God. But, that being said I also believe that I can praise and worship God outside of church, for God is not as concerned with the location of my worship as the state of my heart (John 4:21-24).

The Sacraments

Personally, this seems like a very good reason to go to church. There are a number of sacraments, but the two nearly all Christians agreed are sacraments are baptism and Holy Communion, or the Eucharist. Communion in particular seems like a very good reason to attend church regularly. I can understand someone saying, I go to church so that I can partake of the body and blood of Christ along with his people. But, if this is my primary reason for going to church than wouldn’t it make sense that I go to a church where I can participate in the Eucharist every Sunday? Most of the churches that I’ve been in only practice the sacrament of communion about once a month. I like the idea of taking communion every week and this being a primary reason for church attendance resonates with me. Maybe we should be looking at orthodox churches, or other branches of Christianity that place more emphasis on the Eucharist?

Meeting new people and making friends

Ok, this seems like one of the most shallow/unspiritual reasons for going to church, but this one actually makes a lot of sense to me and seems entirely legitimate. Church can be a good place to meet new people, in fact many of our current friends are people that we’ve met in one church or another. I feel like church isn’t always the best place for truly connecting with people, but it can be a very good place for initial introductions. Those initial introductions can then turn into small groups, or more intimate dinners, or other activities together and eventually friendships are formed. I worry sometimes that if we stop going to church we will eventually run out of friends. It sounds funny to say and I know it’s sort of an overly dramatic worry, but it’s there in my head. I mean we live in an expat community where people are constantly leaving, if we aren’t making new friends regularly will we eventually isolate ourselves?

Motivation

Ok, let me explain this one… as I’ve reflected about a lot of the above reasons for church I’ve realized that pretty much all of them can happen outside of church and many of them might actually be better accomplished outside of established religious institutions. BUT, when I’m really honest about it how often am I really going to seek out knowledge and research a scripture passage through commentaries and all the truly great teaching available at my fingertips online? How often am I really going to take time to sing, pray and general proclaim God’s praises? How often am I truly going to seek out a mentor and put myself under their instruction? How often am I truly going to pursue growth in my spiritual life? Sometimes the answer to these questions might genuinely be often, but regularly the answer is not so often and in the second case going to church can be a real help. When we don’t have the motivation to seek spiritual growth on our own, church can provide us with a stepping stone or starting place for that growth.

To serve

To me this seems like a very good reason to go to church. But the ways that most people serve in the church seem entirely shallow and at times un-necessary to me. Most churches provide a lot of ways for people to serve those who are truly needy, but most of the time those ways happen outside of the Sunday service and I can get involved in those things whether or not I go to the Sunday service. Ways to serve during a Sunday service are usually relegated to primarily three options – children’s ministry (glorified babysitting), “hospitality”, and playing or singing on the worship team. So, what’s an introvert who can’t sing or play an instrument to do, well, children’s ministry, of course. Although I don’t mind being in the nursery with my child (and in a way prefer that to leaving him in there without me) I do have some issues with children’s ministry conceptually (I’ll save that for another post) and don’t feel like going to church just so that I can “serve” in the nursery is really a good reason for me personally to go to church.

Culture

Churches have cultures. By going to a particular church you are participating in a particular culture and if you have kids you are raising them to understand and fit into a certain culture. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to be part of “church culture” and doesn’t want to raise my child in it, but then there’s also a big part of me that does want to participate in church culture and raise my child in it. Because it’s familiar and comfortable for me – it’s all I’ve ever known. It’s the culture I’m most accustomed to. So, one reason for going to church would be to participate in a culture I’m familiar with and to instill that culture in my child.

I’m not going to address guilt/obligation and fear (fear of disapproval, fear of hell, etc.) although they are often my own personal reasons for going to church they are clearly not good reasons for going to church. Ultimately the fact that these are the things that sometimes motivate me to go to church just shows my lack of faith in God’s good grace and reveal the dark corners of my own doubts. I don’t want to focus on those things. I want to focus on and claim God’s grace. I want to focus on and claim God’s love which drives out all fear. So, I’m not going to get into those reasons more than this little mention.

So, those are the reasons for church that’s I’ve been able to come up with and my thoughts on each one.

How about you? Do you go to church? If so, why?

Rejoicing in the journey-
Bethany Stedman

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I mean in the past year we’ve made it to church about once or twice a month anyway, is that really enough to say that we go to a particular church? I mean I’m quite certain that the majority of the people at our current church don’t really think of us as “part” of the church, and maybe they shouldn’t with as sporadic as our attendance has been. Honestly, I think it took over a year of attendance for ME to start thinking of us as “part” of the church and even then we often wondered if it was really the right place for us.

It wasn’t always like this. The church we were at before this we only ever missed when we were out of town or very sick. I wanted to be there. I felt welcomed and involved there. I felt like it was a place where I could truly bring my gifts and my ideas and my questions and I loved that. Sure there were some Sundays when I dragged my feet getting out the door, but I felt like if I wasn’t there people would miss me and wonder about me and I always knew that in the end I would be glad I’d gone.

