Posts Tagged ‘blogging’

Why the Silence

September 14th, 2009

Ok, so clearly I haven’t been very good about blogging lately. There is a small part of me that feels sad by that and wants to change it, but honestly the vast majority of what I feel towards my blog right now is complete indifference. In many ways I don’t really mind that I haven’t written in almost a month. But, this morning I decided I owed it to myself and those few people who continue to check this blog (even with its irregular writing), to process through why I am feeling so indifferent towards it.

When I really think about it there are quite a few things in my life that I normally love, but have lately been feeling very indifferent towards. The two most surprising and difficult being writing on the blog and spending time with friends. I think in general I have felt this growing feeling of withdrawal – an extreme drawing inward, that started almost right away when I got pregnant and has ebbed and flowed, but slowly increased until now. At 36 weeks pregnant with just a few weeks to go I feel like I should be wanting to spend time with friends while I can since soon I won’t be as free to do that, but honestly I’d rather just stay home with my husband and relax or read childbirth books. I feel like I should want to write often on the blog and enjoy the freedom of schedule that I currently have to do whatever I enjoy (which has so often in the past been writing). But, that’s not what I want; instead I have basically no desire to write here or anywhere else. This is all so strange for me, and this sort of recluse hermit-like feeling was not something I expected to feel during pregnancy. I guess it’s just one more thing on the long (and growing) list of pregnancy surprises.

But, I realized this morning that there is something else besides that feeling that is keeping me from writing and that is the previous style and topic range of this blog. Granted, it is my personal blog and I have written about a decently wide range of topics before, but generally I have stuck mostly to writing about my thoughts on church, spirituality, and God (with some occasional thoughts on yoga, art, relationships and living in Prague). Well, honestly those aren’t the types of thoughts I’m having lately. Those aren’t the topics filling my brain. Instead my thoughts are CONSUMED with pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood (mostly childbirth right now). And honestly, I’m not sure how to write about my childbirth thoughts here on this blog, it feels like they wouldn’t fit – plus I think I might scare some of you off with some of my “bohemian/hippie” ideas. And so the blog silence continues.

I write all this I guess to just help me process through it myself and also to let you all know that I am still alive, but it might continue to be a while before I really come back to blog land. And I guess to warn you that there’s a chance that when I do come back I may write about slightly different topics then those that have previously filled these blog pages – there might be a little less theology and a little more practical parenting thoughts. I don’t know yet, I guess we’ll just have to see what happens when inspiration once again strikes and I find myself once again pounding away at the keyboard filling the page with words.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany

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Back home in the blogosphere

June 15th, 2009

Today I realized that I had over 1,000 unread blogs in my google reader. Ridiculous, I know. But, life has been such lately that not only has my blog writing suffered, but my blog reading has been pretty much none existent. But, after a few days of feeling ready to re-enter the blogosphere I think I can now officially say, yes, I’m back. Maybe not for good, and it might still be a little sporadic, but I miss blogging and reading blogs and I’m ready to come back to it. So, I marked all my unread blogs as read and I’m starting fresh, jumping back in starting today and looking forward to it. Smile.

So, expect more posts in the days and weeks to come, there are a few bouncing around in my head already. But, for now I leave you with this quote from the book He Leadeth Me by Walter J. Ciszek, S.J.:

“Now, with sudden and almost blinding clarity and simplicity, I realized I had been trying to do something with my own will and intellect that was at once too much and mostly all wrong. God’s will was not hidden somewhere ‘out there’ in the situations in which I found myself; the situations themselves were his will for me. What he wanted was for me to accept these situations as from his hands, to let go of the reins and place myself entirely at his disposal. He was asking of me an act of total trust, allowing for no interference or restless striving on my part, no reservations, no exceptions, no areas where I could set conditions or seem to hesitate. He was asking a complete gift of self, nothing held back. It demanded absolute faith: faith in God’s existence, in his providence, in his concern for the minutest detail, in his power to sustain me, and in his love protecting me. It meant losing the last hidden doubt, the ultimate fear that God will not be there to bear you up. It was something like that awful eternity between anxiety and belief when a child first leans back and lets go of all support whatever – only to find that the water truly holds him up and he can float motionless and totally relaxed. Once understood, it seemed so simple. I was amazed it had taken me so long in terms of time and of suffering to learn this truth. Of course we believe that we depend on God, that his will sustains us in every moment of our life. But we are afraid to put it to the test. There remains deep down in each of us a little nagging doubt, a little knot of fear which we refuse to face or admit even to ourselves, that says, ‘Suppose it isn’t so.’ We are afraid to abandon ourselves totally into God’s hands for fear he will not catch us as we fall. It is the ultimate criterion, the final test of all faith and all belief, and it is present in each of us, lurking unvoiced in a closet of our mind we are afraid to open. It is not really a question of trust in god at all, for we want very much to trust him; it is really a question of our ultimate belief in his existence and his providence, and it demands the purest act of faith.”

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Blog Welcoming Party!

