Posts Tagged ‘church’

We Found a Church

May 8th, 2012

We have been going to church again. And you know what? It feels good.

We aren’t dragging our feet or looking for an excuse every week. We aren’t going just because we think we should, or just because it’s what we grew up doing. This week we didn’t even have a discussion about wether we would go or not, or which church we would go to, we both just knew we would go and where. We want to go to church.

But it’s not because we found the perfect church.

In many ways the church we’ve been going to isn’t markedly different from other churches we’ve been involved in or other churches we looked at going to. Those of you who’ve followed my blog for a while and walked with me through my idealistic dreaming about church, my ecclesiological wonderings, and my church criticisms, might find it interesting to learn that the church that I’m loving right now isn’t remarkable different from any other church in structure. But, I think I am a little bit different. I think having a year without church made me appreciate it more. I’m ready now. Ready to start new. Ready to take church for what it is and not expect too much of it.

So, if this church isn’t remarkably different, why this church over the others we tried? Why do I feel excited to go to this church, but didn’t feel excited to go to others? Well, I think there are two reasons. One is very tangible and easy to explain. The second is a bit harder to put my finger on.

The first reason is simply, and yet remarkably, the people. Our second Sunday there it took us twenty minutes to leave because people where talking to us. People remember our names and come up and introduce themselves. I usually feel awkward before and after church services, but I can honestly say I haven’t really felt that at this church. I don’t think I’ve ever found myself awkwardly standing there while other people talked all around me. Maybe it helped that we knew two families there already (one is a family friend and the other is our old college pastor who did our marriage counseling, but we hadn’t stayed in touch with). But, I think even if we hadn’t known people there we would have felt abundantly welcomed. Each week people say hello, introduce themselves and really take the time to talk to us. I feel like the people there like each other and love each other well. Bryan and I have already felt very cared for there and I think that’s really what keeps me coming back.

The second reason why I want to keep going to this church is much less tangible. The only way I can explain it is a feeling. A feeling that it’s where we should be for now. It’s a feeling I’ve had before and it’s the same feeling I have about being in Seattle in general. It’s a gentle “yes”, a calm in my spirit, a peace that we are where we’re suppose to be. I know this feeling well enough to know that I shouldn’t hold on to it or chase after it. It is a way that God gently confirms things for me and I’ve learned to take note of it. But I’ve also learned its not the only confirmation. And it’s not how he confirms every decision. It’s a gift only sometimes given and I’m learning to take it for what it is and not what it’s not.

I’ve also learned that it’s not a permanent gift. It can mean we are were we should be, but it doesn’t mean that where we are is where we should always be.

In saying that you might think I’m avoiding committing fully to a church. But, really I just want to be honest. None of us really know where God is going to take us next week or next year or five years from now. I don’t know where we will be in five years (in terms of church or anything else), but I know that I am where I’m suppose to be right now and I know that this is the church we are suppose to be at right now too. I feel good about jumping in whole-heartedly for this time and season. And I’m curious about where that’s going to take us.

Rejoicing in the journey,

Bethany Stedman

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Why Go to Church?

December 8th, 2010

How bad is it if we just stop going to church all together for a season?

I mean in the past year we’ve made it to church about once or twice a month anyway, is that really enough to say that we go to a particular church? I mean I’m quite certain that the majority of the people at our current church don’t really think of us as “part” of the church, and maybe they shouldn’t with as sporadic as our attendance has been. Honestly, I think it took over a year of attendance for ME to start thinking of us as “part” of the church and even then we often wondered if it was really the right place for us.

It wasn’t always like this. The church we were at before this we only ever missed when we were out of town or very sick. I wanted to be there. I felt welcomed and involved there. I felt like it was a place where I could truly bring my gifts and my ideas and my questions and I loved that. Sure there were some Sundays when I dragged my feet getting out the door, but I felt like if I wasn’t there people would miss me and wonder about me and I always knew that in the end I would be glad I’d gone.

Lately it hasn’t been like that. Some of it is because we are at a different church and I’ve never felt like there was really a place for me at this new church or like my voice would be valued there. Not that we didn’t have friends there, in fact we do have a few wonderful friends at our current church, friends who I love and who love us well. But, I never felt much connection with the church leadership as a whole, or the church structure, style, and at times world view. I did however feel like it was the best place for us in this season especially since many of the people who we thought of as family went there.

