Posts Tagged ‘love’

My Story: How I Got Engaged

August 12th, 2010

n627823094_260099_7122Today I want to share with you about how my husband proposed. We had been dating for just over a year and personally I was already chomping at the bit to get married. I was very ready! In fact I might have been a little annoying. I remember the day before Bryan proposed I had a dream that he proposed and all my family and friends were there and I remember telling him that dream and him basically telling me something to the extent of “Well, you are just going to have to wait. I’ve got to save up for a ring, I might want to finish school first. Just be patient.” Well, he sure fooled me.

It was a Saturday and after a busy week of school and work we had planned to have a long day just the two of us. We decided to go to a movie and then to a wine and chocolate tasting at Whole Foods. We had an enjoyable time at the movie and an even more enjoyable time at the wine tasting. After trying some chocolate and wine we decided we weren’t quite ready to head back to Bryan’s parents, where we had plans for dinner. Bryan suggested going down to the Kirkland waterfront and walking by the water a little while. I quickly vetoed that since it was cold and raining (it was February in Seattle after all). I suggested we just walk around Whole Foods for a while more, which is what we did.

We got a gelato and wondered through the store looking at various items, talking casually about food and our future. It was the weekend before Valentine’s day so as we walked we snacked on some candy hearts. Bryan had them all in a bag in his pocket and would pick them out and hand them to me. We’d read the little saying on the top and respond by giggling, or smiling or stealing quick kisses. I remember feeling incredible happy and content.

On the way out Bryan bought me a single rose. THEN we were walking to the car and just as we reached the car and he opened the door for me he handed me another candy heart, this one said “Marry Me”. I was NOT amused. I turned and looked at him with a seriously-how-could-you-tease-me-about-that look on my face only to find that he was getting on his knee and pulling out a ring. I am pretty sure I screamed and kissed him. He says I never actually said yes, but I am pretty sure it was somewhere in that scream.

We got in the car and I instantly started calling my parents, and family and friends. I had gotten about half way through the calls, when we got to Bryan’s parents house. Little did I know that most of my family and friends were already inside. I walked in to find my parents and sister and a number of other people who are near and dear to me. Bryan had planned the whole thing. Poor guy had planned on proposing at the waterfront, but when I vetoed that he needed to come up with another plan as the date came to a close he knew he had to ask before we got back to the house so he did it in the parking lot. We laugh now about the fact that we got engaged in the Whole Foods parking lot (and about the fact that Whole Foods was the only place I went when I was in labor and one of the first places I took my son after he was born – I might like that place a little too much).

The party at Bryan’s parents was perfect. It was good food and great people and we all just talked and dreamed about wedding plans the whole time. That night the girls and I stayed in a hotel room together and had some great girl time dreaming about colors and flowers and other wedding things. The next day we all had brunch together back at Bryan’s parents house and there was a lot more wedding discussion. By the end of brunch we’d all agreed that the wedding would be at a villa in Italy.

Well, that’s how we got engaged. I like thinking back on that story – thanks for letting me reminisce.

If you are married, how did you get engaged? I’d love to hear your story.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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AND

August 11th, 2010

This post is another guest post from my dear friend, Tara. I love this concept that she shares about living in the AND in marriage – recognizing both the similarities AND the differences. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with us Tara!

AndPictureIn the beginning, God created the “and”. He created the heavens AND the earth, the sun AND the moon, the land AND the seas, creatures in the ocean AND in the air. It is as though for each thing He makes, He also fashions a counterpart….He does not choose one OR the other but creates with an all encompassing AND.

As a crowning glory on His of work of art, the scriptures tell us, “male AND female He created them”. He sets up a holy, beautiful tension between these two like-yet-different creatures and we have had to live with it ever since!

See, when we first got married, I am not sure we knew how to live in the “AND”. I really thought my husband and I were so much alike. As we dated, the similarities were striking and I was amazed at how his view on life was so much like mine!! We liked the same things, thought the same thoughts, believed the same things…and there was some truth to that. However, there was some truth to the fact that “either/or” thinking was deeply engrained in both of us. It was either what he wanted or what I wanted; someone would have to switch their ways. It was a small world to live in. There was only room for one kind of something – 1 answer, 1 truth, 1 person. It was a world that valued a soulmate who was made out of the same substance rather than a counterpart who was quite different.