Lately it hasn’t been like that. Some of it is because we are at a different church and I’ve never felt like there was really a place for me at this new church or like my voice would be valued there. Not that we didn’t have friends there, in fact we do have a few wonderful friends at our current church, friends who I love and who love us well. But, I never felt much connection with the church leadership as a whole, or the church structure, style, and at times world view. I did however feel like it was the best place for us in this season especially since many of the people who we thought of as family went there.

Some of our irregular attendance was due to nothing more than a change in life situation. Having a child gave me a whole new outlook on church. Honestly, going to church with a child is often more headache than it’s worth. I’d heard people say things about how difficult it was to go to church with children, but I never fully understood this until having a child myself. Getting out the door is always difficult with a child and for some reason seems more difficult when we are going to church. Once we got to church there was the struggle to keep our son contained and quiet until it was time for him to go to the nursery. Then there is the nursery time…Often for me, since I didn’t want to leave my son in the nursery, church ended up feeling like a glorified play date.

By the time all this is done the value of going to church could be redeemed by a quality time connecting with friends, but I’ve always felt sort of awkward by the after church socializing time. Usually I feel unsure who to talk to even when I have good friends there. Plus, by now it’s late and Thad is hungry and tired and generally out of sorts, so we rush home. What is the value in any of that? Most weeks it just feels easier and more rewarding to stay home, have a nice meal together as a family, and maybe read or watch a movie together.

But even with all this I was starting to feel more inspired to go to church. I was starting to feel like maybe it was worth it… for the relationship. I was starting to feel slightly more connected at our new church and was making some new friends there, and then this happened… and now I find myself wondering yet again if there really is any value in going to church? When church leaders put their own comfort above the needs of the church as a whole? When you have a young child and aren’t really able to enter into church fully? When you’re sometimes awkward and shy and have a difficult time connecting with people in church settings? When you don’t fit the typical Christian mold and have questions that you don’t feel would be welcomed there? When you have talents and gifts that don’t fit into the very few, very limited ways that people are asked to “serve” in the church (or the ways women are asked to serve in the church)? Am I being selfish? Does it really matter all that much, how bad would it be if we just stopped going? Is it worth looking for another church when the problems I have going to church will probably be an issue at any church? Am I giving up too soon? Do I need to stay and call the church to something more? Perhaps the value is simply in staying amidst the uncomfortable?

These are questions I’m struggling with right now…

What do you think? Do you go to church, if so what has your experience with church been? If you’re a mom how do you find value in going to church with young children?

More to come tomorrow…

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Recently some of our closest friends in the world, people we call family, were fired from the mission’s team they have been working on for the past three years. This team was building a church and the team leader, who is the senior pastor, decided that our friends could no longer be a part of the team. The missions organization they are with said that even though they love our friends and would welcome them on any number of other teams, they need to support the team leader in Prague on this decision and in order to stay with the mission our friends need to honor that and leave Prague. It has been devastating for Bryan and me and for so many others who have been blessed by our dear friends.

Honestly though, I can understand the decision. Our friends are passionate, insightful people. They are authentic people who aren’t afraid to speak their minds. They value speaking truth, challenging one another and being challenged themselves. They are creative and artistic, intense, spontaneous, radically generous and intentionally communal. They love people well and people love them for it. They are deeply attractive. I can completely understand how a leader would have a difficult time “reigning them in”. I can completely understand how a leader could even feel threatened by them. I can completely understand how their gifts and the things I love them for could wound and hurt a leader. I can understand how their being gone would make life easier for the leader. But, I cannot at all understand how their being gone could benefit the church as a whole.

Honestly, I am not angry with the pastor. I can understand the decision, but I don’t agree with his decision.

This decision really makes me sad.  It makes me sad that it was a decision made only with the council of outsiders and no one in the church or who would consider the church home was consulted on it. It makes me sad that so many people in the church are upset about it and some (us included) aren’t sure if we can stay there after this. It makes me sad that one person in the church has that much power to wound so many people.  It makes me sad how sudden this has been, and how it came at a time when our friends truly thought that some reconciliation and growth was happening in their relationship with this leader. I am sad for the church and for all that they will miss out on by loosing this wonderful family.

I fully believe that this change is going to be good for my friends in the long run. It will result in them being freed up to openly be the people God made them to be and pursue the purposes he’s placed on their hearts, which will be good not only for them but for the Kingdom of God at large. But, I’m sad for how it all came about.