Some of our irregular attendance was due to nothing more than a change in life situation. Having a child gave me a whole new outlook on church. Honestly, going to church with a child is often more headache than it’s worth. I’d heard people say things about how difficult it was to go to church with children, but I never fully understood this until having a child myself. Getting out the door is always difficult with a child and for some reason seems more difficult when we are going to church. Once we got to church there was the struggle to keep our son contained and quiet until it was time for him to go to the nursery. Then there is the nursery time…Often for me, since I didn’t want to leave my son in the nursery, church ended up feeling like a glorified play date.

By the time all this is done the value of going to church could be redeemed by a quality time connecting with friends, but I’ve always felt sort of awkward by the after church socializing time. Usually I feel unsure who to talk to even when I have good friends there. Plus, by now it’s late and Thad is hungry and tired and generally out of sorts, so we rush home. What is the value in any of that? Most weeks it just feels easier and more rewarding to stay home, have a nice meal together as a family, and maybe read or watch a movie together.

But even with all this I was starting to feel more inspired to go to church. I was starting to feel like maybe it was worth it… for the relationship. I was starting to feel slightly more connected at our new church and was making some new friends there, and then this happened… and now I find myself wondering yet again if there really is any value in going to church? When church leaders put their own comfort above the needs of the church as a whole? When you have a young child and aren’t really able to enter into church fully? When you’re sometimes awkward and shy and have a difficult time connecting with people in church settings? When you don’t fit the typical Christian mold and have questions that you don’t feel would be welcomed there? When you have talents and gifts that don’t fit into the very few, very limited ways that people are asked to “serve” in the church (or the ways women are asked to serve in the church)? Am I being selfish? Does it really matter all that much, how bad would it be if we just stopped going? Is it worth looking for another church when the problems I have going to church will probably be an issue at any church? Am I giving up too soon? Do I need to stay and call the church to something more? Perhaps the value is simply in staying amidst the uncomfortable?

These are questions I’m struggling with right now…

What do you think? Do you go to church, if so what has your experience with church been? If you’re a mom how do you find value in going to church with young children?

More to come tomorrow…

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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My Story: My Walk with God

May 16th, 2010

I was raised in the church. Some of my first memories are from going to church. My parents were involved in starting a number of churches while I was growing up and my dad now serves on the elder board of their church. They were always close friends with our pastors and I have very vivid and positive memories of my parents (my dad in particular) having theological conversations with my pastor as a young child. I think it’s where my interest and love for theology and philosophy first started.

So, that’s a little bit of my parents and the background I was born into, but what’s my story…well…

I “accepted Christ” when I was 5 years old because they had talked about hell at church. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs with my mom and praying “the sinner’s prayer”. I was terrified of going to hell and my decision to accept Christ was based almost solely on that fear. The fear of hell then haunted me for years; I remember asking Jesus into my heart nearly every night for most of my childhood.

In 8th grade my mom baptized me in a friend’s pool. That was the beginning of what I could call the “God years”. High school was for me a time when I deeply pursued God and felt his presence. I was involved in everything and would spend long hours praying and reading scripture. I was good – I did my devotionals, I obeyed my parents, I didn’t party, I got good grades. Looking back I can recognize that in many ways I thought I could earn my way into God’s favor and out of hell.

It wasn’t until freshman year of college that things started to really fall apart and I had what could classically be called a “crisis of faith”. I think I had always carried a lot of doubt and questions in my mind and heart when it came to God, but there were some things that happened during this time in my life that really brought those questions to the forefront. Suddenly nothing seemed solid and God didn’t seem to fit in the nice neat box I had been told (and had believed) He should fit in.

There are a lot of things that eventually lead to the quieting of those questions (notice I said quieting and not resolving). I think one of the most significant things that brought me through that time in my life were a handful of very dear friends. God surrounded me with people who weren’t afraid to let me really dig into the questions. He brought people into my life, who really listened to me, and spoke truth to me and were willing to share their own struggles with God. I don’t think I had ever before that time seen someone honestly and authentically struggle with God and that made my own struggle seem so terrifying. But, in a few close friends in particular I saw people who struggled openly with God, and people who loved God desperately even while they struggled with him. And that gave me incredible freedom to wrestle with God myself.

