Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

The Giving Tree

July 31st, 2009

My husband and I both have very fond memories of reading the book The Giving Tree as children. I always thought it was a wonderful book and it was one of the first children’s books that we put on our wish list. We were very excited to receive a beautiful hard cover copy of it as a gift for our baby. So, a few nights ago I decided to open it up and read it aloud to my stomach. Ever since then I have sort of been thinking about it off and on. Something about it really bothered me when I read it the other night and it continued to bother me throughout the last few days. Today thoughts started to form around this vague bothered feeling and I want to share them here.

I’m guessing that many of you have read this book as it is a very popular children’s story, but if you haven’t here is a short recap of the story from Amazon:

“In Shel Silverstein’s popular tale of few words and simple line drawings, a tree starts out as a leafy playground, shade provider, and apple bearer for a rambunctious little boy. Making the boy happy makes the tree happy, but with time it becomes more challenging for the generous tree to meet his needs. When he asks for money, she suggests that he sell her apples. When he asks for a house, she offers her branches for lumber. When the boy is old, too old and sad to play in the tree, he asks the tree for a boat. She suggests that he cut her down to a stump so he can craft a boat out of her trunk. He unthinkingly does it. At this point in the story, the double-page spread shows a pathetic solitary stump, poignantly cut down to the heart the boy once carved into the tree as a child that said “M.E. + T.” “And then the tree was happy… but not really.” When there’s nothing left of her, the boy returns again as an old man, needing a quiet place to sit and rest. The stump offers up her services, and he sits on it. “And the tree was happy.”

Ok, so I have always thought that this story was a great example of selflessness and generous giving, but as I read it again as an adult I found a whole different story within it and it was honestly unsettling.

Let’s talk about the boy first. The little boy, who grows into an old man through the course of the story, is definitely not someone I want my son to be like. He’s selfish and an incessant consumer. He takes, and takes and takes. He knows the tree loves him and he uses that love to his own advantage to get what he wants. He has no thought for the destructive force of his actions. I do not want my son to manipulate others love for him in the way this boy did. I don’t want him to selfishly walk all over people the way this little boy did. I don’t want him to endlessly consume from others and from the natural resources around him the way this little boy did with no thought of consequences. The boy is not a character I want my son to emulate.

So, how about the tree? When I was younger I felt that the tree was the real hero in the story, the character that should be emulated. I thought the tree’s selfless giving was beautiful and fulfilling, but now I see a different story and a different side of things. It’s true the tree is selfless and giving, generous and loving and these are all characteristics that I want my son to have and strive after. But, as I read the story this time, I felt uncomfortable with the tree’s giving. It seemed unhealthy. The relationship that the tree has with the boy seems abusive and the tree seems to be victimized in the story. The tree allows herself to be walked all over and taken advantage of time and time again. As I read it I felt uncomfortable with the way that the tree enabled and sustained the little boys consumption and selfishness. I do want my son to be giving, I do want him to pour himself out on behalf of others and love others generously, but I do not want my son to become as weak as this tree and allow himself to be abused and taken advantage of like that. As I look more closely at this story I don’t think that the tree is really worthy of emulating either.

I think the story actually shows us how messed up two good things can become in a relationship. Here’s what I mean… Giving selflessly to another is incredibly beautiful and valuable. And I personally also believe that allowing ourselves to accept and receive and take from another what they freely offer us is also incredibly beautiful and valuable. Relationships need and should have both these things. We should be able to give freely and receive freely in relationships. But, I think there needs to be balance. The problem comes when the balance is lost and it becomes all giving or all taking – it’s then that the relationship can become unhealthy like that of the little boy and the tree. At least that’s what I think at this stage in my life as I read this story. Anyone else have any other thoughts on this classic children’s book??

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany

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Bouncing Questions off the walls of my Brain

August 15th, 2008

Wow. I feel like I went from really having nothing to write about a few hours ago to having TONS of thoughts bouncing around my head all of a sudden for no apparent real reason. I really want to write about all of these thoughts, but I can’t really figure out how to write about them right now… hum… Guess I really am tired. Well, maybe for now I’ll just list out a few general things I’m thinking about for later reference…

-          Listening to God – I’ve experienced this in little ways lately and have been thinking about it a lot. What does it really mean to listen to God and what does it look like in our day to day lives?

-          What does it really mean to listen to another human being and really understand what they are trying to say (not what you think they are trying to say but what they are really trying to say)?