We got married in this paradigm and now it makes me laugh. I think it was God’s way of (lovingly) tricking us into getting to the alter! They say love is blind and covers a multitude of sins, to which I respond “yes, but the length of marriage not only heals our eyesight, but proceeds to uncover all our dirt!”. For us, God had us come together in the safety of marriage so then He could break down our “either/or” thinking in order to lead us into His large and sometimes paradoxical AND.

(I wrote this a few years ago as I was wrestling through being different from my husband…)

Are David and I soulmates? No. Elizabeth Barrett Browning once wrote “whatever the stuff souls are made of, ours are the same substance.” Not so with David and I. Our souls are made of different stuff but they do need each other – to find completeness in the other.

Take sodium & chloride – individually, they are toxic, dangerous elements but together they literally become salt to the world. We are like that. I need him, he needs me. I have a mystic bent; he is a systematic theologian. He wants labels, categories, governing dynamics; I thrive within inexplicable events. He is the voice of reason and logic; I am the voice of imagination and emotion. He is paralyzed by fear, but when fear comes I am ready to pick up my sword and fight. I am paralyzed by being overwhelmed, but in the midst of that he gets calm and becomes an anchor embedded in rock, not tossed by the turbulent seas of emotion.

No, David is not my soulmate – for that would be far too small and easy. It could not stretch my faith or provide the practice field for increasing strength, endurance, and honing the skills given by the Creator. No, he is not my soulmate; he is my completer.

So what does this mean in marriage? It means I do not live in the fantasy of being the same nor in the aloofness of being different. I stand in the reality of our differences and learn to embrace the largeness of male AND female. I learn to share my perspective knowing that it is necessary but not complete. I know I do not need to diminish who I am but do not need to defend it either. And I bring all I am to the table of marriage and he does the same AND somehow in the feasting we become more than what we were.

PictureofTaraForSiteTara Malouf makes her home in the Seattle area with her husband and two kids. She loves images and words, quiet and beauty, walking and prayer. She sees with “connectedness” eyes and thinks life is lived in story. She aspires to be a professional friend.

You can check out her photography at www.redthreadphoto.blogspot.com and her occasional musings at www.stroyformed.wordpress.com

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Ingredients for a Healthy Marriage

August 5th, 2010

Todays guest post was written by my sweet mother-in-law, Lisa. I have been blessed with incredibly caring in-laws who love my husband and I very much. Lisa has always been very open with me about her own marriage and I appreciate all of the wonderful talks we’ve had about life and marriage over the past few years. I hope you all enjoy this post and the beautiful prayer that she shared as much as I did. Thanks again, Lisa!

I have found in my 32 years of being married, that marriage can be an incredibly wonderful experience as well as a hellish one, and that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage because it consists of two imperfect beings. I do believe that marriage is a gift from God, one that should not be taken for granted, and that it is worth all the time, work, and effort it takes to build. There are many ingredients to a healthy and successful marriage.

The first one being Trust. We build trust by allowing ourselves to be accountable to one another as well as surrounding ourselves with those who will ask us the hard questions and keep us accountable. We can create and nurture emotional intimacy by being transparent with one another in a loving and accepting way. As we build trust, it breeds security and respect for each other, which allows us to know that our partner has the health of the marriage as the main priority in everything he or she does.

Forgiveness is essential to a healthy marriage. I have learned that forgiving someone that has wronged you, is not forgetting or even condoning the behavior, but showing grace and choosing reconciliation. It has taken my husband and me many years to bring our two very different ways of conflict resolution together to make them work. Rather than ignoring the situation with cold silence, we’ve learned to talk about the issue as soon as we were able. Sometimes it took awhile to cool down, gain perspective and think clearly, but we learned that resolving it as soon as possible was best for the health of the marriage.