This was also when I first began to realize that the narratives and theologies that I had grown up with weren’t the only Christian answers to the questions. I became to discover that Christians had answered theological questions differently throughout history and there was not a consistent theological narrative like I had always thought. But, I also began to see that even with all the diversity in the church throughout history God was still clearly at work and His spirit was clearly moving among his people.

It was also around this time that I began blogging and reading blogs and I discovered that there were other people out there were in the same boat I was in. Knowing that others were asking the same questions, wrestling with God and with his church, was incredibly freeing for me. Knowing that others were also re-thinking what it really means to be a Christian, to walk with Jesus, to love Him and love people was incredibly encouraging to me.

Eventually I came to a place where I could love God for Himself and not what I thought he was or should be. Eventually I came to a place where I could choose to follow him even if I didn’t understand him. Since then God and I have been on a wild journey of discovery. He continues to take me inward, allowing me to ask all the difficult questions that arise in my soul, allowing me to live the questions, and walking through them with me.

There is still so much farther I have to walk with God. He is still so unknown to me. There are still places of my heart that I keep hidden. There are still questions that I haven’t found answers for. There are still places of brokenness in my soul that need to be healed. There are still sins in my life that need to be washed. There are still journeys God and I need to take.

So, I just keep walking, clinging to faith and trusting that God walks beside me.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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The Beautifully Broken Body of Christ

November 9th, 2008

Yesterday I realized something…

Let me set the stage: I was making lunch for a community gathering/retreat we were having. I had all these thoughts bouncing in my head about the communion experience I was helping to plan and about our community and what it means to live in community. I was feeling nervous about the time we were going to have together. The culmination of all this was the thought that would lead to my realization:

 “This is my body broken for you.”

With each tear of the lettuce and each cut of the knife the thought came:

“This is my body broken for you.”

As I set out the elements for communion:

“This is my body broken for you.”

And then I started to think about and pray for different members of our faith community the thought came again even louder this time:

“This is my body broken for you.”

I had never before thought about that statement as being about anything besides the bread of communion and Jesus own physical body broken on the cross. But suddenly it dawned on me that we have TWO things that we are told ARE the body of Christ Jesus: the bread at communion and the church (or the family of God). And it suddenly felt very real to me that when Jesus says, “This is my body broken for you” He is talking about how he himself will be broken, and about how the bread will be broken, AND about how his church and the members of his church will be broken. And this weekend I experienced that a little bit.

I feel like I experienced my brokenness and my past story and my personal expectations rub up against the brokenness and past stories and expectations of others in my community.

And it hurt…

… but today I find myself thanking God for it.

Thank you, Lord that I am part of your broken body!

Thank you for the darkness and the tension and the differences.

Thank you for hurting me so that I could more clearly see my own biases and brokenness.

Thank you for a community that is willing to be open with one another, and share our hearts and hurts with each other even when that’s really hard and when doing it might be really difficult.

Thank you for a community that is willing to love each other, and love the differences we see in each other even when those differences hurt us.

Thank you for a community that is willing to stay in it together instead of choosing the easier path.

Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you, for sending your son to be broken like we are.

Lord, I know and I trust that you are a God of restoration and redemption and resurrection. I know and trust that you love to take that which is broken and make it whole again. That’s what I see you being about and that is what I want to be about. Lord, forgive me for the ways that I have broken instead of redeemed, forgive me for the ways I have done that even tonight. Lord, continue to work in me – don’t give up on me – work in me to take all my broken pieces and make me whole. Lord, work in us as a community and make us whole. Make us a community that is about restoration and redemption and resurrection.

Tonight I still feel a bit sad and tired, but I also feel deep hope.

Tonight I was reminded of why I choose to be a part of this community, and why I love each of the unique members of this community.

Tonight I experienced more of what it means to actually live in real community.

Tonight I feel thankful.

Tonight I am encouraged to be part of God’s broken body and I look expectantly towards the resurrection and wholeness that is coming.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany

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Tonight…

November 8th, 2008

Tonight I experienced this truth: Living in real community with other people can be more than just messy, it can be painful.

Tonight I felt really disappointed, sad and even angry.

Tonight I cried uncontrollably on a crowded public bus.

Tonight I feel exhausted.

Tonight I ask that you would pray that I would be able to respond in grace and love, while also being honest and authentic.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany

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