-          When you get better at listening to your own heart does it get easier or harder to listen to other people’s hearts?

-          How do you handle times when you are listening to someone and really understanding them and what they are saying really makes sense and you can understand how they would see it that way, but it is so different from your own experience and so different from your own believes and maybe even conflicts with your own hurts? How do you listen to them and validate them while also being genuine and validating to your own story/believes/hurts?

-          Is it always important to get feelings you feel or hurts you experience or ideas/believes you have out in the open? Or is it sometimes beneficial to keep something to yourself or even hid it so as not to hurt someone or cause conflict?

-          How do you really listen to someone when what they are expressing a desire for is something that you don’t want to happen and even fear happening?

Yeah, all these questions/thoughts keep bouncing around my head. Any one of them could probably be a post in and of itself or I probably could have integrated them into one post that was much more coherent then this. But, it’s late. I’m tired. My head is too full with the questions to actually be able to piece them apart into a coherent blog, and so for now you get to just have a little glimpse into my crazy brain.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Friendship and Confession…

February 22nd, 2008

Confession isn’t popular. People not only don’t like to do it, they don’t even really like to think about it or talk about it. One way I know this because I don’t like to do it or to think about it or talk about it (not to mention that the blog I previously wrote on confession is incredibly unpopular statistically, but I digress…)

Yesterday, a friend asked what my focus for this third week of lent was and I told her “friends or more generally focusing on my relationships with those the people I come in contact with.”Her response was something to the extent of asking what that will look like and asking “so will you be confessing to friends this week?” I was kind of taken back by the question… I hadn’t planned on it. I didn’t want to confess to friends. I think as I had been thinking about this week I had thought mostly about praying for people I know and for the strangers I pass by, about being open to God leading me to talk to someone I normally wouldn’t talk to or to listen to a friend who needs a listening ear. I had thought about focusing on being a good friend to my friends and to those I wouldn’t normally consider my friends. But, I had forgotten that being a good friend requires openness and honesty and being open and honest requires confession. And I had forgotten the other focus of Lent that God kept bringing up in my research… repairing brokenness.

Is there brokenness in my relationships with others (whether they are family members, friends, acquaintances, etc) that God wants me to confess and mend?

Lord, look for truth deep within my relationships and show me where I might need to confess to them and to you and repent and change the way I relate to others. In Jesus name. Amen.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Beth Stedman

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Week 3 of Lent… being a good friend… to all…

February 19th, 2008

So, for those of you who don’t know I decided to join my friends the Malouf’s in journeying through different areas/relationships through prayer during Lent. And so this week Tara writes about praying for, thinking about and noticing the “invisibles” around us. Those people that live in close proximity to us but maybe aren’t our friends or acquaintances. It’s a challenging idea and I encourage you to read more of her thoughts on her blog.

So, here’s where I am this week – week 3 of Lent… I think because I focused so intently on my marriage (a wonderfully rewarding discipline/focus) last week I feel like I would be missing something to jump right to praying for and focusing on brokenness in my relationship with the “invisibles”… I think I still need to pray for and focus on mending brokenness in my relationships with my friends and family. But, I was also really challenged by Tara’s thoughts on the invisible and I don’t want to miss out on that either. So, where does that leave me for week 3 of Lent? I think I am just going to focus very generally on praying for all those with whom I have contact this week. Focusing on what it means to be a friend to the invisibles and my friends alike. I will be asking God to repair brokenness in my relationships with those that I know intimately, with those that I know personally, and with those that I only come in contact with socially. For me this week will be a time to ask God to reveal people to me – reveal to me how I can befriend the friend at my side and the unknown “invisible” that I pass by on the street. I think sometimes those that I call “friend” can sometimes become just as invisible to me as those that I pass by on the street and choose to ignore.

One thing I would like to incorporate as a discipline and practice for this week is the Caim Prayer – or Celtic circling prayer. Tara wrote some about this concept here  and I have been thinking and reading a little bit about it as well. I want to approach my relationships and friendships this week with an intent awareness of God’s presence, asking Him to surround and encircle each that I come into contact with.

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Lord, may you use this week to shape me into a better friend to my friends, a better family member to my family, a better neighbor to the invisibles that I come in contact with. Change me, Lord, make me more like you. Help me to really see people this week and be aware of how to love them in ways that feel loving to them. In Jesus name. Amen.

Rejoicing in the journey –
Beth Stedman

Photograph by Beth Stedman

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