I have a confession… sometimes I hate being a mom. Sometimes I feel totally lost and like the worst mom ever. Sometimes I feel totally selfish and just want to “send him back”. Yesterday was one of those days. This is the prayer I wrote at the end of it…

Lord, forgive me for the ugliness of my own heart.

Forgive me for the resentment I can harbor in my heart towards my precious child.

Forgive me for the anger that can well up so quickly from nowhere even towards one so young, helpless, and innocent.

Forgive me for the deep selfishness that so often lifts its head to threaten my intimacy with my beautiful baby.

Teach me to love my child even when his needs, demands, and fussing keeps me from those things which I both need and want.

Teach me to love my child when he cries all through the night and keeps me from much needed sleep.

Teach me to love my child even when his whining and crying keeps me from doing those things which I think I “have” to do - like the dishes, or keeping the house clean, or getting the laundry done, or responding to emails.

Teach me to love my child when he kicks me, pulls my hair, and aggressively pushes me away when I am holding him – it’s not personal.

Teach me to love my child even when his desire for my constant presence and attention keep me from pursuing my own hobbies and interests.

Teach me to love my child even when I can’t ever finish anything I start.

Teach me to love my child even when he won’t go down for naps and I have little to no break.

Give me new vision for this little person that has been entrusted to me.

Place a new passion on my heart for the gift of life that I hold in my arms.

Give me patience for those moments when I feel lost and confused.

Give me peace and encouragement for those times when I feel like the worst mother ever.

Give me endurance for the sleepless nights and the long days of endless chores and monotonous activity.

Teach me to find joy in reading simple board books over and over again.

Teach me to find joy in being constantly chewed and sucked on whether it’s my finger, breast, arm, elbow, shoulder or chin, or whatever.

Teach me to find joy in narrating my actions, singing silly songs like the itsy bitsy spider, dangling toys just out of reach, and generally entertaining my baby however I can.

Teach me to find joy in holding my child even when my arms ache and my back is sore.

Teach me to find joy in the constant noise and the loss of the silence which I used to enjoy.

Teach me to find joy in being my child’s own personal jungle gym.

And when I need it most bring me rest.

I can’t do it on my own. Change me, Lord. Teach me to find peace and joy and identity in my new role as mother. Bring new life and rejuvenation. Resurrect me.

Amen.

I have another confession to make… sometimes I really love being a mom. Sometimes I feel totally fulfilled by simply taking care of my child and my husband. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the amount of love and affection I can feel towards my baby. Sometimes I feel like I have it all figured out. Today was one of those sometimes. Here is my prayer today…

Thank you, Lord, for being present with me in the mundane details of my day today.

Thank you for bringing sleep to my sons heavy eyes so that I could rest and work.

Thank you for giving me motivation and creativity so that I could get things done while still being intimately with my child.

Thank you for giving me ways to entertain him at just the right moments when I felt like I was completely out of ideas.

Thank you for a productive and positive day – a day when my hands worked hard, and my back ached, but I can now look around and feel proud of what I accomplished.

Thank you for giving me this day my daily bread – for meeting my needs right where I was.

But, Lord, I know that today was a good day only because of your grace to me.

I thank you for it, yet I know that I still stand on fragile ground.

I still need you… desperately.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Who knows what tonight will bring.

Whatever you choose to send, I am choosing now to accept it from your hands.

I trust that you know what’s best for me.

I trust that you know what’s best for my son.

I trust that you know what’s best for my family.

And I trust that you will meet our needs, at exactly the moment we need you to.

Lord, I need you.

I need you to continually speak sweet encouragement to me as I struggle to figure out what it looks like to mother well.

I need you to continually make me less self centered and more selfless so that I can gladly meet the needs of my child without resentment.

I need you to continually bring me days of rest and nights when my baby will sleep, because when my body is fatigued my mind and soul are hard pressed to meet each days demands.

I need you to show me what is really required of me so that I don’t heap unneeded guilt upon my own shoulders or the shoulders of those around me.

Today I rejoice over a good day, and over how far you have brought me from the place I was in yesterday.

But, today I also recognize that I still have a long way to go and tomorrow is another day.

So, again I pray…

I can’t do it on my own. Change me, Lord. Teach me to find peace and joy and identity in my new role as mother. Bring new life and rejuvenation. Resurrect me.

Amen. Rejoicing in the journey - Bethany Stedman