Honestly, though, the whole thing has mostly just made me feel apathetic about church again. Something like this would have made me angry a few years ago. I used to be incredibly passionate about church and how church “could” be and “should” be. Now I’ve just sort of resigned myself to the fact that this is just how it is. We are just broken people rubbing up against other broken people. Like it or not church is an institution and that means that it makes decisions like an institution – it hires and fires people, it makes choices based on its own survival and numbers, it prioritizes and marginalizes. It’s just how it is. I shrug my shoulders and think to myself about the wider global church (not just this local church)…

Of course the church acts like the world.
Of course the church is fake and it’s easy for the broken hearted to remain broken hearted and unknown.
Of course the church marginalizes women.
Of course the church isn’t a place where prostitutes, gypsies, and homeless feel welcomed and provided for.
Of course the church isn’t a place where the hungry are fed, the naked clothed and the sick made well.
Of course the church segregates age groups and separates the children from the adults.
Of course the church gives the same sermons over and over again just in different ways.
Of course the church makes everything about knowledge instead of about love.
Of course the church doesn’t put into practice the upside down radical kingdom of Jesus.
Of course the church waters down the gospel.
Of course the church treats each other like dirt at times instead of taking care of each other.
Of course the church acts like a business instead of a family.
Of course the church cares more about numbers than disciples.
Of course the church fires someone even when the person is blessing and supporting many of the churches members.
Of course the church judges instead of redeems, separates instead of unities, constricts people instead of breathing freedom.
Of course the church doesn’t act like Jesus… She may be the bride of Christ, but she’s also kind of a bitch sometimes.

I shrug my shoulders and say, “Is it really worth it?” What’s the point? Is it worth finding another church when the problems in the church are epidemic? How bad would it really be if we just stopped going to church for a while? How much of the problems in the church are really my own fault? Do I just make excuses instead of trying to change things? Or am I apathetic because I’ve tried to change things, but failed? Maybe it’s ok for church to be an institution and to function in these broken ways, because like it or not we are still broken? Maybe what I think of as church isn’t church at all and I need to change my paradigm?

Lord, change my heart. Work in me to displace my apathy with hope, to soften what anger I may have into faith, and to replace my sadness with love. Show me what error may be in MY ways, and MY thoughts, and lead me into the way everlasting. Amen.

Stay tuned for more of my current thoughts on church and church attendance later this week…

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Let me set the stage: I was making lunch for a community gathering/retreat we were having. I had all these thoughts bouncing in my head about the communion experience I was helping to plan and about our community and what it means to live in community. I was feeling nervous about the time we were going to have together. The culmination of all this was the thought that would lead to my realization:

 “This is my body broken for you.”

With each tear of the lettuce and each cut of the knife the thought came:

“This is my body broken for you.”

As I set out the elements for communion:

“This is my body broken for you.”

And then I started to think about and pray for different members of our faith community the thought came again even louder this time:

“This is my body broken for you.”

I had never before thought about that statement as being about anything besides the bread of communion and Jesus own physical body broken on the cross. But suddenly it dawned on me that we have TWO things that we are told ARE the body of Christ Jesus: the bread at communion and the church (or the family of God). And it suddenly felt very real to me that when Jesus says, “This is my body broken for you” He is talking about how he himself will be broken, and about how the bread will be broken, AND about how his church and the members of his church will be broken. And this weekend I experienced that a little bit.

I feel like I experienced my brokenness and my past story and my personal expectations rub up against the brokenness and past stories and expectations of others in my community.

And it hurt…

… but today I find myself thanking God for it.

Thank you, Lord that I am part of your broken body!

Thank you for the darkness and the tension and the differences.

Thank you for hurting me so that I could more clearly see my own biases and brokenness.

Thank you for a community that is willing to be open with one another, and share our hearts and hurts with each other even when that’s really hard and when doing it might be really difficult.

Thank you for a community that is willing to love each other, and love the differences we see in each other even when those differences hurt us.

Thank you for a community that is willing to stay in it together instead of choosing the easier path.

Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you, for sending your son to be broken like we are.

Lord, I know and I trust that you are a God of restoration and redemption and resurrection. I know and trust that you love to take that which is broken and make it whole again. That’s what I see you being about and that is what I want to be about. Lord, forgive me for the ways that I have broken instead of redeemed, forgive me for the ways I have done that even tonight. Lord, continue to work in me – don’t give up on me – work in me to take all my broken pieces and make me whole. Lord, work in us as a community and make us whole. Make us a community that is about restoration and redemption and resurrection.

Tonight I still feel a bit sad and tired, but I also feel deep hope.

Tonight I was reminded of why I choose to be a part of this community, and why I love each of the unique members of this community.

Tonight I experienced more of what it means to actually live in real community.

Tonight I feel thankful.

Tonight I am encouraged to be part of God’s broken body and I look expectantly towards the resurrection and wholeness that is coming.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany

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So, in what ways have you experienced real fellowship/friendship and church (the body of Christ being the body of Christ) lately? I’d love to hear J

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany

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Lord, thank you for all the different and beautiful people of you created. Thank you especially for our friends, David and Sarah.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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