Effective communication means verbalizing needs and listening carefully. We can not expect to go through our marriage without having to face conflict. God made us different, both with faults and strengths, however made to help each other grow spiritually. Learning effective communication skills will certainly help your marriage grow. We learned that “reflective listening” helped us hear what the other was trying to communicate. When one of us would relay a message, the other would repeat back what we heard. We were surprised to find out that many times we heard something that was not even said. This allowed us to clarify what the true issue was before jumping to wrong conclusions and responding prematurely.

One ingredient that is very important to me is Laughter. Humor keeps our marriage fresh and fun. Laughing together has the ability to form two people into kindred spirits, soul mates. Studies have proven that laughter is good for your health and can relieve stress and even pain by producing a natural tranquilizing effect on the body. Laughter can only take place when you spend time together. When you laugh together, the result is bonding and friendship. Laughter, and the resulting friendship, is comfortable, enjoyable and deeply satisfying. Laughter is about connecting. Finding a way to laugh about difficult issues helps you take yourself less seriously, and helps you put problems into focus.

Love and Romance are wonderful qualities to a healthy marriage. In the beginning, it seems to come more naturally than as time goes on, but it is crucial to put effort in keeping this aspect of your union alive. We have found that keeping a “date night” at least once a month is a good way to accomplish this. Once kids enter the picture, it becomes even more important to put the time and effort into keeping the love and romance alive. We have found that the best thing we can do for our kids is to love one another, have a healthy relationship and be a good example for them.

Ultimately, a good marriage is built on a foundation of love; but the bricks-and-mortar that rest on that foundation, such as communication, respect, and spending time together, take some effort. I would like to end with a prayer that I wrote down many years ago, and go back to many times: Lord, you truly are the giver of gifts and the author of marriage.

Lord, thank you for the gift you have given me in my husband. I know in the depths of my soul that you are trust worthy, faithful, all knowing, caring and loving and you knew what you were doing when you gave this gift to me. Help me receive this gift as you intended, help me cherish the differences and see how our gaps fit together instead of resenting them. Help me take on your character to enable me to participate in this union as I truly was meant to. Amen

myspace photoLisa Stedman is a wife of 32 years to Blake Stedman, and a mother to Bryan Stedman(age 26) and Tamara Stedman(age 23). She is a business owner of “Philo and Honey”, a company she founded to keep her family’s time honored tradition of making baklava alive. Lisa is also an artist, and especially enjoys painting watercolors. She also enjoys working out at the gym as well as hula hooping, entertaining, spending time with family and friends, and reading. She has felt very fulfilled in these many roles and feels very blessed.

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From the Trenches: Blake and Lisa Stedman

August 2nd, 2010

17170_1357193053316_1336176289_993865_692933_nAs part of Love and Marriage Month here on the blog I decided to run a special little series that I’m calling From the Trenches. The idea behind this is to highlight and interview different married couple’s that I know. These will all be married couple’s who I admire, who have taught me something about marriage, and whose relationship has helped to inform and shape my own marriage. I’m really excited about doing these interviews and hope you all enjoy them as much as I know I will.

I want to start this series by sharing Blake and Lisa Stedman with you. If you couldn’t guess from the last name, Blake and Lisa are my in-laws, but they have also been good family friends of my parents for as long as I can remember and I have had the privilege of watching their marriage develop and grow throughout the years even before I was ever interested in their son. Blake and Lisa have so graciously and openly welcomed me into their family and I am honored that they took the time to sit down together and answer these questions for me and for all of you. I hope you enjoy reading this interview as much as I did.

How did you meet?

In High School.  We had driver’s Ed together, but it was not until the second semester of our sophomore year that Blake asked me out.  It was the last day of school in Earth Science when Blake asked me for my number, but he did not call until the next year in our Junior year (we were both shy).

When did you first know that this was the person you were going to marry?

We dated through the rest of high school, broke up in college, got back together during our Junior year of college, it was then that we knew.  During the time that we were apart, we had the opportunity to date other people, and because of that became more sure of each other.

How long did you date for?n627823094_1141199_4915

5 1/2 years before we got married and 32 years since.

How did you propose?

Blake proposed the first time when we were just out of high school and I was not ready so I said no. After we got back together in college, we were so sure about our relationship that we just began talking about our future together.

