Pregnancy Journal: Week 13

Some of you who have been reading my blog for a while may have picked up that during my first pregnancy (and so far during this pregnancy) my writing frequency significantly declined. I think some of that is due to just not feeling well and some of it is due to some difficult external things going on at the beginning of both of these pregnancies. It’s funny because usually when I stop writing it’s when I have more on my mind that I could write about, but just can’t seem to sort through it all – maybe when I’m feeling more, my heart takes over and my analytical brain can’t seem to keep up enough to put anything into words. But, it’s often in those moments when it’s most difficult for me to write, when I feel like writing might be most helpful. So, I’m going to try something (and if you’ve been around a while you know I often try things and ditch them, so who knows how long this will last, but I’m gonna try). Basically, I want to try and write a bit of a pregnancy journal, or day book, once a week for a while. I’m going to give myself some sentences to finish, so that there’s a clear structure and I don’t have to just start with a blank screen and see if that helps me to formulate some words out of the tangled mess that is currently in my mind and heart.

So, here goes…

Pregnancy Journal: Week 13

I am seeing… piles and piles of STUFF…everywhere!! There are half packed boxes, half packed suitcases, giveaway piles, trash, toys, and clothing literally all over the place. There are dishes on the counter and I haven’t cleaned the house in more than two weeks. I’ll admit, I’m not the tidiest person anyway, and I will never win any prizes for my housekeeping, but I don’t think it’s ever been this bad. It’s slowly driving me crazy, but until I can start clearing out boxes and getting rid of the giveaway stuff, well, I think it’s just going to have to stay the way it is.

I am hearing… silence right now and it truly is golden! Thaddeus is finally taking a nap and for one of the first times in weeks he is taking a nap without wanting to nurse CONSTANTLY, so I could actually sneak away and enjoy the silence and write.

I am feeling… tired and stressed, but purposeful and hopeful too. I have been having major insomnia and Thaddeus hasn’t been sleeping well either, so exhaustion has been a regular feeling lately. I think yesterday it really dawned on me how much we really have to do before we leave and how quickly that day is really going to come. Three weeks seems so much longer than two weeks – two weeks sort of makes me want to hyperventilate. When it comes to packing and things like this I’m not really a leave things for the last minute kind of girl, but the way that everything went down we decided to leave so last minute that there wasn’t really a choice. Anyway, it’s a bit overwhelming.

But, I am liking that I have a very clear direction for the next few weeks – I know exactly what I need to be doing each day and I like having that purposefulness, honestly, it’s something I haven’t felt in a while. I’m also feeling hopeful that I’ll start to feel better once we get to the states and that makes the stress of the leaving so quickly seem really worth it.

I am thinking… constantly about what I need to be doing next. My brain has suddenly been filled with all the mundane details of packing. But, amidst the to-do lists which are front and center of my mind there are other thoughts lingering… Thoughts about the spirituality of geography, thoughts about the past four years in Prague, thoughts about church, thoughts about God, thoughts about this new baby, thoughts about our future, thoughts about this upcoming year, thoughts about finances, thoughts about creative projects… oh, so many thoughts… and oh so many feelings to go along with each one…

I am thankful… for my husband. SOOO thankful for him! He has been amazing the past few days (he’s always amazing) but I have just felt so grateful for him as we’ve wrestled with whether or not to go back so quickly, and then as we decided to do so and began packing. He’s been so helpful, so encouraging, and so supportive. I really don’t know what I would do without him. I’ve also been so grateful for the kind of father he is – he loves Thaddeus so much and Thaddeus loves him. Bryan has been so quick to jump in and play with Thad or put him down for a nap, or just distract him for a few minutes so that I can finish packing a box, or making dinner, or just rest for a minute so that this pregnancy doesn’t totally destroy me. Really, I have the most amazing husband ever and I’m so thankful for him!!

I am learning… not much formally, but a lot more about myself, my son, and my husband – who we each are, what we each need and what we each don’t need. I feel like this season has pushed us to re-evaluate ourselves and each other a lot.

I am reading… nothing. Well, occasionally over the past few days if Bryan put’s Thaddeus to bed I’ve had short periods to skim a few favorite blogs, but that’s it.

I am creating… LOTS. On top of creating a baby and lots of piles and boxes all around the house I’ve actually been doing a fair amount of sewing lately. Seems like the absolute last thing I should be doing when I have a mile long to-do list and so much to pack, but since I need to pack up all the sewing stuff I’m trying to finish up any projects that I wanted to make this year or at least get them to the place where they are manageable enough to take to the states. I’m also trying to clean out the sewing stuff and get rid of anything that I don’t really need so that has led to finishing up a lot of half finished projects - FINALLY.

One of my favorite things right now… is coconut milk – this has become a new staple in my diet lately and a bit of an addiction. I think I might be going through a can every two days! I’ve been putting it on everything. YUM!

A few plans and intentions for this week…

  • Spend a good deal of time with friends who we will miss while we are in the states
  • Go to Melnik (an antique bazaar outside of Prague) with some friends
  • Pack, pack, pack
  • Go to prenatal yoga again
  • Gain 1 pound…

A prayer for the week…

Father of all, be in the midst of my chaos, be present in the midst of my anxieties, be close in the midst of my uncertainties.

Mother of all, be in the midst of my health, be present with me and this growing child in my womb, be close in the midst of this pregnancy.

Spirit who loves, be in the midst of my goodbyes, be present with the friends I leave behind, be close in the midst of each of our ever changing lives.

Jesus who intercedes, be in the midst of my half whispered prayers, be present in the midst of my heart aches, be close in the midst of my decisions. In your name I pray. Amen.

Rejoicing in the journey - Bethany Stedman