We become who we listen to, who we follow, who we elect

When I was young, I was one of those people who said “I’m not political.” I’m a bit ashamed of that now. It showed my privilege. It showed my fear.

Then about a decade ago, I started slowly seeking out varying view points and forming my own opinions about politics. Rather than shying away from political conversations, I started asking questions. And like anything else, I wrote — it’s how I pull my thoughts into existence, it’s how I process. I blogged about the last few presidential elections (2016, 2012, 2008) and found it incredibly cathartic and empowering. I also found it terrifying. Terrifying to so publicly speak an opinion that varied from my family, and from the majority of my community at the time.

This year, there’s been so much I’ve wanted to say, but mostly I’ve found myself hesitating. Hesitating, because I don’t want to be adding noise to chaos. Hesitating, because I don’t believe social media or even blog posts are the best place for political conversations in divided times. These are conversations best had with open ears and soft hearts, where one person can look another person in the eye and ask what it is they care about, what it is they value; where two people can both feel heard and seen.

So, why even bother sharing something online? The only answer I have is that this is what I do, this is how I process — there is something in me that burns until I share my voice, not just with one, but with many. Maybe it’s something in me that’s broken, maybe it’s something in me that’s whole — I’m not really sure. But I’m wired to speak. I don’t feel right when I stay silent.

And there is something I want to say right now...

I’ve been thinking about a conversation Bryan and I had on our first anniversary. We spent a weekend at a local hotel and we sat in the beautiful lobby, listening to someone play piano and talking about what kind of people we wanted to be. We intentionally made choices and dreamed dreams, not about goals or the kind of life we would have, but about the kind of people we wanted to be.

It’s easy to become by default. If we aren’t intentionally making choices to become better, to become who we want to be, we end up pulled by whatever current is strongest around us.

You know the old saying, “You are the culmination of the five people you spend the most time with.” It’s, of course, true, but the truth of this extends beyond just your friendships. We don’t only become like our closest friends, we also become like the people we listen to, the books we read, the people we follow on social media, and the communities we live in.

Like it or not human’s are incredibly easy to influence — no matter how strong willed you think you are, or how much you think you are making your own choices, research shows otherwise. This is why it’s so important who we surround ourselves with, who we listen to and follow, and elect.

Which leads me to just one (of many reasons) why I voted for Biden and not Trump.

I know people who would argue why Trump should be elected and given another term, for the moment, I’m not interested in any of those arguments. For just a moment, all I want to look at is the man himself. He is unarguably chaotic, divisive, reactive, argumentative, disrespectful, and manipulative. I have family members who might argue that those characteristics have made him a good business man, but the evidence suggests otherwise, and even if that is true, is that who I want us to become?

I don’t think anyone would try to argue that we have not become, as a nation, MORE divisive, chaotic, reactive, argumentative, and disrespectful (not to mention that we’ve also lost the respect of most of the world) — these are words I’ve seen both political parties use to describe 2020. We are obviously and unarguably more argumentative and divided as a nation than anytime I can remember.

Maybe that is not disconnected from the person we have elected to lead us.

I’m not saying that we should elect someone, or not elect someone, based solely on their moral character. Politicians are broken, like all people. But, I can’t stop thinking about how our choices shape who we become, and the people we allow to lead us, the people we choose to listen to shape who we become.

Here’s what I want to become, what I want my children to become, what I want my nation to become:

Thoughtful, intentional people.
Honest, open, curious people, who ask questions and really listen to the answers they’re given.
People who listen well to others, not just to what is said, but what is under what is said.
People who can differ in opinion, while never straying from love.
People capable of engaging in civil discourse without argument or defensiveness.
People willing to take personal responsibility, who recognize when they are wrong and apologize quickly.
People who are soft towards the hurting and gentle toward the grieving.
People who recognize their privilege and are willing and eager to bring more voices to the table.
People who are constantly learning and growing and improving themselves and the world around them.
People who are humble enough to acknowledge what they don’t know and when they should look to experts for help.
People who care about their neighbors and treat all people with respect, honor, and dignity.

When I look at the two presidential candidates this year I see one who emulates many of these characteristics and one who is the polar opposite of everything on this list.

When it comes down to it, here’s why I have hesitated to say anything about this election on social media or on my blog, because I want to be a person who is like the list above. I don’t want to be divisive or stirring up argument. I don’t want to be reactive or condemning. I want to choose to see the dignity of all people, even Donald Trump. And I’ll be honest, sometimes that’s hard for me.

When I look at who I want to become, I know I don’t want to be the kind of person who bashes someone else on the internet (no matter who that someone else is or has proven themself to be). But there’s something else that I want to be, and become, more. Something else that I would add to that list, that feels personal for me. Maybe it’s also something I want for my children and my nation, but it’s ultimately something I feel called to be, and become, and that’s a truth-teller.

This goes back to what I said at the beginning. Something in me burns until I’ve shared the words that are bottled up in me. I need to share what I see, what I experience. And what I see right now is that we are becoming like the person we elected, and I don’t want that to continue. What I see is that the American people are in an abusive relationship (a relationship full of manipulation and gaslighting) with our president and I don’t want to see that continue.

The party of my childhood failed me. We haven’t lived up to what we said we’re about. (If you’re curious to know more of what I mean by that statement, Ryan Holiday has an incredible post which I think sums it up perfectly.)

You might be thinking, “Well, the Democratic Party is even worse!” Maybe. But that’s not primarily what I see in the people I follow and the sources of news I choose to engage with that are left leaning. I see people responding to accusations with patience and grace. I see people calling out the good. I see people asking questions to learn more. I see people being the change they want to see, even running for local office themselves rather than just pointing fingers.

Which makes me sad. Because I come from a right leaning family, in a right leaning community, in a right leaning state and I want to see better from a community that in some ways still feels like it’s mine. But mostly what I see there is anger.

Here’s what I know: I can’t speak for the whole of any party. I’m 100% certain that there are sane, reasonable, compassionate people on both sides. I know many of them. All I can speak for is what I personally want to become and who I personally choose to listen to.

Are these people reactive or calm? Are they stirring up fear and dissension or grace and patience?

At the moment I see more people on the left and left-leaning people modeling that list of what I want to become. I don’t say that smugly, I say it with a lot of grief. Because I want us to be better. I want all of us to be better.

Is this post going to change anything? No. I’m not so naive as to think that. I live in a historically red state, and, as far as I can tell, the community around me is not on the fence or undecided, they are, for the most part, strongly on one side or the other.

But, as for me and my house…

Grace and peace, so much grace and peace,
Bethany

PS — Are you still on the fence and unsure about how to vote this year? I’d be curious to hear from you about what you’re thinking, what you value, and who you want to become.