How long were you engaged?

One year.  I announced the good news to my sorority sisters by a traditional “candle passing”.  That is when the engagement ring is put in a flower bouquet and is passed around at the sorority meeting and stops at the “bride to be”.  It was so fun and such a dramatic moment, it seemed like a wonderful way to start our engagement, all the planning and the excitement of our new life together.

Tell us a little bit about your wedding?

It was a large traditional Armenian wedding with 550 guests for an elaborate sit down dinner.  It was a huge celebration that lasted well into the next morning.  We got married in the same Armenian Cathedral that my parents got married in, which was the last wedding in that church.

Did you have a difficult first year of marriage?

Yes  How was it adjusting to married life?  We found out very quickly that we were brought up very differently and had different ways to not only look at things but resolve conflicts.  It took many years of hard work to bring about the oneness that God promises.

n627823094_1141198_4684What was the worst fight you ever had?

When we fought about buying our first house.  To me it was a wonderful home for us and to Blake it was a poor financial decision.

What do you fight about the most?

We used to fight about finances the most.  Since I have gotten more involved in our daily finance make better decisions as a couple and are more on the same page.

What’s the best way to resolve a fight?

Rather than ignoring the situation with cold silence, we’ve learned to talk about the issue as soon as we were able. Sometimes it took awhile to cool down, gain perspective and think clearly, but we learned that resolving it as soon as possible was best for the health of the marriage.

How have your fights changed over the years?

They not as volatile, do not last as long and have become more respectful of each other.

How do you handle when you have conflicting opinions?

We do not make rash decisions, we talk about our opinions and work it through until we come up with something that works for both of us.  Sometimes it takes awhile to accomplish this, but it is worth the time in the long run.

What’s the hardest thing about being married?

Learning to be selfless.

What’s the greatest thing about being married?

Sharing hopes and dreams as well as sharing daily life with your best friend, being known.

Did you ever think about getting divorced? Why or why not?

Yes we both did, but dismissed the idea right away when we realized that because we have children we would be in each others lives for the rest of our life.  We felt that it would be better to work through the issues we had and are very glad that we did.

What have you learned about listening to your spouse?

We have learned that sometimes we hear something completely different than what was intended by the other person.  We started to implement “reflective listening” in which one person states what is on their mind and the other person repeats what they heard.  We were so surprised that many times the information would be completely different.  We would continue the process until we both felt understood and heard.

What makes your marriage work?17170_1357192293297_1336176289_993850_7359644_n

Much prayer, much forgiveness and romance.

How did having children effect your marriage?

Our focus had changed, but we learned that it was still very important to make time for one another even though it was much more difficult to do so.

What advice would you have for a newly married couple?

Be forgivers, showing grace and choosing reconciliation.

What advice do you have for a couple that’s been married 5 years, like Bryan and I – we are not really newly weds, but we’re still just starting out in many ways?

God intends for marriage to be a lifelong process, so there are many aspects that take years to develop.  Realize that there are many layers to intimacy and takes years to develop.  Treat each other with respect, gentleness, and patience.

Thanks, Blake and Lisa!!

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

The first and last picture were taken by Tara Malouf at Red Thread Photo. The middle two were taken by me, Beth Stedman.

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Introducing LOVE and MARRIAGE Month

August 1st, 2010

I’m naming August my own “Love and Marriage Month” this year in honor of Bryan and my 5th wedding anniversary. So, here’s what you can expect from Love and Marriage Month:

I’m planning on interviewing a number of couples whose marriages I really admire and also sharing more about my own story and marriage with you all. I’m also playing with ideas for posts like Aphrodisiac Foods, Cheap Date Night Ideas, Homemade Gelato Recipes, Romantic Menu Plans, and lots more. So, stay tuned!

PS – if you are interested in writing about LOVE and MARRIAGE I’m looking for a few more guest bloggers (since I will still be traveling through most of August). So, if you want to join in the fun, send me an email and let me know!

So, to kick off Love and Marriage Month here’s a simple picture from my wedding…

J47

We were crazy about each other then and we are still crazy about each other now!

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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