So, I’m feeling a lot of shame about the fact that I haven’t updated everyone sooner about what’s happening with Wheels4Sage post-auction and about the van hunt. 

But the thing about shame is it’s a de-motivator, so the more time passed, the more shame I felt, and the more I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide rather than write the damn post. Shame is the worst, isn’t it?

Here’s the short of it: 

It took us awhile to figure out what would be best for our family. We’ve never had an accessible vehicle before and, with more options than we had first realized, we just weren’t sure what was best. But, we think we’ve finally found something that meets all our needs. Only problem is it’s not here in Arizona, so we’re waiting for the dealership to send it here (which will take about a week or more). Assuming it’s what we think it is once we actually see it, then we’ll buy it and we’ll be on our way!

Here’s the long of it: 

The weekend after the auction closed, I was ready to go buy something. I wanted to just get it done. I was chomping at the bit, as they say. I had done my research. I knew the dealership I wanted to go to, and I thought I knew what we needed. Then I realized there was a slight hiccup in my plan — it would take a few days for the money to transfer out of donorbox, so we couldn’t just buy something right away. 

Fine, no problem. We will just go look at cars and not buy anything yet, but that way we’ll know even more what we want. Then Sage and I got sick. 

OK, change of plans. We’ll just look on-line and do more research then we’ll go once all the money transfers out of donorbox. 

Then my sister called. She’d found an organization, The Steelman Foundation, which gave grants to families for wheelchair accessible vans and she wanted us to apply. 

“I really don’t think we’ll qualify,” I told her. I’d looked into grants before and for one reason or another we never qualified. 

“I think you should just try,” she said and explained to me that she’d already talked to someone and they would be expecting our application. Then she told me that this organization particularly liked to give to families that had already done some crowdfunding and already raised some money. Basically, what they specialize in is adding a little extra so that families can get something a little newer that will last a little longer. 

Honestly, I dragged my feet sending in the application. It felt like I had already gotten over all the hurdles to getting this vehicle and we were already at the finish line and then someone added one more hurdle. But, I knew that if we could get the grant it would be worth it and I would be grateful, so we sent in the application. 

The Steelman Foundation did a phone interview soon after, which resulted in them telling us that they’d already given all the grants they planned to give for the year, but if we could find a vehicle at this one particular dealership (the only dealership they will work with) then they might help us out. 

Sage and I were still sick, so Bryan and my brother-in-law went to the dealership to see what they could find. By this point it had already been at least two weeks since the auction closed. 

And here we ran into another snag. 

The dealership only had one rear-entry vehicle in stock here in Arizona and it only had “aftermarket 2nd row smaller seats.” This was an option we hadn’t known anything about and basically it means that the 2nd row seats were flat, narrow boards — not ideal for sitting in. Bryan came home and thus started a bunch of back and forth emails with the guy at the dealership (who really wasn’t the best communicator) and lots of confused conversations between Bryan and I about what would really be best. 

Are we sure we want a rear entry? I don’t know. I think so. 
Could we make due with the smaller seats? Maybe, we mostly just drive the kids around. But, this will be our only car and what about when your family comes to visit? 
Well, the dealership has other cars in other states. Let’s get a list. 

By this point both Bryan and I were deep in the middle of our own unhealthy psychological patterns. 

Bryan and I are both firstborns with a strong sense of responsibility. You all had been so generous and we wanted to honor that generosity by getting the best possible thing we could with that money. We didn’t want to make a poor decision. We felt a sense of responsibility to get the best possible car we could with the money we had. 

We both share a strong desire to do the right thing and make the best decision, which means that when we aren’t sure what the best decision is, we delay making a decision at all. 

In addition to that, if you’re familiar with the Enneagram, Bryan’s a 9 and I’m a 4, which might tell you everything you need to know. Basically, neither of us are good at maintaining motivation over a long period of time. 

I had put together a successful auction (something I’d never done before and had no experience with) in less than 3 weeks. I’d made decisions about the auction in a split second, without any waffling or indecision. I could see the vision and I knew how to go after it. But, two weeks later I couldn’t even make the simplest decision about how to move forward. I had completely run out of steam. 

Bryan and I also have something else in common, when we feel overwhelmed we hard core withdraw. 

Add to all this the fact that Bryan started back into cancer treatment last week and, well, the result is we’ve both been pretty slow moving in dealing with the car.

The guy from the dealership send a word document list with information about all of the cars in the country that met our requirements. Just looking at it made my eyes cross and my brain freeze. We felt more than overwhelmed, we felt paralyzed. 

I misunderstood something in the email and thought that only two of the vehicles had the normal (bigger) seats in the 2nd row, so I wrote back and asked to learn more about those two and see pictures. Pictures of the more expensive one were sent back to us, but not the other one. 

Could we afford the more expensive? Maybe, if Steelman helped. 
Should we try for that? Maybe, but what if Steelman doesn’t help? 

Paralyzed again. 

Eventually, after talking to Steelman again and pressing the guy at the dealership for more options, we learned about a 2017 Dodge with less than 30k miles on it for only $35k (around $40k once we added on tax). So, we picked that one and asked them to bring it out (it’s currently in another state) so we can test drive it. We haven’t bought it yet and it still feels like there are lots of things that could go wrong, but we’re one step closer. And at the moment, that feels like a really big deal. 

I didn’t expect the process to take this long. I’m kind of ashamed that something so little and normal as buying a car could be so overwhelming for me, especially when the hardest part (financing) was completely provided for through the generosity of others. But, this shouldn’t surprise me, this is not new for me, so often the simple, normal things are the things that feel insurmountable. I like to blame this on Bryan’s cancer diagnosis or Sage’s CP diagnosis and the background stress I constantly carry from those two things, but the truth is probably something much more complex. No matter what, the responsibility ultimately lands on me and I feel the need to apologize… to Sage, to all those who stepped in and helped us with the auction, to everyone who made donations, I’m sorry we haven’t moved more quickly on this. I’m sorry.

I expected to have a car by now, but we’re getting there and I’m hopeful that very soon we will end up with something that will last a long time and work well for us for years to come. 

Grace and peace,
Bethany