October 27th, 2008


Welcome to the new blog location for Bethany Stedman! J I hope you enjoy the new look. This post is my virtual version of a blog-house warming party, so, I invite you to join the party by:

-          Taking a Tour – Take a second to explore old content that you might have missed before and check out new features and pages that I added.

-          Introducing yourself to your new neighbor, the host – leave a comment and introduce yourself – I’d love to meet you! J

-          Looking for things the movers broke – look around and let me know if you find any broken links or things that aren’t working for you.

-          Giving a house warming gift – leave another comment and let me know what you think of the new site look.

So, pull up a chair, pour yourself some coffee and make yourself at home. Welcome to www.bethstedman.com!

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany

Photograph by Beth Stedman

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“Bethany Was Here” – Desiring to be Known

September 11th, 2008

On Tuesday I went with my friend, Kara, to photography the Lennon Wall. I had walked briefly by the wall in the past but had never really stopped to look at it. I really enjoyed reading the things people wrote on the wall and the pictures people drew. It really was beautiful in its own unique way.

I was thinking as I took my pictures about what makes people write on a wall like that. Many people who write on the wall do nothing more than sign their name and that’s it – “John was here”. I think there is something in the human psyche that desires to be known, to leave a mark on the world and the people around them – something in us that wants people to know “Bethany was here.” And so even though we long for our mark to be bigger than just a name on a wall, and we desire to be known by people in a more intimate way then just our name, when faced with a chance to do something even as little as writing our name on a wall we’ll do it.

I think that’s why blogging has taken off so much. I think that desire is a lot of why I blog – it’s a way of leaving my mark. It’s a way of being known and saying “I was here.” It gives a little fuller picture of me then if I just wrote my name on the Lennon wall, but in a lot of ways it’s still pretty shallow. Blogging is still just a mark on a wall. It paints a picture of who I was at a certain time in my life and who I am now, but it’s not a full picture. “It’s true but not complete” as my friend, Tara, says. It might be a fuller picture then just my name on a wall, but it still doesn’t satisfy that deep need inside to be known and remembered – to belong and matter.

Today I met for coffee with some friends. They are probably my closest friends in Prague and currently my closest friends in the world (besides my husband). But, there are days, like today, when I still feel very unknown by them. There are times when I withdraw and don’t fully reveal myself, there are times when I show only a half true, manicured picture of myself and my heart. Why is that? Why is it that we have this deep longing to belong, to be known, to leave our mark, to matter and be accepted and reveal ourselves to other human beings, but that we often run from that desire? Why is it that especially in those moments when I so deeply want to be known I pull away? Is it fear? Is it that I don’t feel valuable enough to share with another? Or is it something else entirely? Does anyone else do this or feel this way? Or is it just me?

Maybe part of why we leave marks on walls and write blogs is because we long to be known and remembered, but maybe part of it is that it’s safe. It’s easier to leave a mark on a wall and feel like you made a mark on the world, than it is to actually go out there and make a mark on the world. It’s easier to write a blog and reveal a little part of yourself through the privacy of your own home and the small window that is cyberspace than it is to actually reveal yourself when face-to-face with another human being.

So, there’s my mark, for today, this is where I was at on September 11, 2008.

“Bethany was here”

Rejoicing in the journey -
Beth Stedman

Photographs by Beth Stedman

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New Blog Structure: The Expirement Comes to an End

August 8th, 2008

Ok, I think it’s time to end the blog schedule experiment. I enjoyed this little experiment and I think I will continue with a few parts of it, but I think I am in need of more freedom. I found that on some days I had things I wanted to write about but couldn’t because they didn’t fit the topic for the day. I also had times when I had trouble coming up with anything to write about that did fit the topic for the day and ended up sort of forcing it. So, I think I will go back to just writing about whatever I want whenever I want.

There are, however, two things that I would like to keep doing as carryovers from this experience. First, I would like to continue to write daily even when it’s difficult and I don’t have something to say, I think writing daily is a good discipline for me.

Second, I would like to continue to take Mondays to brag about the people that God has brought into my life. I have really enjoyed telling whoever would listen about the beautiful people that God has surrounded me with and how much they each mean to me. I really think it is important to let people know how truly uniquely beautiful they are and how much they mean to you and I find that it’s important to do that in front of others. I never realized how important it was to praise and admire people in public until I got married. I have learned over the last 3 years of being married that it is really important and means a lot to my husband when I admire him and tell him how amazing I think he is, but it means a lot more to him when I tell other people how much I admire him and how amazing I think he is. I think there is something special about admiring another human being in a public setting that increases and magnifies its significance. Hmmm, random side thought, maybe God likes that too – maybe it’s not enough for us to tell Him in private what we think of Him and how much we love Him, maybe it means something more to Him (and to us?) when we tell others how amazing He is and how much we love Him. Anyway, I think I will keep doing Admiration Mondays at least for a while longer.

Thank you all for joining me in my little experiment with a blog schedule, maybe we’ll try it again someday, but for now it’s back to regular UN-scheduled programming. J

Rejoicing in the journey -
Beth Stedman

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